T.J. 6 Month Stats

Weight: 19 lbs. 7 oz.
Head: 17.5"
Length 26.5"

What a big boy!

Busy Busy

Things have been so hectic and busy this summer and the rest of the summer will be pretty much be the same.  In the next 8 weeks, we have a friend's wedding here in Cincinnati, my sister-in-law's bridal shower and bachelorette party in Pittsburgh, a friend's bachelorette party in Chicago, a soccer tournament here in Cincinnati, a week long vacation in the Outer Banks with some friends, and then wedding festivities for my sister-in-law in Pittsburgh to round out those 8 weeks.  Throw in a lot of traveling for Chris for work and soccer practices starting up for me and there goes the rest of our summer.

One thing that has kept me motivated during this busy summer is working out freely again.  This is the first summer in 3 years in which I haven't been pregnant.  Since I stopped breastfeeding, I have lost the rest of the baby weight and I'm now even under my pre-IVF weight from almost 3 years ago.  I'm a few pounds shy of my wedding weight, but will try to stay slightly above it in preparation for our next round of IVF (whenever that may be).  I get up at 4:30am every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and get my strength workouts in at a local bootcamp, which I absolutely love. I've met a lot of great ladies there and it's nice to be around others who work so hard to maintain their fitness.  On the other days, I either get up before work and run on the treadmill or stick T.J. in the BOB for a run at the park.

Speaking of T.J., he turns 6 months in 3 days!  Where has the time gone? I'll admit my emotions were all over the place, especially with his reflux, the first 8-10 weeks of his life, but I am enjoying EVERY second of time with him.  He is the nosiest, most stubborn, and most muscular little boy that I have met.  It's a battle to give him a bottle right now because he is always turning every which direction, trying to sit up while taking his bottle, and manhandling me.  My cousin, who watches him twice a week (and a bunch of other times as well - thanks, Katie!), had bruises from T.J.'s toes on her thighs one day from him jumping against her.  He's taken an interest in annoying Sidney lately and is always looking to grab whatever is in his reach.  I'll be interested to see how much he weighs at his 6 month appointment next week, but I weighed him about 5 weeks ago and he was over 18.5 lbs.  He wears some 9 month clothes and some 12 month stuff as well.  He is absolutely perfect to both Chris and I.  Did I mention he sleeps from 8-9 at night to 7 in the morning? I'm definitely thankful for that.

A Little Eerie to be Honest (21 months for Nathan)

Although we now have TJ here with us, I still feel the same as I did after losing Nathan:

- Hearing about people getting pregnant easily irritates me
- Hearing about successful births irritate me (how ugly is this feeling?  I hate it.)
- Hearing about minute pregnancy issues irritates me

I hate feeling this way, just like I did prior to having TJ.  Although these feelings have become easier to manage, they're still there, just not as prominent as before.

Lately, I've had the strong urge to have another baby right NOW. It's crazy, but with my problem that leads us to having to use IVF to get pregnant, time is not on our side. It's been weighing on my mind a lot lately, and I saw this blog post this morning that describes it PERFECTLY.  I felt like I was reading my diary as I read the post.  It sucks that she's in the same predicament as me, but it's comforting to know what I'm feeling is normal.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/07/just-want-secondary-infertility-stillbirth/

Happy 21 (say what?!) months to our baby boy in Heaven! We miss you and love you with everything we have. Continue to fly high.

I'm Back

It's been a while since I've written here and it was a good break, but I'm at a point right now where I'm happy to be back. TJ is 5 months today and I stopped breastfeeding this past week so that we can start preparing for our next IVF round (whenever we decide that will be).  Stopping breastfeeding has brought back so many bad memories of having to dry up like I had to after delivering Nathan. I'd say that I've been pretty depressed this week. Everything reminds me of Nathan and makes me miss him. How can it possibly be that the last time we've seen our older son is over 20 months ago? I think the thought of having to go through another IVF round is depressing as well. I'm so over the infertility crap. I am very grateful for our two blessings so far, though. Ugh, the roller coaster.

Meanwhile, TJ is doing great! He's at such a fun age and I love all the time that I get to spend with him. I can't believe he's already 5 months old today. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze time with him at this age.

And a picture of Nathan because I could never, ever forget him...

1.5 years

*Post is from April 10, but did not post for some reason.

Baby Nate, or should I now say toddle Nate,

1.5 years without you...

18 months without you...

78.27 weeks without you...

547.9 days without you...

... And each one has been hard without you.  I have to remind myself daily about what joy lies ahead for our family and that one day, this journey without you will make perfect sense. Until then, we look forward to watching your little brother grow into a wonderful human being and telling him all about his big brother.

We love you, baby boy.

I Still Miss You

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head, and I cried.

I love you, Nathan Christopher, and so does your dad and little brother. We tell him all about you and always will.

Finally!

I finally have time to come back here and reflect on this past month, which has been crazy. In my last post, I talked about how the doctors wouldn't deliver at 37 weeks unless they did an amnio. After discussing it over the weekend, Chris and I determined we were that desperate to get this baby out as soon as possible, so we agreed to the amnio on 1/12. If all went well, we were to deliver later that afternoon. All did not go well. The results came back as "transitional".  This meant that they couldn't guarantee that the baby's lungs were mature so we had to wait for a second test to be done, which would take 2 days for results.  My doctor agreed to have me stay in the hospital, with constant monitoring, until we were able to deliver the baby. The results of the second test came back on 1/14 and showed that his lungs were not advanced mature. The lab had run the wrong test and tested for a chemical that's present in amniotic fluid well after the lungs are mature, almost up to 2-3 weeks later it can show up. Since they ran the wrong test, they did not have enough amniotic fluid left to run the correct test. Our doctor felt terrible and wished we were not forced to do the amnio. She met with the head doctor at our hospital and he agreed to allow me to deliver on 1/19, which was 37w6d pregnant.  

And now for the best news ever. We welcomed Thomas John (T.J.) into the world on Monday, January 19 at 9:11am. He weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces and was 21.5 inches long.  He started screaming as soon as his head was out and it was the most amazing sound Chris and I had ever heard.  I had been holding my breath the entire csection and cried for about 5 minutes after he was born. When they pulled the rest of him out, he had he umbilical cord in his hand. Nathan must have warned T.J. about it and he made sure to make it known that it wouldn't be an issue again.

The past 17 days have been the most exhausting and rewarding of my life. The only thing that could make my life better right now is if Nathan was here. My emotions since bringing T.J. home have been all over the place, probably more so than a normal postpartum woman. Caring for a baby after losing another makes you realize how much you've missed out on experiences with your first baby. What I wouldn't give to have had sleepless nights with Nathan and watched him grow through his first year.  We visited Nathan's grave this past weekend and it was really hard for me fully knowing and understanding the extent of our loss, while his healthy little brother was sleeping in the car.

Thank you, Nathan, for watching over T.J. and we miss you more than ever.