International Bereaved Mother's Day

Do you know why or how Mother's Day was first created?  It was first created by Anna Jarvis to honor her mother who experienced the death of 7 (yes, 7) of her children. Anna wanted a day that honored her mother for still getting up each day without those children and living each day. Now, Mother's Day is a commercialized day that honors mothers of living children.  I guess Hallmark had an easier time making cards focused on a mother whose children are still living, not mothers who must live the rest of their lives without their children. Naturally, I'm not looking forward to Mother's Day this year, or any year, without Nathan here.  There's just not much to celebrate. Facebook is the worst for these types of holidays, actually, any holidays. On Christmas, people make sure to show pictures of how many presents are underneath their trees for their kids, making it some sort of competition almost. The same is true for Easter and St. Nick's Day.  Pointless posts, in my opinion. On Mother's Day, mothers will post pictures of things their kids or husbands got them and say "I have the best husband and kids in the world", blah, blah, blah.  Posts like these make you sound like you're bragging as you post pictures of your diamonds, cards from your kids, etc. It's great, but most other people don't care. :)

To get back to the real meaning of Mother's Day, the Sunday before Mother's Day is dedicated and called International Bereaved Mother's Day.  Again, I don't think it's necessary for either of these days but it is what it is. There are no cards celebrating these days.  Stores don't have big sales dedicated to all of the Bereaved Mother's Day gift possibilities.  Instead, one group is trying to change Mother's Day back to what it should really mean. Expressing your love in a hand written letter and nothing more.  Keeping it simple, thanking them for what they do, and spending time with them.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html

The link below explains how mothers of children in Heaven feel about the day.

http://allthatlovecando.blogspot.com/2014/04/honoring-babyloss-mother-in-your-life.html

A Miracle is Coming

Breathing a Sigh of Relief

With Chris's new job also came new insurance.  So, when we got our new insurance cards 3+ weeks ago, I gave that to our financial lady at our doctor's office since all finances have to be settled prior to an IVF cycle.  If you pay out of pocket, you have to pay everything up front so they make certain that your insurance is valid at that time as well so that we aren't charged the out of pocket price by the doctor's office.  A little over 2 weeks ago, I got a call from our financial lady saying that Aetna has an approval process where they need bloodwork and medical history so that they can make the call on whether or not you're "infertile." I didn't realize that there was a possibility that the doctor was wrong in my diagnosis and that an insurance company would be the ones who determine my fertility status.  

Part of the process was a phone interview where they ask about your fertility history and pregnancy history.  Great, just what I wanted to do. Let me explain to a stranger about how my son died over the phone. I made the phone call and we went over how many IVFs we've done, how many IUIs, etc.  Then, they get to the pregnancy history.  They ask you how many pregnancies you have and if they were abortions (haha - seriously? You think an infertile person going through IVF would have an abortion?), miscarriages,  or full term. I picked explaining my miscarriage first since that's the easiest. Then, I told them about Nathan. I caught her off guard and she had to speak with her manager about what to classify that as.  I sure hope they classified him as full term and not just some miscarriage.  I didn't ask because I just wanted to get off the phone at this point.  They told me to wait a couple minutes on the phone while they reviewed my information. After a couple of minutes of waiting, it was confirmed that I am infertile.  Hooray! It was a good feeling knowing that my doctor wasn't wrong.  Definitely some sarcasm included.

So, I passed the first test and the second test was a blood test that then had to be faxed to Aetna.  If your number is over Aetna's threshold, they won't provide coverage for own egg IVF, only donor eggs. I was extremely nervous about this part since the test they measure is actually the test that confirmed I had an issue conceiving. I got the test completed on the 17th and we were supposed to hear by the 23rd.  When we didn't hear by last Thursday, I called our financial lady and she confirmed that they hadn't heard anything yet.  The financial lady called yesterday and again, said they hadn't heard so it might be a good idea for me to check in (considering my IVF cycle officially started with my first ultrasound, which was last Friday). I called Aetna and they explained to me that they didn't have any of my records and proceeded to ask me about my previous history.  I refused to tell them again and they "found" the information, which I'm pretty sure was sitting in front of them the entire time. They told me to call my doctor's office and have them resend the information and they would put a rush on it. I called the financial lady, who called Aetna this morning, who had my medical records and confirmed that I passed both tests, am quite infertile, and qualify for coverage.

So, in summary, I am infertile but we do get coverage for all of our cycles.  Yay for the coverage! I'm glad this headache is over with and we can focus on bigger and better things like getting and staying pregnant.

Blessed

Most days, it's hard for me to admit that Chris and I are blessed.  How can you be blessed when you're battling infertility and grieving a child? It's days like yesterday that remind us that, even though this isn't exactly what we had planned, we're still very blessed. We both have great jobs, have a roof over our heads, and have great family and friends.  Yesterday, most of our friends and family in Cincinnati came out to the March for Babies for March of Dimes and walked in memory of Nate. It was a reminder to us that we wouldn't have survived all of this without them. Yes, a lot of days still are hard for us, but knowing that others care and still remember Nathan is important for us to be reminded of occasionally.  This is one of the loneliest journeys we've ever been on since there are not many who understand the pain and hurt when you lose your own child. Thanks to all who came out yesterday.  You'll never know how much it meant to us.

I had an appointment with Dr. S on Friday to see if the birth control pills are doing their job and keeping my ovaries quiet.  Dr. S was very happy with what he saw.  Both ovaries were quiet and there were several follicles on each ovary so he was optimistic for this upcoming cycle.  My last day of birth control is today (!!!) and I start with my shots on Friday.  We have a tentative retrieval date of May 12. That is 14 days from now, but who's counting?

National Infertility Awareness Week, Part 4

Our doctor was on Fox 19 this morning to talk about infertility, when to see a specialist, and what issues can affect fertility. This video just proves how awesome our doctors are and how they really care about infertility and building awareness for the disease. Cincinnati News, FOX19-WXIX TV

World's Best Mom

I found the blog entry below on one of the grief pages that I follow and I can't tell you how good it made me feel about the decisions we made for Nathan when he was born.  I'm glad he was able to be baptized and I'm glad our families, and even some friends, got to meet him.  I do have regrets about our time with Nathan, but this just proves that I need to focus on the positives of our 3 days with him and the choices we made for him.

http://mattwessel.wordpress.com/2014/04/19/worlds-best-mom/

National Infertility Awareness Week, Part 3

"So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed, but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your derriere twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.
DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.
And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity."