1st Scan Eve

With Nathan's pregnancy, I was so excited for my first scan.  This time around, I'm the exact opposite. Considering the last two ultrasounds I've had (while pregnant) were the one that confirmed my latest miscarriage and then the one before that which should Nathan without a beating heart, I'm scared shitless of this one.  Again, I'm not having any constant symptoms, and even though I was like this with Nathan, it worries me now. I hope I can relax more after tomorrow's scan.  It'll be one step closer to meeting a baby that is alive.

I feel like, sometimes, this pregnancy overshadows the fact that Nathan died a mere 8 months ago. I didn't like talking about newborns then and I don't like talking about newborns now. I wasn't comfortable around newborns then and I'm not comfortable around newborns now. Hell, I'm not going to be completely comfortable around my own newborn. The reason I am uncomfortable around newborns is because that's the only way Chris and I knew Nathan. He was a newborn and he'll always be a newborn to us. I know that people don't really understand our reasoning, since they've never experienced the loss of their newborn, but unfortunately, it's the truth and it's how things are these days. Even though the topic has been brought up a lot at our support group, I never really experienced it until I became pregnant again, and I mean from everyone, especially those not as familiar with the situation. If people want to get upset over how I'm acting because I might hurt someone else's feeling, I don't care.  This grieving process is about Chris and I and nobody else. Until your baby dies, you won't understand and I don't blame you.

Also, this blog has had over 11,000 views in less than 8 months.  If you're dealing with a loss of a child or infertility, I hope reading someone else's journey has helped in your grieving or healing process.