Leaving

This blog post brought up one of the worst memories of my life.

http://dianawrote.com/2014/01/giving-kaden-back/

The feelings I felt when I had to leave the hospital without Nathan are indescribable.  I remember kissing his hands, feet, and face and feeling so hopeless.  I would have given my life to be able to stay with him forever.  This is one of the moments I would like to forget, but also not like to forget.

I miss you more than you know, Nathan.  I promise to never leave you when we see you next.  NEVER.  I'm sorry.

Oh, January

I haven't posted much lately and that's because not much has been going on.  I'm still stuck on this roller coaster called grief, with some days being great while others are far from great.  I guess that's what I can expect from here on out, though.  There are some nights still where I don't sleep a wink, such as last night.  I just can't turn my mind off.  I'm constantly thinking about Nathan, if there was any way I could have prevented it from happening.  Upcoming costs with all of our IVF treatments keeps me awake too.  Consider yourself lucky if you don't have to spend $10,000 a try every time you want to have a baby.  Oh yeah, and there's no guarantee that you'll have one.  Because of this, I question God a lot.  Why are we dealing with this?  Did we do something to deserve all of this - infertility and our son dying?  Really?  None of it makes sense.  Why did God take Nathan and not me?  I know there's a plan, but as of right now, I'm not a fan.  Will God view us differently in Heaven because of the extreme pain we have to endure here on earth?  I'm not sure.

Also, I had a fear that Nathan would be forgotten after the holidays.  People don't mention him much and I'm not sure in what context people should mention him but it's starting to feel like he's fading from some peoples' thoughts.  Such is life I guess.  Everybody moves on but Chris and I are left with our grief.  Nobody else has an empty nursery that they have to walk by every night and baby gear hidden in extra closets and the basement.  Nobody else looks at pregnant people on the streets and think how naïve they are and that something can happen to their baby at ANY time during the 40 weeks. Nobody else has to figure out how to decorate a baby boy's grave, instead they're out buying clothes or planning for their future.

I just reread the two paragraphs above and had to laugh.  Wow, I sound miserable.  I'm not miserable, though, just different from who I was before Nathan died.  I definitely don't have the same tolerance for people that I had before.  I'm also a lot more anxious about little things.  I now know that EVERYTHING can go wrong and it's quite possible that it will.  I am grateful for what I have, but I'm ready for the last 2 shitty years to be a thing of the past.  Not Nathan, because if I had to go through what I did to see and hold Nathan again, I would in a heartbeat. 

Nothing new on the IVF front besides filling out the stack full of paperwork that's required, taking antibiotics that are required for Chris and I, figuring out the prices for all of my medication this time, and anxiously and nervously awaiting the start of my shots on January 25.  I'm nervous that this cycle won't work and I just don't know how much more heartache a girl can take. 

I'm officially down to my prepregnancy weight so things are great on that front.  12 weeks out, not too shabby.

Good thing it's JUANuary and The Bachelor just started.  Nothing like a ridiculous reality show to pass the weeks.

Also, it's negative 2 degrees here in Cincinnati today.  I don't do negative 2 degrees and neither does our dog, Sid.  Keep warm.

In My Arms Again

On the ocean of our dreams
Like a prayer you came to me
And the longing that had been
Found its ending in your eyes
And I am missing you tonight

I really want to see you
I really want to touch you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
I really want to reach you
Forever to be with you
If only I could hold you in my arms again

My 28th Birthday

Yesterday, I turned 28.  The whole day was overwhelming.  I know people meant well by wishing me a happy birthday but there was just no chance that yesterday was going to be a happy day for me.  How was I supposed to celebrate my birthday when just 8 weeks ago I delivered our Nathan with no heartbeat?  He doesn't ever get a chance to have a birthday.  It just makes me feel horrible.  If he can't celebrate, there's no way I'm going to celebrate. I cried on multiple occasions yesterday.  The first was when I talked to my brother.  We haven't talked since Nathan's funeral, but talking to him yesterday made me realize how much I miss him.  The second time I cried was when I received a private message from someone who I played soccer with for one year in college.  She was a freshman when I was a senior.  First, she sent me a token last week that said something like "Thank you for all of your love.  You were my angel and now I'm yours."  Her message yesterday included that she knew I didn't want all the happy birthday wishes because they would cause the opposite effect to happen (true) and that she was just continuing to pray for Chris, Nathan, and myself.  It was spot on and really thoughtful.  The third time was when I received a post on facebook that said "hope you have an awesome day!".  No chance in hell that yesterday was going to be an "awesome" day for me.  She meant well, though, and it's not her fault that my life is what it is.

The last time I cried was when I saw that Nathan's blurb was included on Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep's facebook page since I had donated money to them on Giving Tuesday (follows Black Friday and Cyber Monday).  Over 500 people liked the blurb and so many commented on how they were touched by it or how it reminded them of their own loss so many years ago.  I guess this means I'm officially a member of the club, the club I would rather not be included.

Chris got me a card and it was signed from him, Nathan, and Sidney (our boxer) so I loved that.  We also went to Target to pick out a gift since Chris gave me my big gift the day before Nathan's funeral (birthstone necklace and ring).  We picked out a baby's first Christmas 2013 ornament.  I love it and can't wait to hang it with all of his other ornaments. 

In conclusion, I survived my birthday, realized how unimportant they are to me now, and reminded me how we would not get to throw Nathan a first birthday party, a 16th birthday party, or any birthday party because he's not here.

Nathan,
I hope you celebrated for your mom up in heaven yesterday.  You were missed this birthday and will be missed on every birthday.  We would have liked nothing more than to hold you and rock you to sleep last night or see that goofy smile that you should have been getting around this time.  Our hearts still ache for you.  Know how much we love you.
Love you Nate.