I Still Miss You

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head, and I cried.

I love you, Nathan Christopher, and so does your dad and little brother. We tell him all about you and always will.

Finally!

I finally have time to come back here and reflect on this past month, which has been crazy. In my last post, I talked about how the doctors wouldn't deliver at 37 weeks unless they did an amnio. After discussing it over the weekend, Chris and I determined we were that desperate to get this baby out as soon as possible, so we agreed to the amnio on 1/12. If all went well, we were to deliver later that afternoon. All did not go well. The results came back as "transitional".  This meant that they couldn't guarantee that the baby's lungs were mature so we had to wait for a second test to be done, which would take 2 days for results.  My doctor agreed to have me stay in the hospital, with constant monitoring, until we were able to deliver the baby. The results of the second test came back on 1/14 and showed that his lungs were not advanced mature. The lab had run the wrong test and tested for a chemical that's present in amniotic fluid well after the lungs are mature, almost up to 2-3 weeks later it can show up. Since they ran the wrong test, they did not have enough amniotic fluid left to run the correct test. Our doctor felt terrible and wished we were not forced to do the amnio. She met with the head doctor at our hospital and he agreed to allow me to deliver on 1/19, which was 37w6d pregnant.  

And now for the best news ever. We welcomed Thomas John (T.J.) into the world on Monday, January 19 at 9:11am. He weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces and was 21.5 inches long.  He started screaming as soon as his head was out and it was the most amazing sound Chris and I had ever heard.  I had been holding my breath the entire csection and cried for about 5 minutes after he was born. When they pulled the rest of him out, he had he umbilical cord in his hand. Nathan must have warned T.J. about it and he made sure to make it known that it wouldn't be an issue again.

The past 17 days have been the most exhausting and rewarding of my life. The only thing that could make my life better right now is if Nathan was here. My emotions since bringing T.J. home have been all over the place, probably more so than a normal postpartum woman. Caring for a baby after losing another makes you realize how much you've missed out on experiences with your first baby. What I wouldn't give to have had sleepless nights with Nathan and watched him grow through his first year.  We visited Nathan's grave this past weekend and it was really hard for me fully knowing and understanding the extent of our loss, while his healthy little brother was sleeping in the car.

Thank you, Nathan, for watching over T.J. and we miss you more than ever.