Yesterday, I turned 28. The whole day was overwhelming. I know people meant well by wishing me a happy birthday but there was just no chance that yesterday was going to be a happy day for me. How was I supposed to celebrate my birthday when just 8 weeks ago I delivered our Nathan with no heartbeat? He doesn't ever get a chance to have a birthday. It just makes me feel horrible. If he can't celebrate, there's no way I'm going to celebrate. I cried on multiple occasions yesterday. The first was when I talked to my brother. We haven't talked since Nathan's funeral, but talking to him yesterday made me realize how much I miss him. The second time I cried was when I received a private message from someone who I played soccer with for one year in college. She was a freshman when I was a senior. First, she sent me a token last week that said something like "Thank you for all of your love. You were my angel and now I'm yours." Her message yesterday included that she knew I didn't want all the happy birthday wishes because they would cause the opposite effect to happen (true) and that she was just continuing to pray for Chris, Nathan, and myself. It was spot on and really thoughtful. The third time was when I received a post on facebook that said "hope you have an awesome day!". No chance in hell that yesterday was going to be an "awesome" day for me. She meant well, though, and it's not her fault that my life is what it is.
The last time I cried was when I saw that Nathan's blurb was included on Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep's facebook page since I had donated money to them on Giving Tuesday (follows Black Friday and Cyber Monday). Over 500 people liked the blurb and so many commented on how they were touched by it or how it reminded them of their own loss so many years ago. I guess this means I'm officially a member of the club, the club I would rather not be included.
Chris got me a card and it was signed from him, Nathan, and Sidney (our boxer) so I loved that. We also went to Target to pick out a gift since Chris gave me my big gift the day before Nathan's funeral (birthstone necklace and ring). We picked out a baby's first Christmas 2013 ornament. I love it and can't wait to hang it with all of his other ornaments.
In conclusion, I survived my birthday, realized how unimportant they are to me now, and reminded me how we would not get to throw Nathan a first birthday party, a 16th birthday party, or any birthday party because he's not here.
Nathan,
I hope you celebrated for your mom up in heaven yesterday. You were missed this birthday and will be missed on every birthday. We would have liked nothing more than to hold you and rock you to sleep last night or see that goofy smile that you should have been getting around this time. Our hearts still ache for you. Know how much we love you.
Love you Nate.
Hands
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Nathan was here
Last year on this date, I had two embryos transferred for our first fresh cycle for IVF. The result of that cycle was a chemical pregnancy. Last year on this date, Nathan was a day 3 embryo and still growing strong. We got the phone call on December 6 that they were able to freeze 2 of our embryos. Those 2 embryos were transferred in early February and the one resulted in Nathan. :) What a crazy, unbelievable year it's been. I was laid off last January, but found my dream job and found out I was pregnant in February. The next 38 weeks were the best weeks of my life. Now, here we are a year later, in the exact same spot as we were last year. Without a baby. :(
I still can't comprehend what happened or why it happened to us, but I am SO SO thankful for our perfect Nathan. Since I can't create new memories with Nathan, I'm going to recount the ones I do have of him.
1. The picture of him as an embryo the day he was transferred into my uterus in February.
2. The positive pregnancy test on Feb. 13 (something I had never seen before)
3. Seeing his heartbeat for the first time at 7 weeks 1 day pregnant
4. Seeing his heartbeat for the second time and seeing him squirm around at 9 weeks 1 day pregnant
5. Our first appointment with our OB/GYN at 13 weeks
6. Seeing our perfectly created baby at our 20 week ultrasound on June 11 and not finding out the sex
7. Hanging out with one of my BFF at her baby shower, first time we both had good size bellies
8. Camping in the Smokies at 24 weeks pregnant.
9. Celebrating the 4th of July with my nephews, brother, and sister in law at 24 weeks pregnant.
10. Boating and camping at 29 weeks pregnant
11. Feeling his feet kick me in the ribs CONSTANTLY
12. My baby shower in PA on August 24
13. My baby shower in OH on September 15
14. Laying by Chris on the couch, Chris would press my belly, and Nathan would put on a show for his dad. (this may be my favorite memory)
15. Finishing his nursery and having everything in place
16. Finding out he was a boy when he was delivered
17. Climbing to 11,000 ft in Lake Tahoe 4 weeks after my c-section with his halloween onesie that I sleep with.
18. The number of people that have been touched by our baby boy. We knew he was special, we just didn't know HOW special.
Those are my memories. How few there are. I wish there were more and I'm sure over the next 10 months more memories will start to populate as the dates pass when I was actually pregnant.
Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good
And Jesus, I was wondering if you would,
Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
Tell him all the things we'd teach him about You
Whisper in his ear
One more simple truth
Tell him that You love him
And that we love him too... ♥
I still can't comprehend what happened or why it happened to us, but I am SO SO thankful for our perfect Nathan. Since I can't create new memories with Nathan, I'm going to recount the ones I do have of him.
1. The picture of him as an embryo the day he was transferred into my uterus in February.
2. The positive pregnancy test on Feb. 13 (something I had never seen before)
3. Seeing his heartbeat for the first time at 7 weeks 1 day pregnant
4. Seeing his heartbeat for the second time and seeing him squirm around at 9 weeks 1 day pregnant
5. Our first appointment with our OB/GYN at 13 weeks
6. Seeing our perfectly created baby at our 20 week ultrasound on June 11 and not finding out the sex
7. Hanging out with one of my BFF at her baby shower, first time we both had good size bellies
8. Camping in the Smokies at 24 weeks pregnant.
9. Celebrating the 4th of July with my nephews, brother, and sister in law at 24 weeks pregnant.
10. Boating and camping at 29 weeks pregnant
11. Feeling his feet kick me in the ribs CONSTANTLY
12. My baby shower in PA on August 24
13. My baby shower in OH on September 15
14. Laying by Chris on the couch, Chris would press my belly, and Nathan would put on a show for his dad. (this may be my favorite memory)
15. Finishing his nursery and having everything in place
16. Finding out he was a boy when he was delivered
17. Climbing to 11,000 ft in Lake Tahoe 4 weeks after my c-section with his halloween onesie that I sleep with.
18. The number of people that have been touched by our baby boy. We knew he was special, we just didn't know HOW special.
Those are my memories. How few there are. I wish there were more and I'm sure over the next 10 months more memories will start to populate as the dates pass when I was actually pregnant.
Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good
And Jesus, I was wondering if you would,
Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
Tell him all the things we'd teach him about You
Whisper in his ear
One more simple truth
Tell him that You love him
And that we love him too... ♥
Monday, December 2, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Tis the Season
So, I survived Thanksgiving. I only had to sneak away 2 times to compose myself. It was on Thanksgiving last year when we started the shots for our IVF, which in turn created our strong embryo (Nathan). What a year it's been. A year that started out with so much promise has quickly gone downhill since October 10. When we returned home from my parents on Thursday, we were sadly welcomed by a very sick dog. He had gotten sick in EVERY room in our house and this is no exaggeration. Chris and I spent a good hour or so cleaning everything up and then Chris called our vet and then was on his way to the 24 hour animal hospital with Sidney at 1 am. Chris got home after 4 am and Sidney was admitted to the hospital for dehydration, vomiting, and evidence of bloody diarrhea (yuck). He had to stay there 2 nights and we picked him up this morning. He's still not eating much and I'm sure he has lost at least 10 lbs. Poor guy. We are praying that he returns to good health soon. I need to remind myself that I can't make the statement, "things can't get any worse", because every time I say that, it does get worse.
Since the animal hospital is right down the street from the mall, Chris and I made an attempt to shop last night on Black Friday. I was good for about 30 minutes and that's when my anxiety started picking up. There were so many strollers and so many families that looked happy. I wish we could have that happiness. Walking past the stores that had the baby outfits for Christmas in the window was also a downer. I was looking forward to our first Christmas with Nathan. I wanted to pick out his outfits and be able to take his picture with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. What actually made me start crying at the mall was seeing a little boy (probably about 1 years old) getting his picture on Santa's lap. I hadn't thought about that at all. We'll never get to experience that with Nathan. I am confident that he is sitting on Jesus's lap, but unfortunately, we are alone down here. I am counting down the days until 2014 arrives.
I return to my job on Monday. I have mixed emotions about this. As the date gets closer and closer, I can't help but feel nervous. I know I'll be happy to be back once I get there but it's the anticipation that's nerve-racking. I hope that the days go quick and helps pass the time until we can start our IVF process again. Just an update on that, I have started taking the recommended vitamins (about 5 a day), exercising frequently, and eating healthy to give myself the best opportunity when the egg retrieval and embryo transfer happens. On January 1, I will go gluten and sugar free again as well as avoid alcohol. I'm not sure what impact that had on our successful IVF, but since it worked then, I'm sticking with it. We are looking at starting the birth control on my January cycle, then ramping up the shots in February, with an embryo transfer happening around March 1. 3 months from tomorrow. THREE. SHORT. MONTHS. Right?
Nathan,
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
Since the animal hospital is right down the street from the mall, Chris and I made an attempt to shop last night on Black Friday. I was good for about 30 minutes and that's when my anxiety started picking up. There were so many strollers and so many families that looked happy. I wish we could have that happiness. Walking past the stores that had the baby outfits for Christmas in the window was also a downer. I was looking forward to our first Christmas with Nathan. I wanted to pick out his outfits and be able to take his picture with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. What actually made me start crying at the mall was seeing a little boy (probably about 1 years old) getting his picture on Santa's lap. I hadn't thought about that at all. We'll never get to experience that with Nathan. I am confident that he is sitting on Jesus's lap, but unfortunately, we are alone down here. I am counting down the days until 2014 arrives.
I return to my job on Monday. I have mixed emotions about this. As the date gets closer and closer, I can't help but feel nervous. I know I'll be happy to be back once I get there but it's the anticipation that's nerve-racking. I hope that the days go quick and helps pass the time until we can start our IVF process again. Just an update on that, I have started taking the recommended vitamins (about 5 a day), exercising frequently, and eating healthy to give myself the best opportunity when the egg retrieval and embryo transfer happens. On January 1, I will go gluten and sugar free again as well as avoid alcohol. I'm not sure what impact that had on our successful IVF, but since it worked then, I'm sticking with it. We are looking at starting the birth control on my January cycle, then ramping up the shots in February, with an embryo transfer happening around March 1. 3 months from tomorrow. THREE. SHORT. MONTHS. Right?
Nathan,
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
I Cried
Okay, so that's no surprise that I cried. But this time, I really let loose. I am coming to terms with how hard the holidays are actually going to be. It's not so much that it would have been Nathan's "first" holidays, but the fact that I have to go watch everyone else interact with their children (regardless of their age). That's what I'M supposed to be doing this year and every year after this. I am so scared about getting through the day acting "happy" when really all I'll want to do is roll up in a ball on my couch and hold my 8 lbs 2 oz pillow. It also isn't going to be easy seeing my cousin's wife there who will be 36 weeks pregnant. I'm just not ready for that yet. Nothing against her, the issue is all in my head.
Another thing is I wonder if people will actually talk about Nathan or just sort of forget about him that day? Now that he's gone and his services are over, will my extended family ever include him in conversation again? I sure hope so but I'm not certain, especially with the next baby in the family due in the next 4 weeks.
On a positive note, I was released by my OB last week and am now able to do whatever physical activity I feel like. I've been running an average of 3 miles a day (trying to take it easy) and then I took a spinning class this morning. I feel great physically and honestly, right after a workout, is when I feel normal. I'm eating healthy and trying to get workouts in every day so that I can be to my ideal weight before we start IVF again in February. I know that's a long ways off but with the holidays and all the food that is included there, it's never to early to start. Also, it's easy for those who have newborns to carry around a little extra weight because they have the excuse either in a stroller or in their arms. Me, not so much. Just looks like I ate too much halloween candy.
I applied to take the Professional Engineering exam in Kentucky in April. I'm hoping there are no issues as this will give me something to focus on over the next couple of months. I'm not kidding when I say I'll need to relearn EVERYTHING from undergrad since so much of the engineering work these days is computer based or formula based which doesn't compare to the 3 pages of equations to solve one problem that had to be done back in school. I think this will be good.
One last thing for today. I'm looking forward to this guilty feeling going away eventually. Why can't I get pregnant like a normal person? If Chris and I had it our way, we would have had at least 2 kids by now. We currently have 1 who we can't even be with. Why didn't I feel like Nathan was in distress? Is there something I did that made him get so tangled? Was it the bouncing on the exercise ball to get him into position? Why couldn't I protect him? I know people say there was nothing I could do about it, but when it happens inside of you, you feel differently. I think of these questions several times a day, which is one of the reasons I cry.
Nathan is safe in heaven and we'll meet again. I heard this song on the radio recently and there has never been a more perfect song to describe my feelings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason that I'm broken, the reason that I cry
Is how long I must wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me the strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.
Another thing is I wonder if people will actually talk about Nathan or just sort of forget about him that day? Now that he's gone and his services are over, will my extended family ever include him in conversation again? I sure hope so but I'm not certain, especially with the next baby in the family due in the next 4 weeks.
On a positive note, I was released by my OB last week and am now able to do whatever physical activity I feel like. I've been running an average of 3 miles a day (trying to take it easy) and then I took a spinning class this morning. I feel great physically and honestly, right after a workout, is when I feel normal. I'm eating healthy and trying to get workouts in every day so that I can be to my ideal weight before we start IVF again in February. I know that's a long ways off but with the holidays and all the food that is included there, it's never to early to start. Also, it's easy for those who have newborns to carry around a little extra weight because they have the excuse either in a stroller or in their arms. Me, not so much. Just looks like I ate too much halloween candy.
I applied to take the Professional Engineering exam in Kentucky in April. I'm hoping there are no issues as this will give me something to focus on over the next couple of months. I'm not kidding when I say I'll need to relearn EVERYTHING from undergrad since so much of the engineering work these days is computer based or formula based which doesn't compare to the 3 pages of equations to solve one problem that had to be done back in school. I think this will be good.
One last thing for today. I'm looking forward to this guilty feeling going away eventually. Why can't I get pregnant like a normal person? If Chris and I had it our way, we would have had at least 2 kids by now. We currently have 1 who we can't even be with. Why didn't I feel like Nathan was in distress? Is there something I did that made him get so tangled? Was it the bouncing on the exercise ball to get him into position? Why couldn't I protect him? I know people say there was nothing I could do about it, but when it happens inside of you, you feel differently. I think of these questions several times a day, which is one of the reasons I cry.
Nathan is safe in heaven and we'll meet again. I heard this song on the radio recently and there has never been a more perfect song to describe my feelings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason that I'm broken, the reason that I cry
Is how long I must wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me the strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Necessary Tasks
We received the draft of Nathan's marker today. It's just another reminder of what we're going through. Who would have thought that we would be picking out something like this at 27 and 28 years old? It's sad to see, but also perfect in how we want him to be remembered.
Love you, buddy.
Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
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