3 Months

Our precious Nathan,


You have officially been an angel for 3 months today.  Seriously?  How has it already been 3 months?  How have your dad and I made it this long without you?  I still find myself sitting alone sometimes wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare.  It has to be a nightmare.  How can somebody have a perfect pregnancy with a perfect baby then lose them after 38 weeks?  It baffles me.  Instead of cuddling with you this evening, we'll get home from work, make dinner, watch tv to pass the time, walk past your empty room, and go to bed.  Sigh.


How was Christmas in Heaven?  I bet there are no words to describe it.  You were definitely still included in Christmas down here by your family.  It just wasn't the same without you here.  Your cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all talked about you and you were not forgotten.  This made your dad and I very happy.  One day we'll celebrate Christmas together and I'm sure it will be amazing.


With the start of the new year, it brought the start of our journey to give you a little brother or sister.  If you are hanging out with them in Heaven, can you tell them we're ready to meet them?  I can't wait for the day when we have your little brother or sister in our arms and we can see all of your features in them.  Seeing their eyes will give us a glimpse into what your eyes were sure to have looked like.  I also think that having your little brother or sister will make this journey called life a little easier for us without you.  No, they will not replace you.  If anything, it will make us feel closer to you.  As the days pass, so do the amount of days since we've been able to hold you.  I could have stayed in that hospital forever with you. 


Continue to send your dad and I signs that you're alright.  I can't remember seeing so many ladybugs before you left us.  I read shortly after that ladybugs were a sign.  The night that we received your angel for the top of our Christmas tree, a ladybug crawled across the tv in the family room.  I'm sure that was you.  What made me so sure about it was when that ladybug continued to crawl across the ceiling and stopped right above your angel on the tree.  It stayed there the rest of the night.  Thank you for that.  I also saw a ladybug on Wednesday night after my support group.  You always know when I need a sign.


I had a dream with Great Grandpa Don in it.  He was sitting in his recliner that he used to always sit in.  He told me that you were there with him and that you were safe.  Never have I woken up crying, but that time I did.  I hope you continue to be safe in the arms of your Grandpa Tom and Great Grandpa Don. 


We love you to the moon and back, buddy.

Oh, January

I haven't posted much lately and that's because not much has been going on.  I'm still stuck on this roller coaster called grief, with some days being great while others are far from great.  I guess that's what I can expect from here on out, though.  There are some nights still where I don't sleep a wink, such as last night.  I just can't turn my mind off.  I'm constantly thinking about Nathan, if there was any way I could have prevented it from happening.  Upcoming costs with all of our IVF treatments keeps me awake too.  Consider yourself lucky if you don't have to spend $10,000 a try every time you want to have a baby.  Oh yeah, and there's no guarantee that you'll have one.  Because of this, I question God a lot.  Why are we dealing with this?  Did we do something to deserve all of this - infertility and our son dying?  Really?  None of it makes sense.  Why did God take Nathan and not me?  I know there's a plan, but as of right now, I'm not a fan.  Will God view us differently in Heaven because of the extreme pain we have to endure here on earth?  I'm not sure.

Also, I had a fear that Nathan would be forgotten after the holidays.  People don't mention him much and I'm not sure in what context people should mention him but it's starting to feel like he's fading from some peoples' thoughts.  Such is life I guess.  Everybody moves on but Chris and I are left with our grief.  Nobody else has an empty nursery that they have to walk by every night and baby gear hidden in extra closets and the basement.  Nobody else looks at pregnant people on the streets and think how naïve they are and that something can happen to their baby at ANY time during the 40 weeks. Nobody else has to figure out how to decorate a baby boy's grave, instead they're out buying clothes or planning for their future.

I just reread the two paragraphs above and had to laugh.  Wow, I sound miserable.  I'm not miserable, though, just different from who I was before Nathan died.  I definitely don't have the same tolerance for people that I had before.  I'm also a lot more anxious about little things.  I now know that EVERYTHING can go wrong and it's quite possible that it will.  I am grateful for what I have, but I'm ready for the last 2 shitty years to be a thing of the past.  Not Nathan, because if I had to go through what I did to see and hold Nathan again, I would in a heartbeat. 

Nothing new on the IVF front besides filling out the stack full of paperwork that's required, taking antibiotics that are required for Chris and I, figuring out the prices for all of my medication this time, and anxiously and nervously awaiting the start of my shots on January 25.  I'm nervous that this cycle won't work and I just don't know how much more heartache a girl can take. 

I'm officially down to my prepregnancy weight so things are great on that front.  12 weeks out, not too shabby.

Good thing it's JUANuary and The Bachelor just started.  Nothing like a ridiculous reality show to pass the weeks.

Also, it's negative 2 degrees here in Cincinnati today.  I don't do negative 2 degrees and neither does our dog, Sid.  Keep warm.

Beautiful Post

This woman's post describes it best.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/hed-born/

Praying for our rainbow, while not forgetting Nathan.  He will always be our oldest child.

Love you, buddy.

A New Year

It's official.  Today is the start of a new year for us.  I also started my birth control pills today so we're officially in our IVF cycle now.  As of today, I'm confident about this cycle.  For anybody who has gone through IVF, you know that your feelings change daily.  I may be confident today, scared the next day, and stressed the next.  You know why this cycle will work for us this time?  It's because we've been through hell and back in the past three months and it's our turn for some good luck.  It's also going to work because we have the best guardian angel.  We always ask Nathan if he can have a talk with the big man about blessing us with another child.  We're at the point where we NEED to give the love that we were going to give to Nathan here on earth to another child.  We were 100% prepared to raise a child here on earth, but unfortunately, it didn't happen as planned.  We have a beautiful nursery that is waiting for our next child.  We have sisters, brothers, and parents who are ready to share their love with the next Banner child.  It WILL happen.  It HAS to happen.

Since today is the official start of our IVF cycle, I am once again gluten free and sugar free.  Who knows if it had an impact last time, but it did work last time so there's no way I'm changing what I did.  I'm also alcohol free again (this one's the toughest since it helps with my anxiety and helps me relax).

We went and visited Nathan's grave today.  I still can't believe that our poor baby boy has a grave.  Our poor, sweet boy.

Here are some pictures from 2013, good and bad.

Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself

We Survived

Well we did it.  We survived Christmas.  It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears, but we're still here to talk about it so I consider that a win. 

We spent Christmas with Chris's family and it was very nice.  It's always good to see his family since we live 5 hours away.  Nathan was included in Christmas and even had his stocking full which made my heart want to burst.  Both of our families included Nathan which means so much to us.  We also received some Christmas cards from some of our friends that included Nathan which meant a lot to us as well.  He is our son after all.  Sometimes I do think that people forget that Chris is a father and I am a mother.  Hell, we have the hardest jobs as parents at this point.  Those sleepless nights and unruly kids are nothing compared to what we have to live with as parents each day. 

Next worry or day I'm not looking forward to is January 1, 2014.  One of my friends that I met through one of my support websites put it best.  She said that it feels like a year was stolen from them.  That it will feel like 2013 didn't even happen.  She and I both got pregnant at the beginning of 2013, had our babies grow inside of us, and then we both delivered our children without a heartbeat when they were full term.  This is so true.  Our whole 2013 revolved around Nathan and now it will be gone.  This is really hard for me to stomach.  I know that Nathan will always be with us, but 2013 was his year.  I had an interesting night thinking about this last night and let's just say that sleep did not come easy.

So, January 1 is also officially our start date for our IVF cycle.  I will be on birth control for ovary suppression from January 1- January 21.  On January 25, I start my shots.  I will be doing 20 units of Lupron in the morning and at night and also 4 vials of Bravelle at night.  This will continue until the 28th. I go in on January 29 for my ultrasound and bloodwork and then they will determine if we can continue with the cycle or not. This is the same exact protocol I was on in November of 2012 that created our great embryos so hopefully the same happens this time.  If you're the praying type, please, please pray for us.  We would really benefit from some good news this month.

I wonder what Christmas in Heaven is like

This song describes my feelings over the next 3 days best.  It's going to be hard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw&feature=youtu.be

Love you, buddy.