For a while after losing Nathan, I lost all faith in this life. I'm close to that point again. How can all these other people have babies but not us? How can people say that they don't want one or more of their children and feel ok about themselves? NEVER EVER would I feel that way about any of my children. If the doctors told us we were having quads, I would instantly love them all. Does it really take losses like ours to make us appreciate life that much more? I'm sick of it.
Or people that confident that their pregnancies are going to be successful, especially before confirmation from anatomy scans? Oh, to be naïve again. I guess since it happened to us, it won't happen to anybody else, right? Tell that to all my friends who I've come to know through child loss. Tell that to Billy Donovan, who along with 2 of the other staff for Florida basketball, ALL suffered stillbirths. Tell that to the girl I went to high school with who got pregnant twice and found out at the anatomy scan both times that the baby developed without a brain. Tell that to the girl in my support group, who at 25 weeks lost her twin girls, got pregnant again with twin girls, and lost one of them at 25 weeks. She has 1 out of her four daughters here on earth with her.
Obviously, I'm furious and I believe I have the right to be right now. We've spent over $30,000 (in the past 18 months) to try to have a child so far and we have nothing. We have a grave at a cemetery. That's it. We've put our lives on hold for over 2 years so that we could direct all of our efforts into bringing home a baby. We haven't brought home a baby. We haven't finished our basement or completed any of our backyard projects because we're spending all of our extra money on trying to have a baby to bring home. Chris and I are lucky that we both have good paying jobs because there's a lot of people in our situation that can't do IVFs because there's no way to fund it. I'm thankful for that, at least.
As for this pregnancy, my tests continue to get darker or should I say, lighter. The test line is to the point it can't get any darker so the control line continues to get lighter. Sick of the limbo.
As for this pregnancy, my tests continue to get darker or should I say, lighter. The test line is to the point it can't get any darker so the control line continues to get lighter. Sick of the limbo.
Nathan, I'm sorry you were too perfect for earth. It breaks my heart knowing how long I have to go without you, but we will be together again.
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