35 Weeks Pregnant

14 days left
2 weeks left.

HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO MAKE IT?

I'm losing it and I'm starting to make Chris lose it, too.  I think it's getting worse, too, if that's even possible.  I need a constant non stress test to make me feel reassured, not one once a week for 20 minutes.  I need daily ultrasounds.  I need to be admitted into a psych unit soon.  I need the next 14 days to pass quickly.  I need this baby to reassure me with CONSTANT movement (poor guy).

Positive affirmation for the next two weeks:

All is well.
Everything is working out.
Out of this situation only good will come.
He is safe.

NST #3 and BPP #4

I had my third non stress test on Friday and baby passed with no issues.  This morning, we had our fourth biophysical profile ultrasound and everything was good with that as well.  Baby's fluid is still normal, breathing is normal, and movement is very normal.  So I'm glad that these appointments keep going well.

In other news, it's time for me to be put in a nut house for the next 2 weeks.  I am questioning EVERYTHING right now.  Yesterday, I didn't feel him move as much so I FREAKED.  It was to the point where I wouldn't talk to Chris, I was severely unhappy, and I just couldn't stop thinking about it.  It consumed my thoughts for the ENTIRE day.  I believe baby's feet were over his head as opposed to in my ribs, therefore I wasn't feeling the normal movements that I usually feel.  This morning is back to normal. After this morning's ultrasound, I swore to Chris that I saw the cord around the neck.  Looking back at the pictures that we got, I realized I didn't see anything.  God help me get through the next 2 weeks.

34 Weeks Pregnant (+ 1 Day)

20 days left.
3 weeks left.

Things are going well, aside from the occasional discomfort from my sciatica.  If that's my only complaint during the next three weeks, then I think we are good.  Chris and I have been enjoying this week with my family, which will help pass the days and keep my anxiety to a minimum.  We are extremely happy to be spending the time with family, but of course, we'll be missing Nathan.  We know that of all days to be a resident of Heaven, Christmas is one of the best and joyous so we are comforted by that.  We are also one holiday closer to being with him forever.

I hope everybody has a blessed Christmas and enjoys their time with family members that are here.

Merry Christmas, Nathan.  Another year celebrating Jesus' birthday with him, how lucky you are...

BPP #3

This baby continues to ace his tests each week.  His practice breathing was good, his fluid was at 19 cm, which is still good, and his movement is evident on the ultrasounds.  We even got to see him in 3D this week because he didn't have his hands and feet in front of his face for a split second.  It amazes me how much this 3D picture looks like Nathan's from about the same time. 22 more days!

NST #2

... and baby passed again.  They did pick up a couple of contractions on the monitor, which I didn't feel, so they did an internal just to make sure nothing was going on.  I'm not dilated and absolutely nothing's going on so we're good.  My doctor is still confident that we'll be delivering this baby at 37 weeks.  She described him as a "very happy baby" today, referring to all of his movement.  I'm glad he's having a good time!

Christmas Without You

33 Weeks Pregnant

4 weeks left.
28 days left.

My weeks are mixing together and I almost forgot that today I was 33 weeks.  I guess I'm that busy.  I have nothing new to report.  At this point, I'm living from kick to kick of this baby and am counting down the hours until he's here, safely.  I washed all of the bottles and the breast pump parts this weekend, since they've been sitting for over a year collecting dust.  I'm glad to have that over and I'm glad that my hand was the only body part that received burns in the process.  Chris returns from his last business trip tonight and I'm thrilled he's done traveling until after this babe arrives.

I saw this article this morning and it describes what I live for perfectly.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/12/holding-onto-heaven/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzRss&utm_campaign=stillstandingmagazine

Did I mention I don't sleep much at night? I'm exhausted by midday now, which is why these updates are short and to the point.

BPP #2

...and baby is 2/2.  Aside from being in a position that made it hard for the tech to get the measurements she needed, all is well.  Baby is now 5 lbs, measuring a week to 2 weeks ahead, and is in the 67th percentile.  He's practicing breathing, still moving around plenty, and his fluid is at 15, which is right in the middle of the range they look for.  I'm happy he's doing well and pray that he continues to grow at a decent rate so that he's a good size at 37 weeks!

29 days left, no biggie. ;)

NST #1

I had my first non stress test this morning for this babe. All was well and he even earned the nickname "wild child" by the staff.  So, as of right now, he's 2/2 on his tests and we're praying he remains perfect.  The only part of the appointment that was not enjoyable was when they brought me into the room where the test would be done.  It was the same room where they could not detect Nathan's heartbeat.  It was uncomfortable at first but as soon as they put the monitor on this babe and I could hear his little heartbeat thumping away, it made it bearable.  I'm sure I'll be nervous at every appointment that we have in that room until they put the monitor on my belly.  Overall, a good appointment and only 33 days left!

32 Weeks Pregnant

5 weeks left until we meet this babe.
35 days left.

 I cannot believe that there are only 35 days left.  I feel like I've been pregnant since losing Nathan so having only 35 days left is a relief.  I just pray that we continue to have no issues and that we really do get to bring home this little boy.  I finally cleaned out his walk-in closet this weekend, which was just filled with SO much stuff.  It is now organized and ready to go.  I'll wash his clothes the week or so before he arrives.  Everything else is still washed and ready from 14 months ago so we don't have much else to do.  We hadn't finalized our monitors when everything happened with Nathan so we finally ordered a video monitor and movement monitor this past weekend.  We still have an audio monitor that we received last pregnancy.  We're ALWAYS going to know what's going on with this baby when he's napping or sleeping.

My sciatica is feeling better thanks to a heating blanket in my chair (thanks, Mel!) and taking it easy after work.  It's really hard to describe the pain, except that it's all on my right side of my body and I feel like I'm 95 years old when I'm walking by the end of the day.  In no way is this a complaint, just an observation.

I just saw this article posted on Cincinnati.com this morning regarding the flu for this upcoming winter and limiting hospital visitors/house visitors.

http://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2014/12/09/local-hospitals-keep-germs-home-please/20135521/

Please understand that we expect all visitors to have flu shots and Tdap shots.  Also, if you have a runny nose or a cough of any sort, just maybe wait a couple of days before visiting.  Of course, we are looking forward to visitors at any time, we just don't want to have any more worry than we already will have when he's a newborn in winter. :)

Also, it'll be 14 months tomorrow since we lost Nathan.  How can it possibly have been that long already?  Miss you, buddy.

BPP #1

We had our first weekly ultrasound this morning to check for movement/flexing, practicing breathing, and fluid levels.  I'm happy to say baby passed and then some.  It took her a while to get the measurements for the growth portion because he wouldn't sit still and he also had the hiccups.  He's measuring a week ahead at 4.5 lbs.  They like to see fluid levels between 5-25 and his was 13 so that was good.  I go in on Thursday for a regular appointment and my first non-stress test.  Hopefully that goes well!  36 days.  I was happy to see that this baby has a lot of hair.  I would have expected nothing less!

31 Weeks Pregnant

6 weeks to go.
42 days to go.

And I'm super stressed at work.  I have two projects that need to go out by the 19th so things are a bit hectic, to say the least.

We had a good visit with Chris's family in Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving.  I was thankful for the break, but am ready to get through these last couple of weeks of this pregnancy.  The car ride home on Sunday has taken its toll on my body and my hips and back are paying for it now.  For that reason alone, I'm glad all of our decorations are up for Christmas already.

In other news, our end tables arrive today.  I am probably more excited about this than I should be, but I've been waiting for them for a month to arrive.  Who would have thought that I would have been excited about getting end tables for my birthday?  Speaking of which, my birthday is Thursday and I will be turning 29.  I was just 26 when I was diagnosed with my infertility.  I've since gone through 4 IVFs and will have 2 sons.  I've since lost my oldest son.  I've since lost 2 grandparents and 1 uncle.  I've since lost my family's first dog, Tammy.  I've since had a friend lose her son.  I've since had a miscarriage.  To describe the last 3 years as crappy is an understatement.  They haven't been all bad, though.  I've gotten pregnant 3 times, when doctors first told me I couldn't have kids with my own eggs.  I have a son up in Heaven who has made my fear of death completely disappear.  I have a son, who will arrive in 6 weeks, who gives his dad and I so much hope for our future with him.  The past couple of years have been challenging, but they have given me a new appreciation for life and understanding of God's plan for us.  Unfortunately, I think that through our experiences, Chris and I have a better relationship with each other and that we'll truly value our relationship with our children, no matter how many we end up having.  And yes, we'll probably be a little overprotective, but can you blame us?

30 Weeks Pregnant

7 weeks left.
49 days left.

We are getting so close that I'm almost letting myself get excited a little bit.  Just a little, though.  As we know, the wheels can fall off at any point so I will continue to remain guarded mostly until this little boy is here.

I had my 30 week appointment this week with no excitement.  I have made all of my appointments for the remainder of the pregnancy and I will start being seen twice a week beginning in two weeks at 32 weeks pregnant.  My doctor also gave me all of my files since Chris and I will be traveling this week for Thanksgiving and, God forbid, anything happens while we're out of the city.

As for this last weekend, I did some major work at our house.  I cleaned the house for the cleaning people (this drives Chris insane, but I come by it honestly), decorated for Christmas, and we painted the small portion of our deck that needed to be painted.  Thank goodness we had warm enough weather to get that done before the cold temperatures stay for good.

I'm starting to become uncomfortable.  The baby should be close to 4 lbs now and he likes to stretch out into my ribs, just like his big brother.  He's also pretty active at nighttime, making it hard for me to sleep throughout the night.  I'm sure when Nathan used to do that, I would get irritated but now I love it.  He better keep it up for the next 7 weeks! :)

As for Thanksgiving, Chris and I are again thankful this year.  Last year we were thankful that we became parents to Nathan and this year we are thankful that we've had a year to learn and grow since losing Nathan and we are BEYOND thankful that we were able to get pregnant again via IVF.  We miss Nathan terribly, but know he's looking over us and his brother.  Last year, I wrote about how when we put up our little boy angel on top of our Christmas tree that a ladybug hung out above it for a couple of hours.  Chris put the angel up last night and not even 30 minutes later, a ladybug crawls across the ceiling above the angel.  Thank God for signs, they keep our hope and memories of Nathan alive.  (And no, we don't have a bug infested house :) )

Thankful for you, our sweet angel Nathan.

29 Weeks Pregnant

8 weeks left.
56 days left.

We're getting there...

I got the results from my glucose test from last week and I passed that, which didn't come as a surprise to me.  With the holidays coming up, this made me happy so that I didn't have to completely restrict my holiday intake of food. I got my tdap shot on Thursday and got news that I didn't need another rhogam shot so I am good to go for the remainder of this pregnancy.  I also scheduled my csection for 7:30am on January 13.  I'm glad that my doctor was able to accommodate that date and I'm even happier that it's first thing in the morning.

I had a good weekend with Chris.  He travels so much for work now that I really appreciate our weekends together now.  On Friday, we went out to dinner and then went down to the Aronoff to see Once.  I absolutely loved it. On Saturday, we were successful in furniture shopping for new end tables and lamps for our family room and those get delivered the weekend following Thanksgiving. Finally, on Sunday we were able to just clean up around the house and went through all of Nathan's decorations for the year.  That boy has some serious decorations for the upcoming holidays.  We went to the cemetery and put up his Thanksgiving decorations and I went through his Christmas stuff to make sure it was not broken and we could still use it this year.

The only other thing that is going on is a lot of work.  I am so busy at work trying to meet some tight deadlines and getting financing closed and construction contracts signed before the end of the year on different projects that I am actually doing some work in the evenings and on the weekends.

Love you, Nathan.

The Worst

What a perfectly written article that was posted today.  There are no truer words.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/11/worse/

28 Weeks Pregnant

Third Trimester!  I breathed a sigh of relief, which only lasted a second, because then I remembered our past.

9 weeks to go.
63 days to go.

We had our monthly ultrasound this past Thursday.  Baby boy flipped and is head down (my bladder and cervix appreciate this).  He's measuring in the 63rd percentile and everything else is perfect. He was showing us how he can open and shut his mouth, but I really think he was telling me he's starving for some carbs!  I had my glucose test this morning and will find out the results later this week.  I scheduled my Tdap shot for Thursday morning.  I scheduled a normal appointment for Thanksgiving week, then I also scheduled my weekly visits, which start the week of December 8.  I will have a weekly ultrasound, non stress test, as well as an appointment with my OB.  I have a call in to the surgery scheduler to get my c-section on the schedule for January 13.

I'm ready for these next 9 weeks to fly by.  I pray that Nathan continues to keep his little brother safe until his birth.

Life

27 Weeks Pregnant

10 weeks left.
70 days to go.

We actually might make it (I'm afraid to say this out loud).

Nothing new this week.  I did clean out our closet (3 bags worth of clothes - I have a shopping problem).  I also started cleaning out the nursery closet.  I am in the process of putting all the girl clothes into a container that we can store, in case we have a girl in the future.  I was also able to make some room in the dresser by removing the girl headbands, receiving blankets, etc.  All of the boy clothes are hung in the closet, although I will not wash them until we are much, much closer to January 13.  Possibly the evening of January 12.  Not even kidding. We actually got a few new items of clothing for this baby boy this weekend.  We picked up a little brother onesie and this baby got the outfit with the bow tie from his Aunt Julie for Halloween.  Super cute.  I packed away all of my summer maternity clothes, because including maternity clothes, I now dominate our walk in closet as well as the oversized closet in our guest bedroom.  Too much stuff.

Baby is doing good, as far as I know.  We have our ultrasound this Thursday and I'm interested to see how he's positioned now.  I feel body parts all over so I'm not sure if he keeps switching or I just have no idea what body parts are poking out where.  He should weigh over 2.5 lbs this week, but we'll see how my diet is impacting his size.

Here's a picture of Nathan's grave from Halloween.  I'm sure he had a good one up in Heaven.

Miss you, buddy.

26 Weeks Pregnant

...and I'm still pregnant. I had my first serious meltdown Friday night when I was certain that this baby was no longer living.  I went to bed believing that we would have to go to L & D in the morning to deliver this baby, but thankfully I was awoken by somebody kicking. I wish I could be as confident as all the others posting pictures ALL over the internet about their bellies, but I'm realistic.  I'm not being burned again.  A picture here or there, maybe, but I'm not one for attention anyways.

11 weeks left.
77 days left.

One day at a time...

25 Weeks Pregnant

I'm back.  I skipped last week and I also haven't posted about Nathan's one year birthday yet, but it's in the works.  I'm finding it hard to come up with the words I'd like him to hear.  One year later and I'm still speechless.

Anyways,  25 weeks pregnant today.  84 days left.  12 weeks left.  I'm celebrating every time I hit a 0 in my countdown, which means my next celebration is at 80 days.  It's the small things.  Baby boy is doing well.  He's still breech so my bladder and cervix get quite the beating during the workday.  There are moments when my eyes start to water because he hits my bladder and I am unable to go to the bathroom at that moment due to a meeting or something else.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  I love every kick and punch.  Maybe this baby's not destined to hang out in my right ribs where Nathan spent a majority of his time.  My next ultrasound is in 2 weeks from Thursday then I have my glucose test the following Tuesday.  Since I'm following a low carb/high protein diet, I don't expect to have any problem with that test.

Aside from buying some clothes, I haven't done anything.  I keep avoiding the walk in closet.  There is so much stuff that was just thrown in there after we lost Nathan that I'm not really looking forward to sorting through it all.  Eventually I'll have to get organized again.  My goal is to have that all organized by Christmas since I'll be delivering 2.5 weeks after that.

A week from today would have been my due date with my last pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage back in March.  Crazy to think I would have been near the finish, but happy to be pregnant with this little boy.

Growth Ultrasound

We had our growth ultrasound this morning and baby boy is doing well.  My diet must be working as well because he's now around the 57% percentile and weighing in around 1 lb 6 oz currently.  I wonder if he'll be my normal sized baby?? Doctor is happy with how he's looking and measuring and my weight.  I still haven't gained more than a lb or so in the past 4 weeks.  During my ultrasound, I had the tech check my cervical length because I've been having dreams about it shortening and it turns out my dreams were completely wrong, my cervix is still BEYOND long.  Here's a picture from this morning's ultrasound.  Baby boy always has his hands by his face.

October 8, 2013

This day, last year, was the last time that Chris and I saw Nathan alive on an ultrasound.  He was big, but perfectly healthy and constantly moving as usual.  There was no indication that just two days later we would lose him forever.  Sigh...

Love you, baby boy.

23 Weeks Pregnant

14 weeks to go until we meet this baby.
98 days until we meet this baby.

We are FINALLY into the double digits for days!  Hooray!

This baby is finally starting to make his presence known.  Since I have an anterior placenta, I don't feel some of his kicks and punches, but if he's hanging out low then I feel EVERYTHING.  If he isn't hanging out low, I panic about not being able to feel him move.  The only thing worse than having an anterior placenta is having an anterior placenta after you've lost a child and the first sign was lack of movement.  Talk about crazy.  I'm hoping as he continues to get bigger that I'll be able to start feeling his movements up high so that I don't have a freak out every couple of days.  I put away the doppler once I started to feel him move so now I depend on his movement to keep me from losing it.

My monthly ultrasound is Thursday morning and I hope there's no surprises during it.  He was measuring close to the 90th percentile last ultrasound so it will be interesting to see if my change in diet had any impact on that.  I don't think it will since I just grow big babies, but who knows.  Hopefully we also catch him during one of his busy periods since for a majority of our ultrasounds, he's been sleeping.  That's where he differs from his big brother.  Nathan couldn't sit still during ultrasounds or ever, actually.

Nathan received a gift for his birthday in the mail from my friend, Jenn.  Very awesome.

October

Did you know that aside from being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, October is also Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month?  I found this article about how to honor your friend's child that they lost and I think it's pretty informative for those looking for ideas on how to honor their child.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/10/10-ways-honor-friends-child-died-october/

22 Weeks Pregnant

15 weeks left.
105 days left.

Over the past week, I've gone from the mindset that I wasn't going to do anything for this baby until they arrive to I'm going to do everything for this baby because this baby is coming home with us.  First on my list was emptying the bag from when we were in the hospital with Nathan.  Since Now I  Lay Me Down to Sleep was coming to take pictures, we had all of Nathan's onesies brought up so we could decide what to dress him in.  I went through the bag over the weekend and hung up all of his leftover onesies because now his baby brother will have the opportunity to wear them.  My mom and I also picked up a couple of sleepers and outfits over the weekend.  It's different with this pregnancy since we know the sex and can definitely get clothes ahead of time.

We had family from Pittsburgh in town over the weekend and it was good to hang out with them.  We went to a pumpkin patch (nieces are 5 and 2) and then we went to the Oktoberfest festival that's held up at our church and the girls were able to ride the rides.  The only downfall of the weekend is that since I was outside so much between those activities and coaching, is that my allergies are terrible.  It doesn't help that the temperature one day is 85 then 65 the next.  No bueno.

I feel like this baby has definitely grown over the past week or so.  Some of my tshirts that I wear to coach in are getting rather tight and should be interesting looking by the end of the season!  Let's hope that they will work for the remaining 4 weeks or so.

Nathan's birthday is 10 days away.  Chris and I both took vacation days for that Friday and plan to do some things, including a picnic up at the cemetery.  What a depressing way to spend a first birthday.  We're also ordering a cake and doing dinner.  It's important to us that we still celebrate his birthday, not only for Chris and I, but for his future siblings.  I've had some interesting dreams and nights lately.  I just have to remind myself that his birthday in Heaven is going to be a whole heck of lot better than it would be down here anyways.

Here's to the next 10 days being gentle on both Chris and I and the next 105 days flying by.

21 Weeks Pregnant

16 weeks until we meet this baby
112 days until we meet this baby

I had my normal biweekly appointment today with my doctor.  As of last week, I had lost a pound and this week, I weigh the same as last week.  In summary, the high protein, very low carb diet is working, I guess.  I have gained 9 lbs as of 21 weeks.  The peri's goal for me for this pregnancy is 20 lbs, so I have 19 weeks to only gain 11 lbs.  It will be a miracle if I hit that.  Remember, Nathan was just over 8 lbs at 38 weeks and that was when I had gained 30 lbs total.  This baby is measuring the same size as Nathan, which makes him 1 lb or over right now already.  If he were to gain 6 more pounds by the time I deliver at 37 weeks, that leaves only 5 other pounds to be gained.  If trying to stay near 20 lbs is my biggest issue this pregnancy, I'll happily take it.  Plus, it would be that much easier to lose the weight after this little one is born.

Other than that, no other updates. My stomach is measuring fine and the next thing up is my monthly ultrasound and appointment on October 9.  That date isn't sitting well with me since our last ultrasound with Nathan where he was happily bouncing around was last year on October 8.  With all of the bad news we received last year around that week, I'd rather not have an ultrasound that week, but it's a must.  Prayers that all goes smoothly for Chris and I that week and that this October turns out to be much better than last.

Speaking of October, today is the first day of fall.  With the fall comes the daily reminder that this is the season in which we lost Nathan last year.  Yes, I absolutely love fall but last year's fall just kind of ruined everything.  I'm hoping I can get past these feelings some day and be able to truly enjoy fall once again.

And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over

20 Weeks Pregnant

17 weeks from today, we'll meet this baby.

119 days from today, we'll meet this baby.

Those are the words I keep speaking each day.  We will meet this baby boy on January 13 and that is the day when our hope is renewed.  

There's nothing really new this week, except I am starting to feel this baby daily, which makes me happy.  Work is great, coaching 7 year old girls in soccer is both frustrating and fun, and Chris and I are finally doing some of the projects around the house that were put on hold when we were busy paying for 4 rounds of IVF.  We met with the guy who will be building our deck on Sunday morning and hopefully that is finished in the next 3 weeks or so.  One of the trees we planted after Nathan died also died so that's being replaced.  We told our landscaper a couple of months ago that the tree was dying, but she didn't seem to think so, but it did.  We also finally picked out some artwork for above our family room couch.  It took us close to 4 years to figure out what we wanted and what size would be necessary since our couch is long and our wall is even longer.  Like I said, not much going on with us this week.

The only baby items I have purchased are 2 winter hats.  Since this baby will be born in the middle of winter, it was important to me that I got them something that they would be able to wear home from the hospital and for the couple of times we'll leave the house during the winter.  I talked with a Viacord representative regarding our unused cord blood kit that we were supposed to use when Nathan was born.  Since we didn't use it, it's been sitting in our den, unopened for the past 12 months.  They were very understanding about what happened and were happy to help update all of our information so we could use the same kit.

I have already started with my biweekly appointments so I'll be able to update more after our 21 week appointment next Tuesday.

We're looking forward to having friends in town this weekend, enjoying a golf outing, and of course, partaking in Oktoberfest downtown.  For those of you who don't know, Cincinnati has the second biggest Oktoberfest celebration in the WORLD, behind Munich of course!

19 Weeks Pregnant, 11 Months for Nate

It's been a busy day for us today.  It is 11 months today since we lost and delivered Nathan.  11 months today when our world changed forever.  11 months ago today, I didn't have the same worries and fears that eat away at me that I do today.  You always have crazy dreams when you're pregnant but the dreams that I had with Nathan don't come close to the level of creepiness or scariness that the dreams I have daily right now.  I wake up each morning thankful that it was just a dream and not our current reality.  11 months ago today started the loneliest journey of our lives.  We are different people than we were 11 months ago, for better and for worse.

11 months ago today, I never imagined anybody, especially close friends, having to go through an experience similar to ours and yet, that's exactly what we're dealing with this week.  One of my close friends lost her 3.5 week old son this past Sunday, due to pertussis.  He fought it hard, but in the end, his little heart was just working too hard.  To know that someone else has to go through the pain that Chris and I went through kills me.  And unlike Chris and I, who really just collapsed upon ourselves when everything happened last October, they are unable to collapse.  See, this little boy has a twin sister.  Thankfully, she is doing good.  It'll be a long road for them, but like us, they will survive.  I remember the roller coaster of emotions I felt for the first 3 or so months after losing Nathan and it kills me that this is what they will be going through soon.  This little boy will be buried right to the right of Nathan and they will be able to play each and every day up in Heaven.  Again, it's times like these when you start to question God's plan, but we must remember that this is part of his plan and the end result will be beyond gratifying.   Keep our friends in your prayers, especially this Friday when they lay their sweet, baby boy to rest.  

Nathan, you have big responsibilities at just 11 months old in Heaven.  You must show Bastian how it's done up there and help him look over his family.

In other news, we had our Level 2 ultrasound today for our anatomy scan.  It was at a peri's office up at the hospital.  I was terrified.  Honestly, this morning I felt like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Besides this little boy being uncooperative, the scan went fantastic.  The doctor said everything looks perfect and he said the chances of anything happening again is so small.  He then laughed and said we're probably sick of hearing about statistics since we happened to fall on the bad end of them last time.  He only wants me to gain 20 lbs this pregnancy, which is going to be damn near impossible.  I gained 30 with Nathan, in which I was working out daily.  He wants 2/3 of my daily calories to be protein and the rest to be fat sprinkled with some carbs.  4 months of watching what I eat.  I didn't really understand his reasoning since I didn't have gestational diabetes with Nathan, I didn't gain too much weight, he said Nathan was a healthy weight, and he understands that I have a muscular build.  We'll see how this goes.  It's going to be hard, especially since Chris travels so much for work and he's the one who does the cooking.

I can't describe how thankful I am that this baby boy looks so good and I pray that it continues that way.  I am hoping that his big brother is keeping a close eye on everything and that we get to meet our rainbow come January 13.

18 Weeks Pregnant

19 weeks to go.
133 days to go.

I was really happy to see the weeks be down into the teens this week.  For some reason, teens sounds more doable at this point than any number in the 20s.

Nothing new to report, except that this baby must be going through a growth spurt, because I am exhausted.  I received a phone call from my doctor this morning letting me know that all of the other tests she ran last week came back negative, and my issue has stopped after a week on antibiotics (knock on wood).  Next thing up is our Level 2 Ultrasound which is next Wednesday and I am super anxious about that.  I just pray that this baby is healthy and that the placenta is still far away from my c-section scar.

17 Weeks Pregnant

20 weeks left.
140 days left.

I had a follow-up appointment today for my tan discharge issue that I had last week and still have every once in a while.  Dr. Schutte went over the results of my ultrasound and said my placenta looks good, is high, and anterior. My cervical length couldn't get any longer. Baby boy looked perfect.  She did another pelvic exam and took more samples to be tested for infections.

I tested positive for at least one bacterial infection, which I'm on antibiotics for now.  She said this may be causing my funky colored discharge, so I pray that this clears things up.  I should know the results of the others sometime next week.  She's not concerned at all.

My level 2 ultrasound is schedule for September 10 and then my next appointment is on September 11. Let's hope this issue gets resolved by that point in time so I can relax some.

Not much else is going on except for coaching and working right now and I'm definitely looking forward to a 3 day weekend with nothing to do.  I'm also excited to check another month off as we creep into September.  September just seems a lot closer to January than August does.  It also means we're a month away from Nathan's first birthday, which I don't like to think about.  You know what's harder than planning a first birthday party?  Planning something, anything, for a first birthday when that 1 year old doesn't even get to participate.

Safe Mark

I often get weird looks when I tell people there's nothing that I'm doing to prepare for this baby.  This article explains why I will not be doing anything to prepare for this little boy's arrival.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/08/life-begin/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzRss&utm_campaign=stillstandingmagazine

16 Weeks Pregnant

21 weeks to go.
146 days to go.

I've had an exciting week this past week.  On Friday, while I was still in DC for work, I woke up to some brown discharge.  I hadn't packed my doppler so I walked the 2 blocks to GWU ER.  They didn't quite understand why I was there for brown discharge, but once I told them about our history, they understood.  Everything came back normal, no infections of any sort, and baby is doing perfect.  They were measuring a week ahead (no surprise there) and the pelvic exam didn't show any blood of any sort and my cervix was nice and high and closed.

I've continued to have some of this brown discharge in varying amounts since Friday.  On Monday, I was able to get into one of the doctors at my OB and again, they saw nothing out of the ordinary.  Chris made the doctor repeat to me that I have nothing to worry about and that this pregnancy is going perfectly.  They also sent me for an ultrasound just so they had it for their records.  Again, baby measured a couple days ahead and my cervix is super long and my placenta is nowhere near my cervix, so again they're unsure why I'm having brown discharge, but everything looks perfect.  My doppler has been really helpful this week in reassuring me that everything's ok, since I can easily find their heartbeat and it's pretty consistent, right around 150 bpm.

In other news, there was no question that this baby is definitely a BOY.  I'm actually really glad we have the opportunity to have another son and we'll be able to get a better idea of what Nathan would have been like!

Pray that this brown discharge goes away and I don't go insane soon!

15 Weeks Pregnant

22 more weeks to go.

After getting back from our wonderful vacation in Kiawah on Saturday, I flew out to DC for the week on Sunday.  It's the first week I've spent alone since losing Nathan and it's tough. I love walking around this city but there's nothing lonelier than a hotel room.  I was listening to music tonight and came across a song that I love and reminds me of Nate. Chris and I always listened to Brett Eldrege whole getting the house ready for our baby so now all of his songs are extra special to us. I never listened to the words of this song until after Nathan died and goodness, it makes me miss him so much.

http://youtu.be/8O3C6yf0FaI

Happy 10 months, my beautiful son.

Small Rant

I'm not a fan when pregnant women refer to their unborn babies as angels.  I also don't like when people say to pregnant people, "I can't wait to meet your angel."  Sorry, but if your baby is alive and well, they're not an angel.  Nathan, he's an angel.  As much as I'm thankful that he's an angel, I wish more than anything that he was here instead.  So before you go off and start referring to your unborn baby as an angel, think of those that actually had to go through labor and birth to deliver actual angels.

NOTE: This is not directed towards anyone at all.  I just see it online a lot.

And yes, I am bitter.

Always Ours

13 Weeks Pregnant

We've reached the second trimester and that means we've hit another milestone. I've been super busy the past week with work, coaching, and getting ready for next week's vacation so I don't really have any updates.

The good news about being so busy is that time is starting to move faster.  I will be coaching 8 year old girls this fall and our practices start tonight.  We'll be on vacation next week and then the following week I'll be travelling to DC for a finance seminar.  When I get back from DC, the soccer season will be beginning, which will keep be busy through the end of October.  I'm looking forward to the distraction and I really do enjoy coaching this age group.

We'll miss Nathan next week on vacation, especially since it's something we were looking forward to doing with him.  I'm hoping he makes it apparent that he is there, but we'll see.

Baby is still doing good and it's extremely easy to find their heartbeat now since they are getting bigger. I thought I would make it through the summer with only being able to use my belly band and my normal pants for work, but that doesn't seem to be the case this time around.  I've been wearing a lot of dresses and just yesterday, brought out my black pants that I wore while pregnant with Nathan.  I've been looking for maternity clothes the past week that I can wear to work that are cute and don't make me look older than I am, but I'm finding it hard.  The search will continue and so will my complaining about ugly clothes. :)

First OB Appointment

We had our first OB appointment yesterday and it went great.  It took the nurse about 2 minutes to find the heartbeat, but once I told her where to look, she found it easily.  Just enough time to freak me out.  It would be better if they just let me find the heartbeat at each appointment!  Heart rate was 165 so baby's still doing good.  Dr. Schutte wrote in my file that I don't have to see any other doctor, except her, which is a relief because they usually make you rotate, which isn't bad, but I really don't want to have an appointment with the doctor who made us run around the day that we lost Nathan.  We also marked January 13th as the day that this baby will be delivered, which is 37 weeks exactly.  She first mentioned 39 weeks, which I laughed at, and then she said ok, 37 weeks.  She marked in her calendar that she can't be out of town in January due to this birth, which makes me feel so good about having her do our delivery again.

So, there will be a couple different changes with my care this pregnancy compared to Nathan's, which is to be expected.  1) Our scan at 20 weeks will be a Level 2 ultrasound and not just your basic anatomy scan.  She said there's no reason for it, since Nathan's issue was his cord, but Nathan's death gives us an excuse to go ahead and do this one.  2) Starting at 28 or 32 weeks, I'll have two appointments a week.  One will be an ultrasound and one will be a non-stress test.  The more, the merrier.

5 months 20 days and 22 hours until the morning of January 13th.

12 Weeks Pregnant

According to 1/3 of the books out there, I'm in the second trimester now since I'm officially in my 13th week of pregnancy.  I'll officially count myself in the second trimester after I hit 14 weeks.  I am pretty exhausted this week but I think that has more to do with the fact that I had 19 hours of coaching classes this weekend, not the pregnancy. Basically, I didn't have a weekend.  We leave for vacation in 10 days and I'm in desperate need of just relaxing and not thinking about work or soccer for a week.

You'd think I'd have a lot of exciting things to mention since we've made it this far, but I've got nothing.  I have my first OB appointment today, which should be the general weight, pee in a cup, and listen for heartbeat appointment.  I checked the baby's heartbeat this morning so I know they're still there so I'm not worried.  Since my uterus has also done this once already, things are shifting up and out a lot quicker this time.  When I wake up in the morning, I know exactly where baby is laying since it looks like I have a large egg poking out just below and to the side of my bellybutton.

I read this article this morning about dealing with others' babies after losing your own and it pretty much describes the last 9.5 months for me.  I'm not posting this article right now for any particular reason, just that it popped up on my news feed this morning.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/07/im-sorry-cant-like-baby/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzRss&utm_campaign=stillstandingmagazine

I Lied

I had a coaching class all weekend to receive my E License for soccer and I lied the entire time I was there.  They require all the coaches to participate in the drills and scrimmages when it's not their turn to run the session.  Obviously, due to this pregnancy, I just had to stand and watch.  Everybody figured it out that I was pregnant.  A lot of people asked if it was my first and would reply, "no, my second."  They would ask how old my first was and I would reply, "9.5 months."  Then they would all state that my husband and I must be pretty crazy to have our two children so close together and I would laugh and say, "oh yeah, we're crazy for sure."  It was talked about ALL weekend.  They were so impressed that I was able to get away from my son for so long and that my husband would actually watch him.  I continued to lie because 1) it felt good acting like Nathan was here and 2) I'll never see these people again.  Little did those people know that instead of going home to my son after it was over, I was actually visiting his grave.  Sigh.

What the?

I just saw on my pregnancy ticker that as of tomorrow, I have 200 days until my due date.  I will be delivering 3 weeks early so that number is closer to 180, but still.... how the hell am I supposed to make it until then?  There's not a day that goes by where I don't wonder if my baby still has a heartbeat.  Also, with all of the genetic testing they do now around 12 weeks, I keep hearing people bringing up statistics about downs syndrome or another trisomy.  I'm not a fan of the testing, and especially after I read that a girl from one of my due date groups online terminated her pregnancy just shy of 15 weeks because it was determined that her daughter had downs syndrome.  Really, people?  Who gave us the right to play God?  All of this combined has made me seriously stressed this week.  At this point, if I make it to 37 weeks without being institutionalized, I'll be surprised.

I'm going to count the number of books I read during this pregnancy, because it's the one thing that helps me keep my mind off of everything.  I've finished 13 books so far.  Impressive? Yes. Crazy? Most definitely.

2 weeks until this..

11 Weeks Pregnant

Today marks 11 weeks and for the past week, I've felt like a new person.  I'm glad to be past the point of falling asleep right after dinner and not being able to eat meat.  My appetite has picked up, though.  My first OB appointment is a week from today and I don't expect much excitement there.  I allow myself to use the doppler once a week and I was able to find the baby easily this morning so that's reassuring.

Nathan's first YOUNGER cousin was born this past weekend.  His name's Jackson and coincidentally, he weighed in at the exact same weight as Nathan.  Also, last week at our ultrasound, the doctor kept mentioning how the baby looked like an angel in the ultrasound due to a circle above their head (the circle was normal, whatever it was).  This doctor doesn't know much about our history, but of course, Chris mentioned it later as being odd.

I'm not one to wish the summer away, but if we could get through the rest of July quickly, and then the second half of August, I'll feel much better once I get to feel this baby move around.

9 Months

Baby Nate,

It's been another month already since we last got to hold you and be together as a family. I laid in bed last night seeing if I could still picture what you felt like and how you had the softest cheeks and the perfect little nose.  It made me happy that when I closed my eyes to picture this, I could still see you and feel you.  I hope I never lose that ability. Honestly, I'm terrified of losing it because that's one of the last ways we stay connected to you.

As you already know (since I assume you were the first to know), you're going to be a big brother in January. There won't be a day that goes by that we don't talk about you to your little brother or sister.  They won't have the opportunity of ever knowing you here on earth, but I know that you'll be with them always.  What a great surprise they'll have in 100+ years, when you greet them at Heaven's gates.  Not every family is so lucky to have a guardian angel like we have.

I'm glad you were up in Heaven with Great grandpa Don to celebrate his two years in Heaven this last month.  The love that he had for his family was so unending that I know that you have his undivided attention up there.  We miss him down here so much, but I'm glad he's with you.  God works in mysterious ways and not many little boys like you already have so many important people with them in Heaven. Your cousin Allie said that you're an angel up there, as well as great grandpa, Tammy, and Chingy.

Continue to watch over your little brother or sister so that they arrive safely to us.

We miss you so much.

Soar high, baby boy.

Gender Dilemma

I keep having an internal dilemma about whether or not we'll find out the gender of this baby. On one hand, it would give us something to do the last 17 weeks of the pregnancy as we prepare for the little boy or little girl.  On another hand, I'm terrified of how I'm going to react once I know the gender. I, of course, would love to have a little boy that reminded me of Nathan.  Along with that would come a constant reminder of what Nathan would have looked like or would be doing.  I would also love to have a little girl, but then I wouldn't have the reminders of what a little boy would look like in our family.  Since another child after this baby isn't guaranteed with our infertility, I'm really conflicted. I would almost rather wait until delivery to find out the gender because then I wouldn't have those thoughts in my head immediately because I would be so focused on having a breathing baby with us.  I follow this group on facebook called 'Pregnancy after Loss Support' and they actually have great articles and blogs from other women who have gone and experienced the same thing.  It makes me feel better that my feelings are 100% normal.  Here's a link to a story about a woman finding out the gender of her rainbow.

http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/wanting-a-girl-after-losing-a-boy/

Graduation Day

We had our 10 week ultrasound today with our Reproductive Endocrinologist.  Everything looked great.  The baby was measuring at 10 weeks and had a heart rate of 170 bpm. Baby was pretty calm when they started the ultrasound, but ended the ultrasound moving their arms and legs all around.  With all that, we officially graduated.  Some people miss being with those doctors, but I am the opposite.  I love the doctors there, but I want to be a normal, pregnant person, which I am one again! I enjoy the once a month appointments where you pee in a cup and they check the heartbeat and measure the stomach and that's it.  I'm happy to be there again. I'm thankful for everything that IRH has done for us and I'm extremely thankful that we have graduated not once, but twice in 24 months.  They truly are miracle workers there.

I'll set up my first appointment with Dr. Schutte (who delivered Nathan) either at 12 or 13 weeks.  I'm not too worried about getting into her, but I will want to see her before vacation.  We'll be forgoing the NT scan and genetic testing at 12-13 weeks because it just isn't important to us.  The only reason I would like to do it is to find out the sex, but if we do find out the sex, I'll wait until 20 weeks.

Not to be outdone or forgotten, we visited Nathan before our trip up to Pittsburgh over the weekend. We put up decorations for the Fourth of July, which hopefully haven't been taken down yet.  I still constantly wonder what it would be like to have Nathan here and another one on the way.  Sigh.

Everything's OK

I'm Back

*Disclaimer - I will write (not right - edited for my terrible grammar) about my feelings in this blog, so if you think you may be offended, you may not want to continue.

I'm back!

I took a little break, but am officially back to blogging.  I'm 9 weeks pregnant and feeling great and looking huge. I'm assuming my upper abs never came back together completely so that's the reason for the early bump, which appears by noon every day. We had a work party on Friday night and everyone (who didn't already assume) discovered we were expecting again. Two things gave it away.  1) I wasn't partaking in the drinking. 2) By the time I get home from work in the evenings, I feel and look like a beached whale.  I wasn't sure how I felt about people knowing at this point, but I guess it's okay.  I used my Angelsounds fetal doppler on Tuesday when I was 9 weeks exactly and was able to pick up the heartbeat.  I upgraded my doppler to a sonoline b that actually shows the heart rate reading and I used it this morning before our trip up to Pittsburgh for the holiday weekend.  Baby had moved but I found them and they had a heart rate of 180 bpm, which is perfect for 9 weeks.  Thank God.

I can't stand eating meat right now. Chicken especially grosses me out so I'm looking forward to getting over this period so I can start eating it again, regularly. Aside from that, not many symptoms. I'm happy with that.

I still get conflicting feelings about this pregnancy daily.  It's hard for me to be excited about it when I still think of Nathan when I wake up and go to bed. In a perfect world, I would be pregnant right now with this baby and have our 9 month old son here with us as well.

I still get a kick out of it when people complain about their pregnancies or children's issues.  If they only knew..

Miss you, Nathan.

Blog

You are my world, Nathan.

Announcing

For those of you that we know who read this blog, we'd appreciate if you kept our news to yourselves for the time being. It's still a really fragile time for us and the last thing we need is for random people, who we did not share the news with, congratulating us when there's still so much uncertainty. *** This post was not directed at anyone and was not intended to hurt people's feelings. Sorry if your feelings got hurt. This is not a mean post, either. Just asking for our news to be kept quiet, considering our past history. ***

7 Weeks Pregnant

I'm officially still pregnant! We had our first ultrasound this morning and the baby measured 7 weeks exactly and had a strong heartbeat.  What a relief, although temporary. If I wasn't so shocked that the baby had a heartbeat, I imagine I would have cried.  Our doctor said everything looked good, that I could stop my progesterone if I wanted, and that they'll see us one last time in 3 weeks (10 weeks) before we officially graduate from their office and onto our normal OB.  Thank God for this baby and second chances.

As far as how I'm feeling, my symptoms are still pretty mild.  As we speak, I could take a nap, but I had a rather large lunch so I'm pretty sure that's the reason for that. I slept a majority of the day Sunday, which was great. If I recall correctly, I only had one bad week with Nathan in the first trimester and that was week 9, so I might as well enjoy feeling this good right now.

7 weeks down, 30 to go.

Love you, Nate.

1st Scan Eve

With Nathan's pregnancy, I was so excited for my first scan.  This time around, I'm the exact opposite. Considering the last two ultrasounds I've had (while pregnant) were the one that confirmed my latest miscarriage and then the one before that which should Nathan without a beating heart, I'm scared shitless of this one.  Again, I'm not having any constant symptoms, and even though I was like this with Nathan, it worries me now. I hope I can relax more after tomorrow's scan.  It'll be one step closer to meeting a baby that is alive.

I feel like, sometimes, this pregnancy overshadows the fact that Nathan died a mere 8 months ago. I didn't like talking about newborns then and I don't like talking about newborns now. I wasn't comfortable around newborns then and I'm not comfortable around newborns now. Hell, I'm not going to be completely comfortable around my own newborn. The reason I am uncomfortable around newborns is because that's the only way Chris and I knew Nathan. He was a newborn and he'll always be a newborn to us. I know that people don't really understand our reasoning, since they've never experienced the loss of their newborn, but unfortunately, it's the truth and it's how things are these days. Even though the topic has been brought up a lot at our support group, I never really experienced it until I became pregnant again, and I mean from everyone, especially those not as familiar with the situation. If people want to get upset over how I'm acting because I might hurt someone else's feeling, I don't care.  This grieving process is about Chris and I and nobody else. Until your baby dies, you won't understand and I don't blame you.

Also, this blog has had over 11,000 views in less than 8 months.  If you're dealing with a loss of a child or infertility, I hope reading someone else's journey has helped in your grieving or healing process.

Truth

6 Weeks Pregnant

I hit 6 weeks yesterday, which is another tiny, tiny milestone for us. Actually, at this point, every day is a milestone.

I'm feeling pretty good with the occasional nausea and the occasional fatigue.  I wish there was a constant symptom that would continue to reassure me but I doubt that will happen since I don't remember it happening in my pregnancy with Nathan. Our scan is 6 days away and it still feels like its light years away.

I will say that pregnancy after loss is definitely no cake walk. My anxiety keeps me on my toes each day and I continue to expect the worse.  Why wouldn't I be anxious? I had a perfect pregnancy with perfect scans and appointments and lost my perfectly healthy son a mere 13 days before my due date. There's no safe point in any pregnancy. I wish more people realized this.

8 Months

Sweet baby Nathan,

Happy 8 months to you in Heaven. It's comforting to think that you are in the most wonderful place imaginable and know no pain or fears. While it's comforting to know that, it's also still depressing. You should be down here with us and celebrating all of the milestones that should have occurred during your first year on earth. We look forward to the day when we can celebrate them with you in Heaven.

It's Father's Day this weekend, so it's another weekend we're not looking forward to much. I think it'll be an extra tough one on your dad this year since he has to spend Father's Day each year without his dad and now he also has to spend it without his son. Be sure to give your Grandpa Tom an extra hug this weekend for your dad. He always talks about how your grandpa is taking care of you up in Heaven just like he took care of your dad down here on earth.

It's hard for me to describe to you how much your dad loves you. There's not many dads who would take a bucket and some water up to the cemetery so that they could clean the surface of a grave.  He even took some clippers up so that he could cut back the grass around it so that it would never again grow over your stone. With every thing he does, he includes you.  He proudly talks about you to his new coworkers, not afraid of how they'll react when he tells them that his son died 8 months ago now.  When he goes camping, he includes you by taking a match holder with your name on it. He never leaves you behind. I wish I could have watched you grow up with your dad down here.

Know that we love you, sweet baby, and you are always on our minds and in our hearts.

Fly high, baby boy, fly high.

March for Babies - Pittsburgh

We were in Pittsburgh this weekend with Chris's family for the March of Dimes walk in memory of Nathan. I didn't walk since I'm on an exercise restriction so it was a whole lot of waiting around, which made me extra tired. We're thankful for all of those who came out and showed their support.

I'm still up in the air on whether or not we'll do the walk next year.  Sometimes, it's just hard for me to imagine all of these babies being born sick up to 16 weeks early and surviving, while my baby was perfectly healthy at 38 weeks and didn't make it.  I'm obviously happy that all of those babies make it, just unhappy that mine didn't and should have.

Did I mention that I've been crabby the past couple of weeks?

When we were driving down to the walk yesterday, we were on the highway and a ladybug landed on our windshield.  Totally random and exactly what I needed.  Thank you, Nathan.  We miss you.

What's Your Story?

5 Weeks Pregnant

One week down, 32 weeks to go! 

Today marks 5 weeks for me and means I'm one week closer to having a successful pregnancy. I don't find myself getting attached to this pregnancy yet and I think it will be hard for me until we see a heart beating. We have 14 days until our ultrasound and it seems like an eternity. I am setting little milestones, though, which helps pass the time.  This past Sunday would have been the same day that I started my spotting with Nathan so it felt good to get through that day without any spotting.  I'm sure I spotted with him at that time because I was still on 2 progesterone suppositories a day, which I think irritated my cervix.  I am already down to 1 progesterone suppository so I think that may help with me not spotting.  Knock on wood.  My next milestone will be Thursday.  Last cycle, on Thursday, was when I started bleeding and was the beginning of my 1.5 week long miscarriage.  If I can get through Thursday with no bleeding, I will feel a little bit better.  It might seem strange that I'm setting such tiny goals for myself, but it's doing things like this that will help me get through each day. When you've suffered a miscarriage and stillbirth, you'll do whatever you have to do to get through a pregnancy without going insane or having to be institutionalized (which could still very well happen).

As for symptoms, they come and go at this point. They are:

1. Random nausea - I have it more this time around then I had with Nathan, but most of the time it happens when I'm hot or hungry. It was also winter/spring during my first trimester with Nathan and it is now summer so the heat may not help.
2. Sore chest - again, this just happens randomly.
3. Tired - this may be due to the fact that I was sleeping about 4 hours a night for a week and a half worrying about my blood test, but I'm making up for it now. Last night I was in bed at 8 and I had every intention of watching The Bachelorette, but fell asleep by 8:30.

So, nothing really exciting at this point.

Love you, baby boy. 

Beta

Well, I got the call back with my beta results at 11am this morning, which is the earliest they've ever called.  So, our RE likes to see a minimum of 100 of this day, I had a minimum of 450 in my head that I would be okay with if it was, in fact, positive.  My number is 1,163 so I am really pregnant! I have never been more relieved in my life. The doctor was so happy with my number that no further bloodwork is needed and I have my first ultrasound on June 17, when I'll be 7 weeks exactly!

I continue to pray to God and Nathan that we'll be able to meet this new blessing on or before their due date of February 3.

I am pregnant again, I really am.  4 weeks, 3 days pregnant to be exact, but who's counting?

God is good.

1 Day Left

This has seriously been the longest two weeks of my life. Can time pass any slower? I go in tomorrow morning at 8:30 to get my blood drawn but I won't have results until 3 or 4 in the afternoon.  Talk about another long wait.  I am a big ball of emotions right now. You never know which one you're going to experience.  Excitement? Nervousness? Dreadful? I go through each emotion several times a day. It's taking its toll on me and I haven't slept past 4:30am all week. In turn, I am EXHAUSTED. I want an answer one way or another and I want a good answer, not some low beta if it turns out to be positive tomorrow.

I've visited Nathan's grave several times in the past two weeks praying to him and God to provide. It would start out as praying and end as begging and pleading. I seriously don't know how much heartache I can take before it pushes me over the edge.

Positive thoughts for tomorrow.

Anxiety

The end of my two week wait is just 3 days away and anxiety is definitely getting the best of me. This wait is unfortunately worse than last cycle's wait due to suffering a miscarriage.  I guess that's to be expected when you suffer a chemical pregnancy, a stillbirth, and a miscarriage all within 15 months. Keep the prayers coming.

PUPO

I am officially PUPO, pregnant until proven otherwise. I guess that was some infertile's attempt at humoring others going through the process. We had two put back in yesterday that were obviously the leaders of the pack, which is why they put them back in on Day 3. Dr. S said that we are 1/1 so far on getting pregnant since Nathan and he plans on staying perfect. He did say that I have the  best looking uterus and easiest transfers that he's ever done. Way to go cervix and uterus! Beta is on May 30 so pray that these embryos keep dividing, expanding, hatching, and eventually implanting so that we can meet them face to face in January! We need you babies. You can do it!

Updates

I just thought I'd update since I haven't been around much lately.

1. I've also been having some pain since the retrieval on Tuesday, but that is starting to subside, thank goodness. My ovaries were so tender that it was affecting me while sitting up, walking, and going to the bathroom.

2. The retrieval itself went extremely well. They must have upped the anesthesia because I was nauseous for the remainder of the day and slept a majority of the day.  Anesthesia has always made me sick to my stomach, which made my c-section back in October really interesting.

3. I was totally shocked that 6 out of the 7 fertilized. I had the number 3 in my head just so I didn't end up disappointed. The nurse laughed at my reaction when she told me that 6 fertilized and were growing.  I'm sure they get that a lot there. I am so THANKFUL that we have 6 embryos growing in the lab and I hope I am able to give an opportunity to as many of those embryos as possible, either now, or in a few years.

4. I am officially done with shots for this round and I couldn't be happier. The only thing that I have left is to take 2 pills a day until Monday (to make sure the uterus doesn't attack the embryo) and my progesterone suppository.  The things I do to try to get pregnant.

5. I am praying my ass off for the 6 embryos. Seriously. I pray, go to bed, wake up to pee, pray, fall back asleep, wake up, pray, go back to sleep, wake up, pray, go to work, go to church during lunch, pray.  I have never NEEDED something so bad in my life. Nathan's death left a void in our life and although a new baby or babies won't replace him, we'll be able to show our love to something here on earth and not just in Heaven.

6. My transfer is scheduled for tomorrow and I'm secretly (or not secretly) hoping that it gets moved back to Sunday for a 5 day transfer.  Again, praying my ass off.

7. I am terrified and nervous about the remainder of the process. Any prayers that you can offer, we'd appreciate them.

Fertilization Report

6 out of 7 fertilized. Thank God! Transfer is scheduled for Friday but if all are doing well on Friday morning, they'll push back the transfer to Sunday. Keep the prayers coming. We can never got enough.

7 eggs

They retrieved 7 eggs this morning and I hope at least 4 fertilize. I am sore, bleeding, and nauseous. Pray for a good fertilization report tomorrow morning.

Prayers Please!

We have our egg retrieval tomorrow morning.  Pray for: 1) good eggs 2) good fertilization 3) strong embryos!

Mother's Day

7 months

Baby Nate,

Today makes it 7 months since you've been here with us. 7 months without you down, an unknown number to go. Some of my friends from my October due date group are posting about their babies being mobile now, I would have loved to experience that with you. Someday, I guess. 

This weekend is also Mother's Day. Because of you, Nathan, I became a mother. It is the single most important thing that has happened to me in this life. I know it is overshadowed often by your death, but I hope you know I am so happy to be called your mom. I will ALWAYS be your mom, no matter what, and you will ALWAYS be my son. I'm thankful for the time I was able to carry you, the time when we would joke about how active of a child you would be because I always had an obvious foot or two pressing out near my ribs. You would respond to my pressing on your feet by pressing out even harder. I'm sure you would have been a stubborn child as well. I would do anything to deal with all of that now. 

Nathan, everything I do, I do for you. It's always been all for you and it will always be for you. Although I can't carry you in my arms anymore, I will ALWAYS carry you in my heart. Always.

Fly high, baby boy and I love you. Always.

IVF 2.2

I'm in the middle of my shots now and had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  Everything looked good so we'll have another appointment on Friday and then retrieval will be on Monday, most likely.  I haven't been updating much because the Lupron is making me extra tired this time so I just don't have the energy to update. Pray for us over the next couple of days for continued progress and a successful retrieval on Monday.

For a Friend...

It is 6 months today since a friend of mine lost her sweet baby girl in November and the quote below definitely made me think of days like today.