Leaving

This blog post brought up one of the worst memories of my life.

http://dianawrote.com/2014/01/giving-kaden-back/

The feelings I felt when I had to leave the hospital without Nathan are indescribable.  I remember kissing his hands, feet, and face and feeling so hopeless.  I would have given my life to be able to stay with him forever.  This is one of the moments I would like to forget, but also not like to forget.

I miss you more than you know, Nathan.  I promise to never leave you when we see you next.  NEVER.  I'm sorry.

3 Months

Our precious Nathan,


You have officially been an angel for 3 months today.  Seriously?  How has it already been 3 months?  How have your dad and I made it this long without you?  I still find myself sitting alone sometimes wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare.  It has to be a nightmare.  How can somebody have a perfect pregnancy with a perfect baby then lose them after 38 weeks?  It baffles me.  Instead of cuddling with you this evening, we'll get home from work, make dinner, watch tv to pass the time, walk past your empty room, and go to bed.  Sigh.


How was Christmas in Heaven?  I bet there are no words to describe it.  You were definitely still included in Christmas down here by your family.  It just wasn't the same without you here.  Your cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all talked about you and you were not forgotten.  This made your dad and I very happy.  One day we'll celebrate Christmas together and I'm sure it will be amazing.


With the start of the new year, it brought the start of our journey to give you a little brother or sister.  If you are hanging out with them in Heaven, can you tell them we're ready to meet them?  I can't wait for the day when we have your little brother or sister in our arms and we can see all of your features in them.  Seeing their eyes will give us a glimpse into what your eyes were sure to have looked like.  I also think that having your little brother or sister will make this journey called life a little easier for us without you.  No, they will not replace you.  If anything, it will make us feel closer to you.  As the days pass, so do the amount of days since we've been able to hold you.  I could have stayed in that hospital forever with you. 


Continue to send your dad and I signs that you're alright.  I can't remember seeing so many ladybugs before you left us.  I read shortly after that ladybugs were a sign.  The night that we received your angel for the top of our Christmas tree, a ladybug crawled across the tv in the family room.  I'm sure that was you.  What made me so sure about it was when that ladybug continued to crawl across the ceiling and stopped right above your angel on the tree.  It stayed there the rest of the night.  Thank you for that.  I also saw a ladybug on Wednesday night after my support group.  You always know when I need a sign.


I had a dream with Great Grandpa Don in it.  He was sitting in his recliner that he used to always sit in.  He told me that you were there with him and that you were safe.  Never have I woken up crying, but that time I did.  I hope you continue to be safe in the arms of your Grandpa Tom and Great Grandpa Don. 


We love you to the moon and back, buddy.

A New Year

It's official.  Today is the start of a new year for us.  I also started my birth control pills today so we're officially in our IVF cycle now.  As of today, I'm confident about this cycle.  For anybody who has gone through IVF, you know that your feelings change daily.  I may be confident today, scared the next day, and stressed the next.  You know why this cycle will work for us this time?  It's because we've been through hell and back in the past three months and it's our turn for some good luck.  It's also going to work because we have the best guardian angel.  We always ask Nathan if he can have a talk with the big man about blessing us with another child.  We're at the point where we NEED to give the love that we were going to give to Nathan here on earth to another child.  We were 100% prepared to raise a child here on earth, but unfortunately, it didn't happen as planned.  We have a beautiful nursery that is waiting for our next child.  We have sisters, brothers, and parents who are ready to share their love with the next Banner child.  It WILL happen.  It HAS to happen.

Since today is the official start of our IVF cycle, I am once again gluten free and sugar free.  Who knows if it had an impact last time, but it did work last time so there's no way I'm changing what I did.  I'm also alcohol free again (this one's the toughest since it helps with my anxiety and helps me relax).

We went and visited Nathan's grave today.  I still can't believe that our poor baby boy has a grave.  Our poor, sweet boy.

Here are some pictures from 2013, good and bad.

We Survived

Well we did it.  We survived Christmas.  It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears, but we're still here to talk about it so I consider that a win. 

We spent Christmas with Chris's family and it was very nice.  It's always good to see his family since we live 5 hours away.  Nathan was included in Christmas and even had his stocking full which made my heart want to burst.  Both of our families included Nathan which means so much to us.  We also received some Christmas cards from some of our friends that included Nathan which meant a lot to us as well.  He is our son after all.  Sometimes I do think that people forget that Chris is a father and I am a mother.  Hell, we have the hardest jobs as parents at this point.  Those sleepless nights and unruly kids are nothing compared to what we have to live with as parents each day. 

Next worry or day I'm not looking forward to is January 1, 2014.  One of my friends that I met through one of my support websites put it best.  She said that it feels like a year was stolen from them.  That it will feel like 2013 didn't even happen.  She and I both got pregnant at the beginning of 2013, had our babies grow inside of us, and then we both delivered our children without a heartbeat when they were full term.  This is so true.  Our whole 2013 revolved around Nathan and now it will be gone.  This is really hard for me to stomach.  I know that Nathan will always be with us, but 2013 was his year.  I had an interesting night thinking about this last night and let's just say that sleep did not come easy.

So, January 1 is also officially our start date for our IVF cycle.  I will be on birth control for ovary suppression from January 1- January 21.  On January 25, I start my shots.  I will be doing 20 units of Lupron in the morning and at night and also 4 vials of Bravelle at night.  This will continue until the 28th. I go in on January 29 for my ultrasound and bloodwork and then they will determine if we can continue with the cycle or not. This is the same exact protocol I was on in November of 2012 that created our great embryos so hopefully the same happens this time.  If you're the praying type, please, please pray for us.  We would really benefit from some good news this month.

In My Arms Again

On the ocean of our dreams
Like a prayer you came to me
And the longing that had been
Found its ending in your eyes
And I am missing you tonight

I really want to see you
I really want to touch you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
I really want to reach you
Forever to be with you
If only I could hold you in my arms again

Truth

My dad had lunch with a friend last week.  This friend is VERY involved in his church.  For him to put this much time into thinking of Nathan and our questions of "why?" is very touching.  Reading such things gives me a great comfort knowing that Nathan is indeed in paradise waiting for us.

It was good to see and talk to you on Tuesday.  During our conversation as you were sharing with me about the death of Julie’s son you questioned, why does this type of thing happen?  This question has weighed heavily upon me since our talk and I have felt compelled to share with you some of my thoughts on the question.  As you read my thoughts, my hope is that you can listen to your heart and the feelings these thoughts bring to your heart.  This is how God communicates with us.  In the bible after the crucifixion of Christ as two of his disciples walked down the road to Emmaus Christ appeared to them.  At first they did not recognize him, but as they walked it says he expounded unto them the scriptures.  Then after they recognized him and he vanished from their sight they said in recollection of what happened.  “Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while He opened to us the scriptures?”  (Luke 24:32)  After having this experience with the resurrected Savior they realized that the Holy Ghost thru the feelings in their hearts had witnessed unto them the truths that Christ had taught them as they walked down the road.  This is how we can discern truth from error.  This is how I pray you will approach the thoughts I have.  With an open mind and an open heart.  I will not go into the scriptural references to all that I share.  If you desire we can do that at another time.  But I will simply share divine truths that I know to be true.

 

The first thing we need to understand is we lived with our Father in Heaven as his spirit children before we came to this earth.  In this premortal existence we could see that our Father in Heaven had a body of flesh and bones much like those we have now but it was glorified and perfected, perfect in every way.  As his spirit children we desired to be like him and he desired for us to be more like him and to have all the blessings he had.  Just like any good father would.  So he developed a plan for us to gain a physical body and to gain the physical experiences that would be necessary for us to gain the wisdom and knowledge that he had.  That plan led to his creation of the world we now live in.  You might ask, what is so important about having a physical body.  We needed to learn things that we could not so easily learn without a physical body.  Physical/Emotional things like Love, Joy, Sadness, and one thing that I particularly think is important which is Self-Control. These are important experiences that make us who we are as an individual.  So one of the things we came to this earth to do is learn how to love appropriately, experience joy and happiness while also experiencing sadness and learning to have faith in God.  We needed to learn to trust him without his physical presence.  We need to trust that he has a plan for us.  A plan that will prepare us to someday become like he is. 

 

In this premortal existence I spoke of we believe in what is referred to in the Book of Revelations as the war in heaven.  In reality we have learned through modern revelation that this war was really a disagreement on how to accomplish God’s plan for us to come to earth.  Satan and his followers wanted to have everyone come to earth and gain a physical body but they would not be subject to making choices and decisions.  There would be no testing of their character or their faith.  The other plan that was championed by Christ was to have everyone come to earth gain a physical body and then be allowed to make decisions and choices, and prove their faith and love for their Heavenly Father without him being there to hover over them.

 

There is one more important truth that we need to understand.  In the New Testament it records that Christ said to his apostles, whatsoever you should bind on earth should be bound in heaven.  I believe this is true especially in the marriage covenant.  This is something that has been lost to the ages.  In marriages throughout the world vows are made until death do us part.  In the Temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints marriage vows are made for time and eternity.  With a temple marriage the covenant does not end at death but goes on for Eternity.  We believe that with such a marriage children are sealed to you and your spouse for the eternities.  At the resurrection we will be joined together as families.  If heaven is supposed to be a place of joy and happiness I for one cannot imagine how I could be eternally happy without my family. 

 

Now what does all of this have to do with the death of Julie’s son. 

 

First, He had to gain a physical body so he had to come to the earth to have this happen.

Second, we believe that he was so righteous in the premortal existence that he did not need to go thru the trials and tribulations of life.  This means that he is one VERY SPECIAL son of our Father in Heaven. This also means that Julie and her husband have something to look forward to.  That is an Eternal relationship with this very special son of God.  I also believe that Julie and her husband knew in the premortal existence that this was going to happen.  But they chose along with the death of their son at birth because they had more of an eternal perspective than they do now. 

Third, this is a difficult thing.  I cannot imagine the agony.  But I know that in the midst of that agony is hope.  A hope for the eternities.   Sometimes we tend to look at life from a finite point of view rather than an eternal or infinite point of view.  We need to remember that God’s plan is an eternal plan not a finite plan.  We need to remember as it says in the bible “his ways are not our ways”.  In Psalms it says “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 

John, I want you to know that I know the things I have shared with you are true.  I know this not because someone taught them to me but because I have prayed and fasted to know if they were true and had the Holy Ghost bear witness to me in my heart and in my mind that they are true.  I only hope is that you and your family can find peace during this time of trial.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love you, sweet boy.

Worn

What a terrible, no good day.  I just want our son back.  




Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn