Missing you, Nate

2 Months

Our sweetest Nathan,

You would be 2 months old day.  I can't believe it's already 2 months.  I can't believe I've survived 2 months without you.  It feels like it was just yesterday when our world came crashing down but at the same time, it feels like it happened an eternity ago.  If you were here, I'd still be at home with you but instead, I'm back at work trying to figure out how to live without half of my heart.

Christmas is coming up and it hurts so deeply that your dad and I can't celebrate it with you, our son.  Some days when I see all of the Christmas decorations or families laughing, I feel like I'm suffocating.  Don't worry, we didn't forget you.  We hung your stocking and all of your ornaments are on the tree.  We replaced our stocking holders with ones that are different parts of a train, something that will remind us of you every Christmas.  What's the Christmas season like up in Heaven?  I'm sure it's perfect, just like it always is.  I'm sorry we can't give you any gifts or good morning kisses on Christmas day, but I bet your Grandpa Tom will make sure you get some.  I'll give you a million kisses when I see you, though.

I think you're starting to make your presence known around here.  I swear I felt something brush against my leg in our office the other day.  Was that you?  Were you the reason there was a white feather on the couch?  I like to believe that it's all because of you.

This month, instead of going to Christmas parties with you, your dad and I are left with the deepest sadness.  We remain grateful for our 38 weeks with you and we remain hopeful that we will get to be with you again someday.  It will be you who greets us at the gates of Heaven and it will be you who we run to first.  Nate, we couldn't be more proud to be your parents and if we had to do it all again just to hold you in our arms for 3 days, we would.  We love you, buddy.

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

Homesick

I'm feeling especially homesick today.  I don't know if it's the ugly weather or the fact that it's a Monday, but I just can't shake this anxious feeling.

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

My mother in law keeps asking what I want for Christmas.  The answer is nothing.  I don't want anything.  I just want what the picture above states.  I want my Nathan back.  In memory of Nate, we are going to pick a name from the Giving Tree at our church each year that has a boy who is a similar age as what Nathan would be at that time.  We chose a boy this year who need clothes ranging from 0-6 months.  I went out and bought them last weekend.  That was painful, but it didn't compare to the feeling I had when wrapping them yesterday.  I shouldn't have to wrap them.  I should be able to wash them and dress my son in them.  It comforts me knowing that a little boy will be getting this clothes this Christmas, though.  I think Nathan would want that.

Love you, buddy.

My 28th Birthday

Yesterday, I turned 28.  The whole day was overwhelming.  I know people meant well by wishing me a happy birthday but there was just no chance that yesterday was going to be a happy day for me.  How was I supposed to celebrate my birthday when just 8 weeks ago I delivered our Nathan with no heartbeat?  He doesn't ever get a chance to have a birthday.  It just makes me feel horrible.  If he can't celebrate, there's no way I'm going to celebrate. I cried on multiple occasions yesterday.  The first was when I talked to my brother.  We haven't talked since Nathan's funeral, but talking to him yesterday made me realize how much I miss him.  The second time I cried was when I received a private message from someone who I played soccer with for one year in college.  She was a freshman when I was a senior.  First, she sent me a token last week that said something like "Thank you for all of your love.  You were my angel and now I'm yours."  Her message yesterday included that she knew I didn't want all the happy birthday wishes because they would cause the opposite effect to happen (true) and that she was just continuing to pray for Chris, Nathan, and myself.  It was spot on and really thoughtful.  The third time was when I received a post on facebook that said "hope you have an awesome day!".  No chance in hell that yesterday was going to be an "awesome" day for me.  She meant well, though, and it's not her fault that my life is what it is.

The last time I cried was when I saw that Nathan's blurb was included on Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep's facebook page since I had donated money to them on Giving Tuesday (follows Black Friday and Cyber Monday).  Over 500 people liked the blurb and so many commented on how they were touched by it or how it reminded them of their own loss so many years ago.  I guess this means I'm officially a member of the club, the club I would rather not be included.

Chris got me a card and it was signed from him, Nathan, and Sidney (our boxer) so I loved that.  We also went to Target to pick out a gift since Chris gave me my big gift the day before Nathan's funeral (birthstone necklace and ring).  We picked out a baby's first Christmas 2013 ornament.  I love it and can't wait to hang it with all of his other ornaments. 

In conclusion, I survived my birthday, realized how unimportant they are to me now, and reminded me how we would not get to throw Nathan a first birthday party, a 16th birthday party, or any birthday party because he's not here.

Nathan,
I hope you celebrated for your mom up in heaven yesterday.  You were missed this birthday and will be missed on every birthday.  We would have liked nothing more than to hold you and rock you to sleep last night or see that goofy smile that you should have been getting around this time.  Our hearts still ache for you.  Know how much we love you.
Love you Nate.

Nathan was here

Last year on this date, I had two embryos transferred for our first fresh cycle for IVF.  The result of that cycle was a chemical pregnancy.  Last year on this date, Nathan was a day 3 embryo and still growing strong.  We got the phone call on December 6 that they were able to freeze 2 of our embryos.  Those 2 embryos were transferred in early February and the one resulted in Nathan. :)  What a crazy, unbelievable year it's been.  I was laid off last January, but found my dream job and found out I was pregnant in February.  The next 38 weeks were the best weeks of my life.  Now, here we are a year later, in the exact same spot as we were last year.  Without a baby. :(

I still can't comprehend what happened or why it happened to us, but I am SO SO thankful for our perfect Nathan.  Since I can't create new memories with Nathan, I'm going to recount the ones I do have of him.

1. The picture of him as an embryo the day he was transferred into my uterus in February.
2. The positive pregnancy test on Feb. 13 (something I had never seen before)
3. Seeing his heartbeat for the first time at 7 weeks 1 day pregnant
4. Seeing his heartbeat for the second time and seeing him squirm around at 9 weeks 1 day pregnant
5. Our first appointment with our OB/GYN at 13 weeks
6. Seeing our perfectly created baby at our 20 week ultrasound on June 11 and not finding out the sex
7. Hanging out with one of my BFF at her baby shower, first time we both had good size bellies
8. Camping in the Smokies at 24 weeks pregnant.
9. Celebrating the 4th of July with my nephews, brother, and sister in law at 24 weeks pregnant.
10. Boating and camping at 29 weeks pregnant
11. Feeling his feet kick me in the ribs CONSTANTLY
12. My baby shower in PA on August 24
13. My baby shower in OH on September 15
14. Laying by Chris on the couch, Chris would press my belly, and Nathan would put on a show for his dad.  (this may be my favorite memory)
15. Finishing his nursery and having everything in place
16. Finding out he was a boy when he was delivered
17. Climbing to 11,000 ft in Lake Tahoe 4 weeks after my c-section with his halloween onesie that I sleep with.
18. The number of people that have been touched by our baby boy.  We knew he was special, we just didn't know HOW special.

Those are my memories.  How few there are.  I wish there were more and I'm sure over the next 10 months more memories will start to populate as the dates pass when I was actually pregnant.

Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good
And Jesus, I was wondering if you would,
Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
Tell him all the things we'd teach him about You
Whisper in his ear
One more simple truth
Tell him that You love him 
And that we love him too... ♥

Christmas decorations

Love you, buddy.

I Miss These Feet