Gender Dilemma

I keep having an internal dilemma about whether or not we'll find out the gender of this baby. On one hand, it would give us something to do the last 17 weeks of the pregnancy as we prepare for the little boy or little girl.  On another hand, I'm terrified of how I'm going to react once I know the gender. I, of course, would love to have a little boy that reminded me of Nathan.  Along with that would come a constant reminder of what Nathan would have looked like or would be doing.  I would also love to have a little girl, but then I wouldn't have the reminders of what a little boy would look like in our family.  Since another child after this baby isn't guaranteed with our infertility, I'm really conflicted. I would almost rather wait until delivery to find out the gender because then I wouldn't have those thoughts in my head immediately because I would be so focused on having a breathing baby with us.  I follow this group on facebook called 'Pregnancy after Loss Support' and they actually have great articles and blogs from other women who have gone and experienced the same thing.  It makes me feel better that my feelings are 100% normal.  Here's a link to a story about a woman finding out the gender of her rainbow.

http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/wanting-a-girl-after-losing-a-boy/

Leaving

This blog post brought up one of the worst memories of my life.

http://dianawrote.com/2014/01/giving-kaden-back/

The feelings I felt when I had to leave the hospital without Nathan are indescribable.  I remember kissing his hands, feet, and face and feeling so hopeless.  I would have given my life to be able to stay with him forever.  This is one of the moments I would like to forget, but also not like to forget.

I miss you more than you know, Nathan.  I promise to never leave you when we see you next.  NEVER.  I'm sorry.

3 Months

Our precious Nathan,


You have officially been an angel for 3 months today.  Seriously?  How has it already been 3 months?  How have your dad and I made it this long without you?  I still find myself sitting alone sometimes wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare.  It has to be a nightmare.  How can somebody have a perfect pregnancy with a perfect baby then lose them after 38 weeks?  It baffles me.  Instead of cuddling with you this evening, we'll get home from work, make dinner, watch tv to pass the time, walk past your empty room, and go to bed.  Sigh.


How was Christmas in Heaven?  I bet there are no words to describe it.  You were definitely still included in Christmas down here by your family.  It just wasn't the same without you here.  Your cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all talked about you and you were not forgotten.  This made your dad and I very happy.  One day we'll celebrate Christmas together and I'm sure it will be amazing.


With the start of the new year, it brought the start of our journey to give you a little brother or sister.  If you are hanging out with them in Heaven, can you tell them we're ready to meet them?  I can't wait for the day when we have your little brother or sister in our arms and we can see all of your features in them.  Seeing their eyes will give us a glimpse into what your eyes were sure to have looked like.  I also think that having your little brother or sister will make this journey called life a little easier for us without you.  No, they will not replace you.  If anything, it will make us feel closer to you.  As the days pass, so do the amount of days since we've been able to hold you.  I could have stayed in that hospital forever with you. 


Continue to send your dad and I signs that you're alright.  I can't remember seeing so many ladybugs before you left us.  I read shortly after that ladybugs were a sign.  The night that we received your angel for the top of our Christmas tree, a ladybug crawled across the tv in the family room.  I'm sure that was you.  What made me so sure about it was when that ladybug continued to crawl across the ceiling and stopped right above your angel on the tree.  It stayed there the rest of the night.  Thank you for that.  I also saw a ladybug on Wednesday night after my support group.  You always know when I need a sign.


I had a dream with Great Grandpa Don in it.  He was sitting in his recliner that he used to always sit in.  He told me that you were there with him and that you were safe.  Never have I woken up crying, but that time I did.  I hope you continue to be safe in the arms of your Grandpa Tom and Great Grandpa Don. 


We love you to the moon and back, buddy.

Oh, January

I haven't posted much lately and that's because not much has been going on.  I'm still stuck on this roller coaster called grief, with some days being great while others are far from great.  I guess that's what I can expect from here on out, though.  There are some nights still where I don't sleep a wink, such as last night.  I just can't turn my mind off.  I'm constantly thinking about Nathan, if there was any way I could have prevented it from happening.  Upcoming costs with all of our IVF treatments keeps me awake too.  Consider yourself lucky if you don't have to spend $10,000 a try every time you want to have a baby.  Oh yeah, and there's no guarantee that you'll have one.  Because of this, I question God a lot.  Why are we dealing with this?  Did we do something to deserve all of this - infertility and our son dying?  Really?  None of it makes sense.  Why did God take Nathan and not me?  I know there's a plan, but as of right now, I'm not a fan.  Will God view us differently in Heaven because of the extreme pain we have to endure here on earth?  I'm not sure.

Also, I had a fear that Nathan would be forgotten after the holidays.  People don't mention him much and I'm not sure in what context people should mention him but it's starting to feel like he's fading from some peoples' thoughts.  Such is life I guess.  Everybody moves on but Chris and I are left with our grief.  Nobody else has an empty nursery that they have to walk by every night and baby gear hidden in extra closets and the basement.  Nobody else looks at pregnant people on the streets and think how naïve they are and that something can happen to their baby at ANY time during the 40 weeks. Nobody else has to figure out how to decorate a baby boy's grave, instead they're out buying clothes or planning for their future.

I just reread the two paragraphs above and had to laugh.  Wow, I sound miserable.  I'm not miserable, though, just different from who I was before Nathan died.  I definitely don't have the same tolerance for people that I had before.  I'm also a lot more anxious about little things.  I now know that EVERYTHING can go wrong and it's quite possible that it will.  I am grateful for what I have, but I'm ready for the last 2 shitty years to be a thing of the past.  Not Nathan, because if I had to go through what I did to see and hold Nathan again, I would in a heartbeat. 

Nothing new on the IVF front besides filling out the stack full of paperwork that's required, taking antibiotics that are required for Chris and I, figuring out the prices for all of my medication this time, and anxiously and nervously awaiting the start of my shots on January 25.  I'm nervous that this cycle won't work and I just don't know how much more heartache a girl can take. 

I'm officially down to my prepregnancy weight so things are great on that front.  12 weeks out, not too shabby.

Good thing it's JUANuary and The Bachelor just started.  Nothing like a ridiculous reality show to pass the weeks.

Also, it's negative 2 degrees here in Cincinnati today.  I don't do negative 2 degrees and neither does our dog, Sid.  Keep warm.

A New Year

It's official.  Today is the start of a new year for us.  I also started my birth control pills today so we're officially in our IVF cycle now.  As of today, I'm confident about this cycle.  For anybody who has gone through IVF, you know that your feelings change daily.  I may be confident today, scared the next day, and stressed the next.  You know why this cycle will work for us this time?  It's because we've been through hell and back in the past three months and it's our turn for some good luck.  It's also going to work because we have the best guardian angel.  We always ask Nathan if he can have a talk with the big man about blessing us with another child.  We're at the point where we NEED to give the love that we were going to give to Nathan here on earth to another child.  We were 100% prepared to raise a child here on earth, but unfortunately, it didn't happen as planned.  We have a beautiful nursery that is waiting for our next child.  We have sisters, brothers, and parents who are ready to share their love with the next Banner child.  It WILL happen.  It HAS to happen.

Since today is the official start of our IVF cycle, I am once again gluten free and sugar free.  Who knows if it had an impact last time, but it did work last time so there's no way I'm changing what I did.  I'm also alcohol free again (this one's the toughest since it helps with my anxiety and helps me relax).

We went and visited Nathan's grave today.  I still can't believe that our poor baby boy has a grave.  Our poor, sweet boy.

Here are some pictures from 2013, good and bad.

We Survived

Well we did it.  We survived Christmas.  It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears, but we're still here to talk about it so I consider that a win. 

We spent Christmas with Chris's family and it was very nice.  It's always good to see his family since we live 5 hours away.  Nathan was included in Christmas and even had his stocking full which made my heart want to burst.  Both of our families included Nathan which means so much to us.  We also received some Christmas cards from some of our friends that included Nathan which meant a lot to us as well.  He is our son after all.  Sometimes I do think that people forget that Chris is a father and I am a mother.  Hell, we have the hardest jobs as parents at this point.  Those sleepless nights and unruly kids are nothing compared to what we have to live with as parents each day. 

Next worry or day I'm not looking forward to is January 1, 2014.  One of my friends that I met through one of my support websites put it best.  She said that it feels like a year was stolen from them.  That it will feel like 2013 didn't even happen.  She and I both got pregnant at the beginning of 2013, had our babies grow inside of us, and then we both delivered our children without a heartbeat when they were full term.  This is so true.  Our whole 2013 revolved around Nathan and now it will be gone.  This is really hard for me to stomach.  I know that Nathan will always be with us, but 2013 was his year.  I had an interesting night thinking about this last night and let's just say that sleep did not come easy.

So, January 1 is also officially our start date for our IVF cycle.  I will be on birth control for ovary suppression from January 1- January 21.  On January 25, I start my shots.  I will be doing 20 units of Lupron in the morning and at night and also 4 vials of Bravelle at night.  This will continue until the 28th. I go in on January 29 for my ultrasound and bloodwork and then they will determine if we can continue with the cycle or not. This is the same exact protocol I was on in November of 2012 that created our great embryos so hopefully the same happens this time.  If you're the praying type, please, please pray for us.  We would really benefit from some good news this month.

In My Arms Again

On the ocean of our dreams
Like a prayer you came to me
And the longing that had been
Found its ending in your eyes
And I am missing you tonight

I really want to see you
I really want to touch you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
I really want to reach you
Forever to be with you
If only I could hold you in my arms again

Truth

My dad had lunch with a friend last week.  This friend is VERY involved in his church.  For him to put this much time into thinking of Nathan and our questions of "why?" is very touching.  Reading such things gives me a great comfort knowing that Nathan is indeed in paradise waiting for us.

It was good to see and talk to you on Tuesday.  During our conversation as you were sharing with me about the death of Julie’s son you questioned, why does this type of thing happen?  This question has weighed heavily upon me since our talk and I have felt compelled to share with you some of my thoughts on the question.  As you read my thoughts, my hope is that you can listen to your heart and the feelings these thoughts bring to your heart.  This is how God communicates with us.  In the bible after the crucifixion of Christ as two of his disciples walked down the road to Emmaus Christ appeared to them.  At first they did not recognize him, but as they walked it says he expounded unto them the scriptures.  Then after they recognized him and he vanished from their sight they said in recollection of what happened.  “Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while He opened to us the scriptures?”  (Luke 24:32)  After having this experience with the resurrected Savior they realized that the Holy Ghost thru the feelings in their hearts had witnessed unto them the truths that Christ had taught them as they walked down the road.  This is how we can discern truth from error.  This is how I pray you will approach the thoughts I have.  With an open mind and an open heart.  I will not go into the scriptural references to all that I share.  If you desire we can do that at another time.  But I will simply share divine truths that I know to be true.

 

The first thing we need to understand is we lived with our Father in Heaven as his spirit children before we came to this earth.  In this premortal existence we could see that our Father in Heaven had a body of flesh and bones much like those we have now but it was glorified and perfected, perfect in every way.  As his spirit children we desired to be like him and he desired for us to be more like him and to have all the blessings he had.  Just like any good father would.  So he developed a plan for us to gain a physical body and to gain the physical experiences that would be necessary for us to gain the wisdom and knowledge that he had.  That plan led to his creation of the world we now live in.  You might ask, what is so important about having a physical body.  We needed to learn things that we could not so easily learn without a physical body.  Physical/Emotional things like Love, Joy, Sadness, and one thing that I particularly think is important which is Self-Control. These are important experiences that make us who we are as an individual.  So one of the things we came to this earth to do is learn how to love appropriately, experience joy and happiness while also experiencing sadness and learning to have faith in God.  We needed to learn to trust him without his physical presence.  We need to trust that he has a plan for us.  A plan that will prepare us to someday become like he is. 

 

In this premortal existence I spoke of we believe in what is referred to in the Book of Revelations as the war in heaven.  In reality we have learned through modern revelation that this war was really a disagreement on how to accomplish God’s plan for us to come to earth.  Satan and his followers wanted to have everyone come to earth and gain a physical body but they would not be subject to making choices and decisions.  There would be no testing of their character or their faith.  The other plan that was championed by Christ was to have everyone come to earth gain a physical body and then be allowed to make decisions and choices, and prove their faith and love for their Heavenly Father without him being there to hover over them.

 

There is one more important truth that we need to understand.  In the New Testament it records that Christ said to his apostles, whatsoever you should bind on earth should be bound in heaven.  I believe this is true especially in the marriage covenant.  This is something that has been lost to the ages.  In marriages throughout the world vows are made until death do us part.  In the Temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints marriage vows are made for time and eternity.  With a temple marriage the covenant does not end at death but goes on for Eternity.  We believe that with such a marriage children are sealed to you and your spouse for the eternities.  At the resurrection we will be joined together as families.  If heaven is supposed to be a place of joy and happiness I for one cannot imagine how I could be eternally happy without my family. 

 

Now what does all of this have to do with the death of Julie’s son. 

 

First, He had to gain a physical body so he had to come to the earth to have this happen.

Second, we believe that he was so righteous in the premortal existence that he did not need to go thru the trials and tribulations of life.  This means that he is one VERY SPECIAL son of our Father in Heaven. This also means that Julie and her husband have something to look forward to.  That is an Eternal relationship with this very special son of God.  I also believe that Julie and her husband knew in the premortal existence that this was going to happen.  But they chose along with the death of their son at birth because they had more of an eternal perspective than they do now. 

Third, this is a difficult thing.  I cannot imagine the agony.  But I know that in the midst of that agony is hope.  A hope for the eternities.   Sometimes we tend to look at life from a finite point of view rather than an eternal or infinite point of view.  We need to remember that God’s plan is an eternal plan not a finite plan.  We need to remember as it says in the bible “his ways are not our ways”.  In Psalms it says “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 

John, I want you to know that I know the things I have shared with you are true.  I know this not because someone taught them to me but because I have prayed and fasted to know if they were true and had the Holy Ghost bear witness to me in my heart and in my mind that they are true.  I only hope is that you and your family can find peace during this time of trial.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love you, sweet boy.

Worn

What a terrible, no good day.  I just want our son back.  




Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn

2 Months

Our sweetest Nathan,

You would be 2 months old day.  I can't believe it's already 2 months.  I can't believe I've survived 2 months without you.  It feels like it was just yesterday when our world came crashing down but at the same time, it feels like it happened an eternity ago.  If you were here, I'd still be at home with you but instead, I'm back at work trying to figure out how to live without half of my heart.

Christmas is coming up and it hurts so deeply that your dad and I can't celebrate it with you, our son.  Some days when I see all of the Christmas decorations or families laughing, I feel like I'm suffocating.  Don't worry, we didn't forget you.  We hung your stocking and all of your ornaments are on the tree.  We replaced our stocking holders with ones that are different parts of a train, something that will remind us of you every Christmas.  What's the Christmas season like up in Heaven?  I'm sure it's perfect, just like it always is.  I'm sorry we can't give you any gifts or good morning kisses on Christmas day, but I bet your Grandpa Tom will make sure you get some.  I'll give you a million kisses when I see you, though.

I think you're starting to make your presence known around here.  I swear I felt something brush against my leg in our office the other day.  Was that you?  Were you the reason there was a white feather on the couch?  I like to believe that it's all because of you.

This month, instead of going to Christmas parties with you, your dad and I are left with the deepest sadness.  We remain grateful for our 38 weeks with you and we remain hopeful that we will get to be with you again someday.  It will be you who greets us at the gates of Heaven and it will be you who we run to first.  Nate, we couldn't be more proud to be your parents and if we had to do it all again just to hold you in our arms for 3 days, we would.  We love you, buddy.

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

Homesick

I'm feeling especially homesick today.  I don't know if it's the ugly weather or the fact that it's a Monday, but I just can't shake this anxious feeling.

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

My mother in law keeps asking what I want for Christmas.  The answer is nothing.  I don't want anything.  I just want what the picture above states.  I want my Nathan back.  In memory of Nate, we are going to pick a name from the Giving Tree at our church each year that has a boy who is a similar age as what Nathan would be at that time.  We chose a boy this year who need clothes ranging from 0-6 months.  I went out and bought them last weekend.  That was painful, but it didn't compare to the feeling I had when wrapping them yesterday.  I shouldn't have to wrap them.  I should be able to wash them and dress my son in them.  It comforts me knowing that a little boy will be getting this clothes this Christmas, though.  I think Nathan would want that.

Love you, buddy.

My 28th Birthday

Yesterday, I turned 28.  The whole day was overwhelming.  I know people meant well by wishing me a happy birthday but there was just no chance that yesterday was going to be a happy day for me.  How was I supposed to celebrate my birthday when just 8 weeks ago I delivered our Nathan with no heartbeat?  He doesn't ever get a chance to have a birthday.  It just makes me feel horrible.  If he can't celebrate, there's no way I'm going to celebrate. I cried on multiple occasions yesterday.  The first was when I talked to my brother.  We haven't talked since Nathan's funeral, but talking to him yesterday made me realize how much I miss him.  The second time I cried was when I received a private message from someone who I played soccer with for one year in college.  She was a freshman when I was a senior.  First, she sent me a token last week that said something like "Thank you for all of your love.  You were my angel and now I'm yours."  Her message yesterday included that she knew I didn't want all the happy birthday wishes because they would cause the opposite effect to happen (true) and that she was just continuing to pray for Chris, Nathan, and myself.  It was spot on and really thoughtful.  The third time was when I received a post on facebook that said "hope you have an awesome day!".  No chance in hell that yesterday was going to be an "awesome" day for me.  She meant well, though, and it's not her fault that my life is what it is.

The last time I cried was when I saw that Nathan's blurb was included on Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep's facebook page since I had donated money to them on Giving Tuesday (follows Black Friday and Cyber Monday).  Over 500 people liked the blurb and so many commented on how they were touched by it or how it reminded them of their own loss so many years ago.  I guess this means I'm officially a member of the club, the club I would rather not be included.

Chris got me a card and it was signed from him, Nathan, and Sidney (our boxer) so I loved that.  We also went to Target to pick out a gift since Chris gave me my big gift the day before Nathan's funeral (birthstone necklace and ring).  We picked out a baby's first Christmas 2013 ornament.  I love it and can't wait to hang it with all of his other ornaments. 

In conclusion, I survived my birthday, realized how unimportant they are to me now, and reminded me how we would not get to throw Nathan a first birthday party, a 16th birthday party, or any birthday party because he's not here.

Nathan,
I hope you celebrated for your mom up in heaven yesterday.  You were missed this birthday and will be missed on every birthday.  We would have liked nothing more than to hold you and rock you to sleep last night or see that goofy smile that you should have been getting around this time.  Our hearts still ache for you.  Know how much we love you.
Love you Nate.

Nathan was here

Last year on this date, I had two embryos transferred for our first fresh cycle for IVF.  The result of that cycle was a chemical pregnancy.  Last year on this date, Nathan was a day 3 embryo and still growing strong.  We got the phone call on December 6 that they were able to freeze 2 of our embryos.  Those 2 embryos were transferred in early February and the one resulted in Nathan. :)  What a crazy, unbelievable year it's been.  I was laid off last January, but found my dream job and found out I was pregnant in February.  The next 38 weeks were the best weeks of my life.  Now, here we are a year later, in the exact same spot as we were last year.  Without a baby. :(

I still can't comprehend what happened or why it happened to us, but I am SO SO thankful for our perfect Nathan.  Since I can't create new memories with Nathan, I'm going to recount the ones I do have of him.

1. The picture of him as an embryo the day he was transferred into my uterus in February.
2. The positive pregnancy test on Feb. 13 (something I had never seen before)
3. Seeing his heartbeat for the first time at 7 weeks 1 day pregnant
4. Seeing his heartbeat for the second time and seeing him squirm around at 9 weeks 1 day pregnant
5. Our first appointment with our OB/GYN at 13 weeks
6. Seeing our perfectly created baby at our 20 week ultrasound on June 11 and not finding out the sex
7. Hanging out with one of my BFF at her baby shower, first time we both had good size bellies
8. Camping in the Smokies at 24 weeks pregnant.
9. Celebrating the 4th of July with my nephews, brother, and sister in law at 24 weeks pregnant.
10. Boating and camping at 29 weeks pregnant
11. Feeling his feet kick me in the ribs CONSTANTLY
12. My baby shower in PA on August 24
13. My baby shower in OH on September 15
14. Laying by Chris on the couch, Chris would press my belly, and Nathan would put on a show for his dad.  (this may be my favorite memory)
15. Finishing his nursery and having everything in place
16. Finding out he was a boy when he was delivered
17. Climbing to 11,000 ft in Lake Tahoe 4 weeks after my c-section with his halloween onesie that I sleep with.
18. The number of people that have been touched by our baby boy.  We knew he was special, we just didn't know HOW special.

Those are my memories.  How few there are.  I wish there were more and I'm sure over the next 10 months more memories will start to populate as the dates pass when I was actually pregnant.

Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good
And Jesus, I was wondering if you would,
Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
Tell him all the things we'd teach him about You
Whisper in his ear
One more simple truth
Tell him that You love him 
And that we love him too... ♥

Tis the Season

So, I survived Thanksgiving.  I only had to sneak away 2 times to compose myself.  It was on Thanksgiving last year when we started the shots for our IVF, which in turn created our strong embryo (Nathan).  What a year it's been.  A year that started out with so much promise has quickly gone downhill since October 10.  When we returned home from my parents on Thursday, we were sadly welcomed by a very sick dog.  He had gotten sick in EVERY room in our house and this is no exaggeration.  Chris and I spent a good hour or so cleaning everything up and then Chris called our vet and then was on his way to the 24 hour animal hospital with Sidney at 1 am.  Chris got home after 4 am and Sidney was admitted to the hospital for dehydration, vomiting, and evidence of bloody diarrhea (yuck).  He had to stay there 2 nights and we picked him up this morning.  He's still not eating much and I'm sure he has lost at least 10 lbs.  Poor guy.  We are praying that he returns to good health soon.  I need to remind myself that I can't make the statement, "things can't get any worse", because every time I say that, it does get worse.

Since the animal hospital is right down the street from the mall, Chris and I made an attempt to shop last night on Black Friday.  I was good for about 30 minutes and that's when my anxiety started picking up.  There were so many strollers and so many families that looked happy.  I wish we could have that happiness.  Walking past the stores that had the baby outfits for Christmas in the window was also a downer.  I was looking forward to our first Christmas with Nathan.  I wanted to pick out his outfits and be able to take his picture with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.   What actually made me start crying at the mall was seeing a little boy (probably about 1 years old) getting his picture on Santa's lap.  I hadn't thought about that at all.  We'll never get to experience that with Nathan.  I am confident that he is sitting on Jesus's lap, but unfortunately, we are alone down here.  I am counting down the days until 2014 arrives.

I return to my job on Monday.  I have mixed emotions about this.  As the date gets closer and closer, I can't help but feel nervous.  I know I'll be happy to be back once I get there but it's the anticipation that's nerve-racking.  I hope that the days go quick and helps pass the time until we can start our IVF process again.  Just an update on that, I have started taking the recommended vitamins (about 5 a day), exercising frequently, and eating healthy to give myself the best opportunity when the egg retrieval and embryo transfer happens.  On January 1, I will go gluten and sugar free again as well as avoid alcohol.  I'm not sure what impact that had on our successful IVF, but since it worked then, I'm sticking with it.  We are looking at starting the birth control on my January cycle, then ramping up the shots in February, with an embryo transfer happening around March 1.  3 months from tomorrow.  THREE. SHORT. MONTHS. Right?

Nathan,
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.