Sleepless

We had our second meeting with our support group last night and the topic was about the upcoming holidays.  Basically, they told us they are going to be extremely hard (tell me something I don't know). I do enjoy talking with Carol and Mary. They want to talk about Nathan and that makes me feel happy because that doesn't happen often. They looked at the Now I Lay Md Down to Sleep picture below and were just in shock and tears about how perfect he was.

It helps hearing this from people but it's also depressing. Nathan would be 6 weeks old this week, yet we're here with nothing. 

I also feel bad for Chris. I feel as the weeks go on, my emotions become more unpredictable. I'm having more "happy" times, which will never compare to how happy I used to be. There are times when we'll be driving somewhere and Chris will say something and I'll begin to sob. Unfortunately, this is my new normal.

I had one of these episodes on the way home from our support group last night. I think this may have caused my nightmare which then kept me up most of the night. This happens frequently too.

I just miss my old life. Don't get me wrong, if this is what I have to go through to have spent 3 days with Nathan, I would do it again in a heartbeat. He is my world, I just have to spend a lifetime waiting to spend eternity with him. God, I cannot wait to hear his little voice and see his eyes.

Obviously, this morning hasn't started out well. Hoping getting out of the house helps.

ncb