As a little background, my husband Chris and I got married in June of 2011. We knew right away that we wanted to start our family, but after a years worth of frustration, it was determined that the only chance of us getting pregnant was through IVF. Our first IVF cycle was unsuccessful, but we did have 2 frozen embryos to use later. Two months later, we transferred those embryos and much to our surprise, we got pregnant that month. This is where Nathan comes into the story.
We were excited, scared, nervous about the future but had great faith in our little one that was growing inside of me. It never occurred to me that that life would end before I ever got to meet them face to face. We had determined that we did not want to know the sex of the baby since the most important thing for us was that they were a healthy baby. And healthy they were. Every single appointment, baby danced around for us and had a great heartbeat. As we got closer to our due date (Oct. 23), and the appointments became more frequent, our excitement for our expanding family continued to grow at an exponential rate. On Wednesday, Oct. 9, I noticed that I hadn't felt the baby move for a while. This was not too surprising since they were super busy moving on Tuesday and sometimes had a slower day the next day. On Thursday, Oct. 10, to reassure myself, I made an appointment with our OB. I will never ever forget that appointment. They sat me down in the chair and put the doppler on my belly and there was nothing. Not a single sound. I will never forget that day because that is a day a part of my heart was ripped away, and I'll never be the same. To hear that your perfectly healthy baby (had an ultrasound just 2 days before) no longer had a heartbeat is incomparable to any other event that may happen in one's life. The life that was so safe in my stomach was not kept safe. I did not protect them.
That night, at 6:57 p.m., I delivered our perfect baby boy via c section. When they announced that he was a boy, my husband and I both lost it. Our miracle baby was lifeless, yet looked so peaceful. The reason for his passing was determined to be a cord accident. We spent 3 days at the hospital spending time with Nathan Christopher and our families and friends that wanted to meet our newest guardian angel.
It's only been 3 weeks, but not a day goes by where I don't relive the horror of that day. I also feel extreme guilt for 2 reasons- 1. I wasn't able to protect him and 2. My husband didn't get to bond with our sweet Nathan like I was. We buried our baby plus part of us on a rainy, Oct. 19. So many family members and friends showed up and we don't think they will ever understand how much it meant to us. Nathan will always be our firstborn, our first love, and our smallest guardian angel.
We are in the process of healing (although I know we'll never be fully healed) and looking towards the future and giving Nathan a little brother and sister. Unfortunately for us, that means we must go through the ups and downs of IVF again.
We are not replacing Nathan and never could imagine replacing him. He is safe in the arms of God and will look down over our family and his little brothers or sisters.
We will always love you, Nathan. You will always be our greatest miracle.
Hands
