IVF Day 7 - Appointment Update

So, I went in for my second scan this morning.  Chris and I were ready to argue with whoever we had to so that we could go through with this IVF.  Well, Dr. A didn't even consider switching to an IUI.  He said I'm having good growth, uterus looks perfect, and that we can't expect more eggs than this in any cycle from here on out because of my non existent AMH.  So my retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday.  Bring on the Valium.  Dr. A thinks that they'll get anywhere from 3-6 eggs.  He's also confident about success sometime in our future because of our success with Nathan.  He doesn't go by numbers, he said, he instead goes by previous success.  I'm glad he's a believer in my eggs being good once they are retrieved. :)

Just a side story.  As I was sitting getting my bloodwork this morning before my scan, I was looking around.  I wasn't sure if I was going to cry or laugh when I turned to my immediate left and there was a ladybug keychain hanging from a hook right by my head.  Seriously?  I wish I could have enjoyed Nathan here on earth but he sure is making his presence known now.  Thank you, sweet boy.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

Well, It's Something I Guess

I had my first ultrasound this morning to check on the development of my follicles.  It could have went better, could have went worse... I guess.

Right Ovary

3 follicles at 10 mm each

A couple behind that

Left Ovary

2 follicles at 14 mm each

A couple under 10 mm

Uterus

9.6mm - perfect

Well at least my uterus cooperates!  So knowing what we know now, there's a possibility that if we continued with IVF they would only get 2-5 eggs, which is far from great.  They gave us 3 options: cancelling the cycle, converting to an IUI, or staying course with the IVF even though there's a good possibility nothing would be viable.  We have to decide by Friday, which is our next appointment.  I just don't know.  I'm angry that we even have to make this decision.  IUI would be OK for most couples but for some reason, my left tube is blocked so the 2 great follicles wouldn't even have a chance.  I've read a lot of IVF success stories with only 2 or 3 follicles, which makes me want to continue with the IVF.  It's a lot of money for a tiny chance, but it's better than no chance.  I just don't know.

I wish we didn't have to make this decision.  I wish things were easier.

Uncomfortable

I am rather uncomfortable today.  I feel like my ovaries are going to explode.  I hope they don't.  I don't remember feeling this way with my last fresh cycle back in November of 2012, but that was a long time ago.  I'm going to be really upset if there's no progress at our appointment tomorrow and I just feel like this for no reason.

Also, we are doing March of Dimes in April in Cincinnati and in June in Pittsburgh in memory of Nathan.  More details to come.

IVF Day 3

Well, we are 3 days into our IVF cycle.  7 shots down. Who knows how many more?

That's not me giving the shots in the picture above, either.  No way I would document that.  Also, Chris is usually nice enough to poke me if he's available.  I don't mind doing it but I think Chris likes doing it.  Our first scan is on Wednesday.  The picture below is what we want to see on Wednesday.  Those circles are the individual follicles with eggs growing.  We typically don't see as many in the picture below since I don't respond well but we'd like to see at least 4 on each ovary.  Praying we see some type of response and that my body isn't just a complete failure, again.

Leaving

This blog post brought up one of the worst memories of my life.

http://dianawrote.com/2014/01/giving-kaden-back/

The feelings I felt when I had to leave the hospital without Nathan are indescribable.  I remember kissing his hands, feet, and face and feeling so hopeless.  I would have given my life to be able to stay with him forever.  This is one of the moments I would like to forget, but also not like to forget.

I miss you more than you know, Nathan.  I promise to never leave you when we see you next.  NEVER.  I'm sorry.

IVF Eve

Love you, baby boy.

Grief

The one thing about grief is that you never know when it's going to rear its ugly head.  And once it does, it pulls you beneath the surface causing your heart to race and leaving you searching for more air.  The air is hard to come by and is only a temporary reprieve while you look towards your next breath.  I truly believe this is what suffocation feels like.  At some points, it's worse than suffocation.  Unlike suffocating, there is no end to the torture you feel from grief.  There is also no way to prepare for when it hits.  It leaves you clawing your way to the surface only to be left emotionally and physically drained. 


Anything, and I mean anything, can cause it to overcome you.  For me, it's hearing babies cry, people talk about the happiness that is supposed to come along with pregnancy, and people being totally unaware of what they are saying around me. 


I last held Nathan a little over 14 weeks ago.  We buried him 13 weeks ago. 


I became a different person a little over 14 weeks ago.  13 weeks ago, I again changed forever. 


Add on top of the grief of losing a child, you also have the grief that you feel when you're going through infertility.  Some days when the grief shows itself, you don't feel like fighting for your next breath.  It'd be easier to give up.  There's only so much grief one can handle throughout their days.


I've become an expert in continuing on with my day with no trace of tears and a smile on my face.  It's what other people expect, so it's what you do.


You forever are on edge, waiting for the next time grief will make its appearance. 

Got Medicine?

Our medication for IVF arrived today. I don't think this picture does it justice. Let the fun begin.

So Heartwrenching

:(

Nervous, Anxious, Going to Throw Up

I think the title describes my emotions right now with our IVF cycle just around the corner.  I have 4 more days of birth control pills then I start my shots.  I am terrified that when we go for our first ultrasound on January 29, my ovaries will not be responding to the shots.  That's what happened with our first IVF cycle back in Sep./Oct. 2012 and we had to cancel.  At the time, it was one of the worst feelings ever.  Obviously, I have since experienced a new "worst feeling ever."  So if you're the praying type, PLEASE pray that my body responses to these shots.  Pray that my ovaries act like they're 28 years old and not 40 years old.  Pray that I don't go insane in the next 3 weeks.


Can't wait to do this again...

In other news, we got some VERY good news this past week.  More details to come later when the beans can be spilled, but let's just say it reassures me that God did not forget about us.  We also have a special angel who must be looking out for us.


Chris's birthday is this weekend, but like all birthdays to us right now, it will be low key and will just be another milestone without Nathan.  Speaking of our baby boy, we got some stuff to decorate his grave for the upcoming months, we're just waiting for the snow to stop so we can get up there and spend the time decorating.  I feel bad not spending much time up there right now but with the 20 degree weather, it's hard to stand outside in one place for longer than 5 minutes.  I still think about him constantly, though. 


Love you, Nate.

I Will Carry You

He Existed

I've been back at work for over a month now and I like the distraction.  I do run into an interesting situation here or there, though.  For example, I was writing an excerpt for a grant application that we've been working on for the past month.  I had to write about the trend of infant mortality rates here in Cincinnati.  Talk about rough.  Not sure that piece should have been left for me to do.  The other situation I'm running into all the time now is when people ask "do you have any kids?" or "how many children do you have?"  I've decided to be honest.  I'll reply that I have a son and leave it at that.  If they prod (people ALWAYS prod) and ask how old, I'll either say that he's 3 months or that he would have been 3 months, depending on the person or place.  There will never be a time that I leave Nathan out of the question.  He doesn't deserve that.  He deserves to be brought up in conversation as often as possible.  He deserves to be counted as one of the grandchildren or a nephew.  It shouldn't be awkward.  I hate when people make it awkward or say that I'm not a mother.  I am a mother.  I have the hardest job as a mother.  That doesn't make me a better mother than others, it just means I don't get the opportunity to mother my only son here on earth.  So if anyone out there chooses to say that I'm not a mother, don't be surprised if I smack you in your face.  Kidding, but seriously don't tempt me.  Oh, and if I see that some ecard that says "of course I'm a good mother, they're still alive, aren't they?", I will explode.


End rant.  I blame the birth control pills.  One more week of them.






Love you, Nate.  You are my sunshine.

3 Months

Our precious Nathan,


You have officially been an angel for 3 months today.  Seriously?  How has it already been 3 months?  How have your dad and I made it this long without you?  I still find myself sitting alone sometimes wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare.  It has to be a nightmare.  How can somebody have a perfect pregnancy with a perfect baby then lose them after 38 weeks?  It baffles me.  Instead of cuddling with you this evening, we'll get home from work, make dinner, watch tv to pass the time, walk past your empty room, and go to bed.  Sigh.


How was Christmas in Heaven?  I bet there are no words to describe it.  You were definitely still included in Christmas down here by your family.  It just wasn't the same without you here.  Your cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all talked about you and you were not forgotten.  This made your dad and I very happy.  One day we'll celebrate Christmas together and I'm sure it will be amazing.


With the start of the new year, it brought the start of our journey to give you a little brother or sister.  If you are hanging out with them in Heaven, can you tell them we're ready to meet them?  I can't wait for the day when we have your little brother or sister in our arms and we can see all of your features in them.  Seeing their eyes will give us a glimpse into what your eyes were sure to have looked like.  I also think that having your little brother or sister will make this journey called life a little easier for us without you.  No, they will not replace you.  If anything, it will make us feel closer to you.  As the days pass, so do the amount of days since we've been able to hold you.  I could have stayed in that hospital forever with you. 


Continue to send your dad and I signs that you're alright.  I can't remember seeing so many ladybugs before you left us.  I read shortly after that ladybugs were a sign.  The night that we received your angel for the top of our Christmas tree, a ladybug crawled across the tv in the family room.  I'm sure that was you.  What made me so sure about it was when that ladybug continued to crawl across the ceiling and stopped right above your angel on the tree.  It stayed there the rest of the night.  Thank you for that.  I also saw a ladybug on Wednesday night after my support group.  You always know when I need a sign.


I had a dream with Great Grandpa Don in it.  He was sitting in his recliner that he used to always sit in.  He told me that you were there with him and that you were safe.  Never have I woken up crying, but that time I did.  I hope you continue to be safe in the arms of your Grandpa Tom and Great Grandpa Don. 


We love you to the moon and back, buddy.

Oh, January

I haven't posted much lately and that's because not much has been going on.  I'm still stuck on this roller coaster called grief, with some days being great while others are far from great.  I guess that's what I can expect from here on out, though.  There are some nights still where I don't sleep a wink, such as last night.  I just can't turn my mind off.  I'm constantly thinking about Nathan, if there was any way I could have prevented it from happening.  Upcoming costs with all of our IVF treatments keeps me awake too.  Consider yourself lucky if you don't have to spend $10,000 a try every time you want to have a baby.  Oh yeah, and there's no guarantee that you'll have one.  Because of this, I question God a lot.  Why are we dealing with this?  Did we do something to deserve all of this - infertility and our son dying?  Really?  None of it makes sense.  Why did God take Nathan and not me?  I know there's a plan, but as of right now, I'm not a fan.  Will God view us differently in Heaven because of the extreme pain we have to endure here on earth?  I'm not sure.

Also, I had a fear that Nathan would be forgotten after the holidays.  People don't mention him much and I'm not sure in what context people should mention him but it's starting to feel like he's fading from some peoples' thoughts.  Such is life I guess.  Everybody moves on but Chris and I are left with our grief.  Nobody else has an empty nursery that they have to walk by every night and baby gear hidden in extra closets and the basement.  Nobody else looks at pregnant people on the streets and think how naïve they are and that something can happen to their baby at ANY time during the 40 weeks. Nobody else has to figure out how to decorate a baby boy's grave, instead they're out buying clothes or planning for their future.

I just reread the two paragraphs above and had to laugh.  Wow, I sound miserable.  I'm not miserable, though, just different from who I was before Nathan died.  I definitely don't have the same tolerance for people that I had before.  I'm also a lot more anxious about little things.  I now know that EVERYTHING can go wrong and it's quite possible that it will.  I am grateful for what I have, but I'm ready for the last 2 shitty years to be a thing of the past.  Not Nathan, because if I had to go through what I did to see and hold Nathan again, I would in a heartbeat. 

Nothing new on the IVF front besides filling out the stack full of paperwork that's required, taking antibiotics that are required for Chris and I, figuring out the prices for all of my medication this time, and anxiously and nervously awaiting the start of my shots on January 25.  I'm nervous that this cycle won't work and I just don't know how much more heartache a girl can take. 

I'm officially down to my prepregnancy weight so things are great on that front.  12 weeks out, not too shabby.

Good thing it's JUANuary and The Bachelor just started.  Nothing like a ridiculous reality show to pass the weeks.

Also, it's negative 2 degrees here in Cincinnati today.  I don't do negative 2 degrees and neither does our dog, Sid.  Keep warm.

Beautiful Post

This woman's post describes it best.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/hed-born/

Praying for our rainbow, while not forgetting Nathan.  He will always be our oldest child.

Love you, buddy.

A New Year

It's official.  Today is the start of a new year for us.  I also started my birth control pills today so we're officially in our IVF cycle now.  As of today, I'm confident about this cycle.  For anybody who has gone through IVF, you know that your feelings change daily.  I may be confident today, scared the next day, and stressed the next.  You know why this cycle will work for us this time?  It's because we've been through hell and back in the past three months and it's our turn for some good luck.  It's also going to work because we have the best guardian angel.  We always ask Nathan if he can have a talk with the big man about blessing us with another child.  We're at the point where we NEED to give the love that we were going to give to Nathan here on earth to another child.  We were 100% prepared to raise a child here on earth, but unfortunately, it didn't happen as planned.  We have a beautiful nursery that is waiting for our next child.  We have sisters, brothers, and parents who are ready to share their love with the next Banner child.  It WILL happen.  It HAS to happen.

Since today is the official start of our IVF cycle, I am once again gluten free and sugar free.  Who knows if it had an impact last time, but it did work last time so there's no way I'm changing what I did.  I'm also alcohol free again (this one's the toughest since it helps with my anxiety and helps me relax).

We went and visited Nathan's grave today.  I still can't believe that our poor baby boy has a grave.  Our poor, sweet boy.

Here are some pictures from 2013, good and bad.