Sleepless

We had our second meeting with our support group last night and the topic was about the upcoming holidays.  Basically, they told us they are going to be extremely hard (tell me something I don't know). I do enjoy talking with Carol and Mary. They want to talk about Nathan and that makes me feel happy because that doesn't happen often. They looked at the Now I Lay Md Down to Sleep picture below and were just in shock and tears about how perfect he was.

It helps hearing this from people but it's also depressing. Nathan would be 6 weeks old this week, yet we're here with nothing. 

I also feel bad for Chris. I feel as the weeks go on, my emotions become more unpredictable. I'm having more "happy" times, which will never compare to how happy I used to be. There are times when we'll be driving somewhere and Chris will say something and I'll begin to sob. Unfortunately, this is my new normal.

I had one of these episodes on the way home from our support group last night. I think this may have caused my nightmare which then kept me up most of the night. This happens frequently too.

I just miss my old life. Don't get me wrong, if this is what I have to go through to have spent 3 days with Nathan, I would do it again in a heartbeat. He is my world, I just have to spend a lifetime waiting to spend eternity with him. God, I cannot wait to hear his little voice and see his eyes.

Obviously, this morning hasn't started out well. Hoping getting out of the house helps.

ncb

Lonely

How is it that Chris and I can feel so alone when we've been by ourselves since getting married 2.5 years ago?  Is it just because all of our plans have been altered and we're back to where we were when we first started our infertility treatment + we have a son we can't be with while on earth? 

Still waiting to feel normal...

A Trip Out West

Chris and I took some time and went out to Lake Tahoe for a couple of days to get away from everything. The trip was great. We climbed a mountain, drove through Yosemite, and enjoyed some time around the different lakes.

Everything reminded us of Nathan, from the clear blue sky to the sparkling water. It was good for us mentally.

Being back home is ok. Still just too many reminders and too many quiet moments.  Nathan's cousins made some decorations for his grave. He would have loved his crazy cousins. 

Still trying to figure out what we do now since I can't even remember what we did before we were pregnant.  

When it rains, it pours

Tammy Jo

Nov. 1, 2003 - Nov. 12, 2013

It's comforting to know that Nathan will now get to enjoy you as I did over the last 10 years.  I hope you're eating anything and everything and every day is doggy daycare.

Fall decorations

Note: this is not his permanent marker, apparently it takes a while to get that in.

4 Weeks

Our sweetest Nathan,

You would have been 4 weeks old today.  How time flies even though it feels like since 10/10, time has been standing still.  What I wouldn't give to go back 4 weeks + 2 days to be able to feel you kicking and squirming around in my belly.

They say that the pain gets better with time, but I'm finding just the opposite.  My heart literally hurts when I think of you, my arms are empty, and I can't stop questioning God.  All I know is that He must have big plans for you up there baby.

Your cousin, Allie, says she sees you up in the clouds and that you are "soooo cute".  She also says that you are happy.  I'm glad that your great-grandma was able to guide you up to your place of eternity (my grandma passed away within 4 hours of Nathan being delivered).  Is Grandpa Tom taking good care of you?  I'm sure he is.  You are his first grandson, you know.  I'm sure he has built you a train set just like the one he built for your daddy.  He'll teach you all about soccer and baseball.  There's a bunch of other great people that I'm sure will make sure you're OK up there.  Great-grandpa Don will adore you just like he did all 21 of his grandkids.

Your dad and I can't wait to see you one day again when we reach Heaven.  We're still trying to figure out life without you, but each day we get through, is one day closer to when we get to see you again.

Love you, buddy.

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings

And Godspeed, Sweet Dreams

- Nick Lachey's Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

Features

At one of our support groups, they mentioned to write everything down that we remember soon, because in time, those things will start to fade.  So I'm going to describe all of his features while they're still fresh in my mind.

Face - Nathan had the roundest face.  That definitely came from his momma.  His lips were a ruby red and chapped, but he still had the softest cheeks, nose, and chin.  I could have sat there forever just rubbing those cheeks of his.  Unfortunately, we never had the opportunity to see his eyes.  I spend a lot of time wondering what they would have looked like or what it would have been like to be able to look him in the eyes like a parent should be able to. 

Ears - Definitely got those from his dad.  So cute.

Hair - Nathan had loads of soft, almost black hair.  He got this from me, but his hairline matches Chris's.  For the first few days after, I would cry every time I looked at Chris because of the hairline.  We are lucky to have some of his hair to keep in his memory box.

Body - That boy was going to grow up to have my ribs that stick out.  That's for sure.  He had marks across his chest from the umbilical cord, which gave me nightmares for nights and is still hard to think about.  Poor lil' guy.

Hands - Nathan actually had pretty big hands and we're not sure where those came from.  It was weird, yet calming in the hospital because when you held him and touched his fingers, it felt like he would wrap his fingers around yours.  Maybe that was his way of telling us that he was alright.

Legs - Definitely Chris legs.  They were so skinny, which is funny since he weighed 8 lbs 2 oz when born.  I picture him growing up like Chris, with little knobby knees and skinny legs.  I'm sure he would have been a good soccer player like his dad too.

Feet - The cutest little feet.  Shaped exactly like his dad's.  What I wouldn't give to be able to hear him run around on our hardwood with those little feet.

Well, I thought it was a good idea to write all of this.  Now, I'm regretting it because it just brings everything back to the surface.  Again, no parents should ever have to bury their child.  No parents should have to walk by an empty nursery.  No parents should have to determine ways to decorate their baby's grave.  No dad should ever have to carry the casket of his son (this one kills me still).  No parents should have to live the rest of their lives knowing they can't watch one of their kids grow up.  I could keep going, but this is depressing shit.

Since it's finally November, I guess I can say what I'm thankful for.
1. Chris
2. Family
3. Friends
4. 38 weeks with Nathan
5. My work family
6. That it's no longer October
7. The opportunity to do more rounds of IVF
8. Nathan
9. The things Nathan has taught me.
10. God (unsure of his plan, but I know there is one) (also, Nathan is now with God and avoided all the shit that happens here so he is the lucky one)

We love you, Nate.  Can't believe it's been a month but trust us, there's not a moment when you don't fill our thoughts.