Tis the Season

So, I survived Thanksgiving.  I only had to sneak away 2 times to compose myself.  It was on Thanksgiving last year when we started the shots for our IVF, which in turn created our strong embryo (Nathan).  What a year it's been.  A year that started out with so much promise has quickly gone downhill since October 10.  When we returned home from my parents on Thursday, we were sadly welcomed by a very sick dog.  He had gotten sick in EVERY room in our house and this is no exaggeration.  Chris and I spent a good hour or so cleaning everything up and then Chris called our vet and then was on his way to the 24 hour animal hospital with Sidney at 1 am.  Chris got home after 4 am and Sidney was admitted to the hospital for dehydration, vomiting, and evidence of bloody diarrhea (yuck).  He had to stay there 2 nights and we picked him up this morning.  He's still not eating much and I'm sure he has lost at least 10 lbs.  Poor guy.  We are praying that he returns to good health soon.  I need to remind myself that I can't make the statement, "things can't get any worse", because every time I say that, it does get worse.

Since the animal hospital is right down the street from the mall, Chris and I made an attempt to shop last night on Black Friday.  I was good for about 30 minutes and that's when my anxiety started picking up.  There were so many strollers and so many families that looked happy.  I wish we could have that happiness.  Walking past the stores that had the baby outfits for Christmas in the window was also a downer.  I was looking forward to our first Christmas with Nathan.  I wanted to pick out his outfits and be able to take his picture with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.   What actually made me start crying at the mall was seeing a little boy (probably about 1 years old) getting his picture on Santa's lap.  I hadn't thought about that at all.  We'll never get to experience that with Nathan.  I am confident that he is sitting on Jesus's lap, but unfortunately, we are alone down here.  I am counting down the days until 2014 arrives.

I return to my job on Monday.  I have mixed emotions about this.  As the date gets closer and closer, I can't help but feel nervous.  I know I'll be happy to be back once I get there but it's the anticipation that's nerve-racking.  I hope that the days go quick and helps pass the time until we can start our IVF process again.  Just an update on that, I have started taking the recommended vitamins (about 5 a day), exercising frequently, and eating healthy to give myself the best opportunity when the egg retrieval and embryo transfer happens.  On January 1, I will go gluten and sugar free again as well as avoid alcohol.  I'm not sure what impact that had on our successful IVF, but since it worked then, I'm sticking with it.  We are looking at starting the birth control on my January cycle, then ramping up the shots in February, with an embryo transfer happening around March 1.  3 months from tomorrow.  THREE. SHORT. MONTHS. Right?

Nathan,
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

I Cried

Okay, so that's no surprise that I cried.  But this time, I really let loose.  I am coming to terms with how hard the holidays are actually going to be.  It's not so much that it would have been Nathan's "first" holidays, but the fact that I have to go watch everyone else interact with their children (regardless of their age).  That's what I'M supposed to be doing this year and every year after this.  I am so scared about getting through the day acting "happy" when really all I'll want to do is roll up in a ball on my couch and hold my 8 lbs 2 oz pillow.  It also isn't going to be easy seeing my cousin's wife there who will be 36 weeks pregnant.  I'm just not ready for that yet.  Nothing against her, the issue is all in my head.

Another thing is I wonder if people will actually talk about Nathan or just sort of forget about him that day?  Now that he's gone and his services are over, will my extended family ever include him in conversation again? I sure hope so but I'm not certain, especially with the next baby in the family due in the next 4 weeks.

On a positive note, I was released by my OB last week and am now able to do whatever physical activity I feel like.  I've been running an average of 3 miles a day (trying to take it easy) and then I took a spinning class this morning.  I feel great physically and honestly, right after a workout, is when I feel normal.  I'm eating healthy and trying to get workouts in every day so that I can be to my ideal weight before we start IVF again in February.  I know that's a long ways off but with the holidays and all the food that is included there, it's never to early to start.  Also, it's easy for those who have newborns to carry around a little extra weight because they have the excuse either in a stroller or in their arms.  Me, not so much.  Just looks like I ate too much halloween candy.

I applied to take the Professional Engineering exam in Kentucky in April.  I'm hoping there are no issues as this will give me something to focus on over the next couple of months.  I'm not kidding when I say I'll need to relearn EVERYTHING from undergrad since so much of the engineering work these days is computer based or formula based which doesn't compare to the 3 pages of equations to solve one problem that had to be done back in school.  I think this will be good.

One last thing for today.  I'm looking forward to this guilty feeling going away eventually.  Why can't I get pregnant like a normal person?  If Chris and I had it our way, we would have had at least 2 kids by now.  We currently have 1 who we can't even be with.  Why didn't I feel like Nathan was in distress?  Is there something I did that made him get so tangled?  Was it the bouncing on the exercise ball to get him into position? Why couldn't I protect him?  I know people say there was nothing I could do about it, but when it happens inside of you, you feel differently.  I think of these questions several times a day, which is one of the reasons I cry.

Nathan is safe in heaven and we'll meet again.  I heard this song on the radio recently and there has never been a more perfect song to describe my feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason that I'm broken, the reason that I cry
Is how long I must wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me the strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.

Necessary Tasks

We received the draft of Nathan's marker today.  It's just another reminder of what we're going through. Who would have thought that we would be picking out something like this at 27 and 28 years old?  It's sad to see, but also perfect in how we want him to be remembered.

Love you, buddy.

Who would you be?

What would you look like,

When you looked at me for the very first time?

Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Sleepless

We had our second meeting with our support group last night and the topic was about the upcoming holidays.  Basically, they told us they are going to be extremely hard (tell me something I don't know). I do enjoy talking with Carol and Mary. They want to talk about Nathan and that makes me feel happy because that doesn't happen often. They looked at the Now I Lay Md Down to Sleep picture below and were just in shock and tears about how perfect he was.

It helps hearing this from people but it's also depressing. Nathan would be 6 weeks old this week, yet we're here with nothing. 

I also feel bad for Chris. I feel as the weeks go on, my emotions become more unpredictable. I'm having more "happy" times, which will never compare to how happy I used to be. There are times when we'll be driving somewhere and Chris will say something and I'll begin to sob. Unfortunately, this is my new normal.

I had one of these episodes on the way home from our support group last night. I think this may have caused my nightmare which then kept me up most of the night. This happens frequently too.

I just miss my old life. Don't get me wrong, if this is what I have to go through to have spent 3 days with Nathan, I would do it again in a heartbeat. He is my world, I just have to spend a lifetime waiting to spend eternity with him. God, I cannot wait to hear his little voice and see his eyes.

Obviously, this morning hasn't started out well. Hoping getting out of the house helps.

ncb

Lonely

How is it that Chris and I can feel so alone when we've been by ourselves since getting married 2.5 years ago?  Is it just because all of our plans have been altered and we're back to where we were when we first started our infertility treatment + we have a son we can't be with while on earth? 

Still waiting to feel normal...

A Trip Out West

Chris and I took some time and went out to Lake Tahoe for a couple of days to get away from everything. The trip was great. We climbed a mountain, drove through Yosemite, and enjoyed some time around the different lakes.

Everything reminded us of Nathan, from the clear blue sky to the sparkling water. It was good for us mentally.

Being back home is ok. Still just too many reminders and too many quiet moments.  Nathan's cousins made some decorations for his grave. He would have loved his crazy cousins. 

Still trying to figure out what we do now since I can't even remember what we did before we were pregnant.  

When it rains, it pours

Tammy Jo

Nov. 1, 2003 - Nov. 12, 2013

It's comforting to know that Nathan will now get to enjoy you as I did over the last 10 years.  I hope you're eating anything and everything and every day is doggy daycare.