I'm Back

It's been a while since I've written here and it was a good break, but I'm at a point right now where I'm happy to be back. TJ is 5 months today and I stopped breastfeeding this past week so that we can start preparing for our next IVF round (whenever we decide that will be).  Stopping breastfeeding has brought back so many bad memories of having to dry up like I had to after delivering Nathan. I'd say that I've been pretty depressed this week. Everything reminds me of Nathan and makes me miss him. How can it possibly be that the last time we've seen our older son is over 20 months ago? I think the thought of having to go through another IVF round is depressing as well. I'm so over the infertility crap. I am very grateful for our two blessings so far, though. Ugh, the roller coaster.

Meanwhile, TJ is doing great! He's at such a fun age and I love all the time that I get to spend with him. I can't believe he's already 5 months old today. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze time with him at this age.

And a picture of Nathan because I could never, ever forget him...

1.5 years

*Post is from April 10, but did not post for some reason.

Baby Nate, or should I now say toddle Nate,

1.5 years without you...

18 months without you...

78.27 weeks without you...

547.9 days without you...

... And each one has been hard without you.  I have to remind myself daily about what joy lies ahead for our family and that one day, this journey without you will make perfect sense. Until then, we look forward to watching your little brother grow into a wonderful human being and telling him all about his big brother.

We love you, baby boy.

I Still Miss You

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head, and I cried.

I love you, Nathan Christopher, and so does your dad and little brother. We tell him all about you and always will.

Finally!

I finally have time to come back here and reflect on this past month, which has been crazy. In my last post, I talked about how the doctors wouldn't deliver at 37 weeks unless they did an amnio. After discussing it over the weekend, Chris and I determined we were that desperate to get this baby out as soon as possible, so we agreed to the amnio on 1/12. If all went well, we were to deliver later that afternoon. All did not go well. The results came back as "transitional".  This meant that they couldn't guarantee that the baby's lungs were mature so we had to wait for a second test to be done, which would take 2 days for results.  My doctor agreed to have me stay in the hospital, with constant monitoring, until we were able to deliver the baby. The results of the second test came back on 1/14 and showed that his lungs were not advanced mature. The lab had run the wrong test and tested for a chemical that's present in amniotic fluid well after the lungs are mature, almost up to 2-3 weeks later it can show up. Since they ran the wrong test, they did not have enough amniotic fluid left to run the correct test. Our doctor felt terrible and wished we were not forced to do the amnio. She met with the head doctor at our hospital and he agreed to allow me to deliver on 1/19, which was 37w6d pregnant.  

And now for the best news ever. We welcomed Thomas John (T.J.) into the world on Monday, January 19 at 9:11am. He weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces and was 21.5 inches long.  He started screaming as soon as his head was out and it was the most amazing sound Chris and I had ever heard.  I had been holding my breath the entire csection and cried for about 5 minutes after he was born. When they pulled the rest of him out, he had he umbilical cord in his hand. Nathan must have warned T.J. about it and he made sure to make it known that it wouldn't be an issue again.

The past 17 days have been the most exhausting and rewarding of my life. The only thing that could make my life better right now is if Nathan was here. My emotions since bringing T.J. home have been all over the place, probably more so than a normal postpartum woman. Caring for a baby after losing another makes you realize how much you've missed out on experiences with your first baby. What I wouldn't give to have had sleepless nights with Nathan and watched him grow through his first year.  We visited Nathan's grave this past weekend and it was really hard for me fully knowing and understanding the extent of our loss, while his healthy little brother was sleeping in the car.

Thank you, Nathan, for watching over T.J. and we miss you more than ever.

Monkey Wrench

So I received a call from my OB this afternoon and she informed me that after talking to their lead policy doctor in the practice (who I happened to see last Friday), they are requiring me to get an amnio done on Monday morning if I want to deliver at 37 weeks. What. The. Hell.  Let's stick a needle into my uterus to check for lung maturity when I know for a fact, thanks to IVF, that my dates are accurate.  Let's chance something happening like a rupture or accidentally hitting my placenta, umbilical cord, or baby.  This baby WILL move towards the needle.  This baby IS active and doesn't sit still for any type of monitoring.  Don't go near my baby with a needle.  I will sign papers, I'll do anything else to have this baby on Tuesday except for having an amnio.  As it is set up right now, I have an amnio on Monday morning at 8am and will have to stay for a couple hours after to be monitored for anything going wrong.  Lovely.  Can't he just arrive already?!

36 Weeks Pregnant

According to my ticker, I have 6 days 18 hours and 5 minutes until my scheduled csection (thanks for the ticker, JB14).  According to my brain, I have slightly more time than that before I self destruct from anxiety.  Last week I freaked out from too little movement, last night I freaked out from too much movement.  It's amazing.  Thank goodness I am super busy at work this week or else, I think, I would start crumbling to pieces.  I keep praying to God and Nathan that we get to meet this alive, breathing baby boy in 7 days but I can't stop thinking about the worst.  What a roller coaster.  Wake me up on Tuesday.

Final BPP and Growth Scan

I had my last BPP and growth scan this morning.  Baby boy is doing well still, thank goodness.  He's measuring at 6 lbs 15 oz and is in the 72nd percentile.  I'm happy he'll be a good size at 37 weeks. 8 days!