Oh, January

I haven't posted much lately and that's because not much has been going on.  I'm still stuck on this roller coaster called grief, with some days being great while others are far from great.  I guess that's what I can expect from here on out, though.  There are some nights still where I don't sleep a wink, such as last night.  I just can't turn my mind off.  I'm constantly thinking about Nathan, if there was any way I could have prevented it from happening.  Upcoming costs with all of our IVF treatments keeps me awake too.  Consider yourself lucky if you don't have to spend $10,000 a try every time you want to have a baby.  Oh yeah, and there's no guarantee that you'll have one.  Because of this, I question God a lot.  Why are we dealing with this?  Did we do something to deserve all of this - infertility and our son dying?  Really?  None of it makes sense.  Why did God take Nathan and not me?  I know there's a plan, but as of right now, I'm not a fan.  Will God view us differently in Heaven because of the extreme pain we have to endure here on earth?  I'm not sure.

Also, I had a fear that Nathan would be forgotten after the holidays.  People don't mention him much and I'm not sure in what context people should mention him but it's starting to feel like he's fading from some peoples' thoughts.  Such is life I guess.  Everybody moves on but Chris and I are left with our grief.  Nobody else has an empty nursery that they have to walk by every night and baby gear hidden in extra closets and the basement.  Nobody else looks at pregnant people on the streets and think how naïve they are and that something can happen to their baby at ANY time during the 40 weeks. Nobody else has to figure out how to decorate a baby boy's grave, instead they're out buying clothes or planning for their future.

I just reread the two paragraphs above and had to laugh.  Wow, I sound miserable.  I'm not miserable, though, just different from who I was before Nathan died.  I definitely don't have the same tolerance for people that I had before.  I'm also a lot more anxious about little things.  I now know that EVERYTHING can go wrong and it's quite possible that it will.  I am grateful for what I have, but I'm ready for the last 2 shitty years to be a thing of the past.  Not Nathan, because if I had to go through what I did to see and hold Nathan again, I would in a heartbeat. 

Nothing new on the IVF front besides filling out the stack full of paperwork that's required, taking antibiotics that are required for Chris and I, figuring out the prices for all of my medication this time, and anxiously and nervously awaiting the start of my shots on January 25.  I'm nervous that this cycle won't work and I just don't know how much more heartache a girl can take. 

I'm officially down to my prepregnancy weight so things are great on that front.  12 weeks out, not too shabby.

Good thing it's JUANuary and The Bachelor just started.  Nothing like a ridiculous reality show to pass the weeks.

Also, it's negative 2 degrees here in Cincinnati today.  I don't do negative 2 degrees and neither does our dog, Sid.  Keep warm.

A New Year

It's official.  Today is the start of a new year for us.  I also started my birth control pills today so we're officially in our IVF cycle now.  As of today, I'm confident about this cycle.  For anybody who has gone through IVF, you know that your feelings change daily.  I may be confident today, scared the next day, and stressed the next.  You know why this cycle will work for us this time?  It's because we've been through hell and back in the past three months and it's our turn for some good luck.  It's also going to work because we have the best guardian angel.  We always ask Nathan if he can have a talk with the big man about blessing us with another child.  We're at the point where we NEED to give the love that we were going to give to Nathan here on earth to another child.  We were 100% prepared to raise a child here on earth, but unfortunately, it didn't happen as planned.  We have a beautiful nursery that is waiting for our next child.  We have sisters, brothers, and parents who are ready to share their love with the next Banner child.  It WILL happen.  It HAS to happen.

Since today is the official start of our IVF cycle, I am once again gluten free and sugar free.  Who knows if it had an impact last time, but it did work last time so there's no way I'm changing what I did.  I'm also alcohol free again (this one's the toughest since it helps with my anxiety and helps me relax).

We went and visited Nathan's grave today.  I still can't believe that our poor baby boy has a grave.  Our poor, sweet boy.

Here are some pictures from 2013, good and bad.

We Survived

Well we did it.  We survived Christmas.  It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears, but we're still here to talk about it so I consider that a win. 

We spent Christmas with Chris's family and it was very nice.  It's always good to see his family since we live 5 hours away.  Nathan was included in Christmas and even had his stocking full which made my heart want to burst.  Both of our families included Nathan which means so much to us.  We also received some Christmas cards from some of our friends that included Nathan which meant a lot to us as well.  He is our son after all.  Sometimes I do think that people forget that Chris is a father and I am a mother.  Hell, we have the hardest jobs as parents at this point.  Those sleepless nights and unruly kids are nothing compared to what we have to live with as parents each day. 

Next worry or day I'm not looking forward to is January 1, 2014.  One of my friends that I met through one of my support websites put it best.  She said that it feels like a year was stolen from them.  That it will feel like 2013 didn't even happen.  She and I both got pregnant at the beginning of 2013, had our babies grow inside of us, and then we both delivered our children without a heartbeat when they were full term.  This is so true.  Our whole 2013 revolved around Nathan and now it will be gone.  This is really hard for me to stomach.  I know that Nathan will always be with us, but 2013 was his year.  I had an interesting night thinking about this last night and let's just say that sleep did not come easy.

So, January 1 is also officially our start date for our IVF cycle.  I will be on birth control for ovary suppression from January 1- January 21.  On January 25, I start my shots.  I will be doing 20 units of Lupron in the morning and at night and also 4 vials of Bravelle at night.  This will continue until the 28th. I go in on January 29 for my ultrasound and bloodwork and then they will determine if we can continue with the cycle or not. This is the same exact protocol I was on in November of 2012 that created our great embryos so hopefully the same happens this time.  If you're the praying type, please, please pray for us.  We would really benefit from some good news this month.

Nathan was here

Last year on this date, I had two embryos transferred for our first fresh cycle for IVF.  The result of that cycle was a chemical pregnancy.  Last year on this date, Nathan was a day 3 embryo and still growing strong.  We got the phone call on December 6 that they were able to freeze 2 of our embryos.  Those 2 embryos were transferred in early February and the one resulted in Nathan. :)  What a crazy, unbelievable year it's been.  I was laid off last January, but found my dream job and found out I was pregnant in February.  The next 38 weeks were the best weeks of my life.  Now, here we are a year later, in the exact same spot as we were last year.  Without a baby. :(

I still can't comprehend what happened or why it happened to us, but I am SO SO thankful for our perfect Nathan.  Since I can't create new memories with Nathan, I'm going to recount the ones I do have of him.

1. The picture of him as an embryo the day he was transferred into my uterus in February.
2. The positive pregnancy test on Feb. 13 (something I had never seen before)
3. Seeing his heartbeat for the first time at 7 weeks 1 day pregnant
4. Seeing his heartbeat for the second time and seeing him squirm around at 9 weeks 1 day pregnant
5. Our first appointment with our OB/GYN at 13 weeks
6. Seeing our perfectly created baby at our 20 week ultrasound on June 11 and not finding out the sex
7. Hanging out with one of my BFF at her baby shower, first time we both had good size bellies
8. Camping in the Smokies at 24 weeks pregnant.
9. Celebrating the 4th of July with my nephews, brother, and sister in law at 24 weeks pregnant.
10. Boating and camping at 29 weeks pregnant
11. Feeling his feet kick me in the ribs CONSTANTLY
12. My baby shower in PA on August 24
13. My baby shower in OH on September 15
14. Laying by Chris on the couch, Chris would press my belly, and Nathan would put on a show for his dad.  (this may be my favorite memory)
15. Finishing his nursery and having everything in place
16. Finding out he was a boy when he was delivered
17. Climbing to 11,000 ft in Lake Tahoe 4 weeks after my c-section with his halloween onesie that I sleep with.
18. The number of people that have been touched by our baby boy.  We knew he was special, we just didn't know HOW special.

Those are my memories.  How few there are.  I wish there were more and I'm sure over the next 10 months more memories will start to populate as the dates pass when I was actually pregnant.

Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good
And Jesus, I was wondering if you would,
Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
Tell him all the things we'd teach him about You
Whisper in his ear
One more simple truth
Tell him that You love him 
And that we love him too... ♥