Blog

You are my world, Nathan.

Announcing

For those of you that we know who read this blog, we'd appreciate if you kept our news to yourselves for the time being. It's still a really fragile time for us and the last thing we need is for random people, who we did not share the news with, congratulating us when there's still so much uncertainty. *** This post was not directed at anyone and was not intended to hurt people's feelings. Sorry if your feelings got hurt. This is not a mean post, either. Just asking for our news to be kept quiet, considering our past history. ***

7 Weeks Pregnant

I'm officially still pregnant! We had our first ultrasound this morning and the baby measured 7 weeks exactly and had a strong heartbeat.  What a relief, although temporary. If I wasn't so shocked that the baby had a heartbeat, I imagine I would have cried.  Our doctor said everything looked good, that I could stop my progesterone if I wanted, and that they'll see us one last time in 3 weeks (10 weeks) before we officially graduate from their office and onto our normal OB.  Thank God for this baby and second chances.

As far as how I'm feeling, my symptoms are still pretty mild.  As we speak, I could take a nap, but I had a rather large lunch so I'm pretty sure that's the reason for that. I slept a majority of the day Sunday, which was great. If I recall correctly, I only had one bad week with Nathan in the first trimester and that was week 9, so I might as well enjoy feeling this good right now.

7 weeks down, 30 to go.

Love you, Nate.

1st Scan Eve

With Nathan's pregnancy, I was so excited for my first scan.  This time around, I'm the exact opposite. Considering the last two ultrasounds I've had (while pregnant) were the one that confirmed my latest miscarriage and then the one before that which should Nathan without a beating heart, I'm scared shitless of this one.  Again, I'm not having any constant symptoms, and even though I was like this with Nathan, it worries me now. I hope I can relax more after tomorrow's scan.  It'll be one step closer to meeting a baby that is alive.

I feel like, sometimes, this pregnancy overshadows the fact that Nathan died a mere 8 months ago. I didn't like talking about newborns then and I don't like talking about newborns now. I wasn't comfortable around newborns then and I'm not comfortable around newborns now. Hell, I'm not going to be completely comfortable around my own newborn. The reason I am uncomfortable around newborns is because that's the only way Chris and I knew Nathan. He was a newborn and he'll always be a newborn to us. I know that people don't really understand our reasoning, since they've never experienced the loss of their newborn, but unfortunately, it's the truth and it's how things are these days. Even though the topic has been brought up a lot at our support group, I never really experienced it until I became pregnant again, and I mean from everyone, especially those not as familiar with the situation. If people want to get upset over how I'm acting because I might hurt someone else's feeling, I don't care.  This grieving process is about Chris and I and nobody else. Until your baby dies, you won't understand and I don't blame you.

Also, this blog has had over 11,000 views in less than 8 months.  If you're dealing with a loss of a child or infertility, I hope reading someone else's journey has helped in your grieving or healing process.

Truth

6 Weeks Pregnant

I hit 6 weeks yesterday, which is another tiny, tiny milestone for us. Actually, at this point, every day is a milestone.

I'm feeling pretty good with the occasional nausea and the occasional fatigue.  I wish there was a constant symptom that would continue to reassure me but I doubt that will happen since I don't remember it happening in my pregnancy with Nathan. Our scan is 6 days away and it still feels like its light years away.

I will say that pregnancy after loss is definitely no cake walk. My anxiety keeps me on my toes each day and I continue to expect the worse.  Why wouldn't I be anxious? I had a perfect pregnancy with perfect scans and appointments and lost my perfectly healthy son a mere 13 days before my due date. There's no safe point in any pregnancy. I wish more people realized this.

8 Months

Sweet baby Nathan,

Happy 8 months to you in Heaven. It's comforting to think that you are in the most wonderful place imaginable and know no pain or fears. While it's comforting to know that, it's also still depressing. You should be down here with us and celebrating all of the milestones that should have occurred during your first year on earth. We look forward to the day when we can celebrate them with you in Heaven.

It's Father's Day this weekend, so it's another weekend we're not looking forward to much. I think it'll be an extra tough one on your dad this year since he has to spend Father's Day each year without his dad and now he also has to spend it without his son. Be sure to give your Grandpa Tom an extra hug this weekend for your dad. He always talks about how your grandpa is taking care of you up in Heaven just like he took care of your dad down here on earth.

It's hard for me to describe to you how much your dad loves you. There's not many dads who would take a bucket and some water up to the cemetery so that they could clean the surface of a grave.  He even took some clippers up so that he could cut back the grass around it so that it would never again grow over your stone. With every thing he does, he includes you.  He proudly talks about you to his new coworkers, not afraid of how they'll react when he tells them that his son died 8 months ago now.  When he goes camping, he includes you by taking a match holder with your name on it. He never leaves you behind. I wish I could have watched you grow up with your dad down here.

Know that we love you, sweet baby, and you are always on our minds and in our hearts.

Fly high, baby boy, fly high.

March for Babies - Pittsburgh

We were in Pittsburgh this weekend with Chris's family for the March of Dimes walk in memory of Nathan. I didn't walk since I'm on an exercise restriction so it was a whole lot of waiting around, which made me extra tired. We're thankful for all of those who came out and showed their support.

I'm still up in the air on whether or not we'll do the walk next year.  Sometimes, it's just hard for me to imagine all of these babies being born sick up to 16 weeks early and surviving, while my baby was perfectly healthy at 38 weeks and didn't make it.  I'm obviously happy that all of those babies make it, just unhappy that mine didn't and should have.

Did I mention that I've been crabby the past couple of weeks?

When we were driving down to the walk yesterday, we were on the highway and a ladybug landed on our windshield.  Totally random and exactly what I needed.  Thank you, Nathan.  We miss you.

What's Your Story?

5 Weeks Pregnant

One week down, 32 weeks to go! 

Today marks 5 weeks for me and means I'm one week closer to having a successful pregnancy. I don't find myself getting attached to this pregnancy yet and I think it will be hard for me until we see a heart beating. We have 14 days until our ultrasound and it seems like an eternity. I am setting little milestones, though, which helps pass the time.  This past Sunday would have been the same day that I started my spotting with Nathan so it felt good to get through that day without any spotting.  I'm sure I spotted with him at that time because I was still on 2 progesterone suppositories a day, which I think irritated my cervix.  I am already down to 1 progesterone suppository so I think that may help with me not spotting.  Knock on wood.  My next milestone will be Thursday.  Last cycle, on Thursday, was when I started bleeding and was the beginning of my 1.5 week long miscarriage.  If I can get through Thursday with no bleeding, I will feel a little bit better.  It might seem strange that I'm setting such tiny goals for myself, but it's doing things like this that will help me get through each day. When you've suffered a miscarriage and stillbirth, you'll do whatever you have to do to get through a pregnancy without going insane or having to be institutionalized (which could still very well happen).

As for symptoms, they come and go at this point. They are:

1. Random nausea - I have it more this time around then I had with Nathan, but most of the time it happens when I'm hot or hungry. It was also winter/spring during my first trimester with Nathan and it is now summer so the heat may not help.
2. Sore chest - again, this just happens randomly.
3. Tired - this may be due to the fact that I was sleeping about 4 hours a night for a week and a half worrying about my blood test, but I'm making up for it now. Last night I was in bed at 8 and I had every intention of watching The Bachelorette, but fell asleep by 8:30.

So, nothing really exciting at this point.

Love you, baby boy.