Tis the Season

So, I survived Thanksgiving.  I only had to sneak away 2 times to compose myself.  It was on Thanksgiving last year when we started the shots for our IVF, which in turn created our strong embryo (Nathan).  What a year it's been.  A year that started out with so much promise has quickly gone downhill since October 10.  When we returned home from my parents on Thursday, we were sadly welcomed by a very sick dog.  He had gotten sick in EVERY room in our house and this is no exaggeration.  Chris and I spent a good hour or so cleaning everything up and then Chris called our vet and then was on his way to the 24 hour animal hospital with Sidney at 1 am.  Chris got home after 4 am and Sidney was admitted to the hospital for dehydration, vomiting, and evidence of bloody diarrhea (yuck).  He had to stay there 2 nights and we picked him up this morning.  He's still not eating much and I'm sure he has lost at least 10 lbs.  Poor guy.  We are praying that he returns to good health soon.  I need to remind myself that I can't make the statement, "things can't get any worse", because every time I say that, it does get worse.

Since the animal hospital is right down the street from the mall, Chris and I made an attempt to shop last night on Black Friday.  I was good for about 30 minutes and that's when my anxiety started picking up.  There were so many strollers and so many families that looked happy.  I wish we could have that happiness.  Walking past the stores that had the baby outfits for Christmas in the window was also a downer.  I was looking forward to our first Christmas with Nathan.  I wanted to pick out his outfits and be able to take his picture with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles.   What actually made me start crying at the mall was seeing a little boy (probably about 1 years old) getting his picture on Santa's lap.  I hadn't thought about that at all.  We'll never get to experience that with Nathan.  I am confident that he is sitting on Jesus's lap, but unfortunately, we are alone down here.  I am counting down the days until 2014 arrives.

I return to my job on Monday.  I have mixed emotions about this.  As the date gets closer and closer, I can't help but feel nervous.  I know I'll be happy to be back once I get there but it's the anticipation that's nerve-racking.  I hope that the days go quick and helps pass the time until we can start our IVF process again.  Just an update on that, I have started taking the recommended vitamins (about 5 a day), exercising frequently, and eating healthy to give myself the best opportunity when the egg retrieval and embryo transfer happens.  On January 1, I will go gluten and sugar free again as well as avoid alcohol.  I'm not sure what impact that had on our successful IVF, but since it worked then, I'm sticking with it.  We are looking at starting the birth control on my January cycle, then ramping up the shots in February, with an embryo transfer happening around March 1.  3 months from tomorrow.  THREE. SHORT. MONTHS. Right?

Nathan,
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

I Cried

Okay, so that's no surprise that I cried.  But this time, I really let loose.  I am coming to terms with how hard the holidays are actually going to be.  It's not so much that it would have been Nathan's "first" holidays, but the fact that I have to go watch everyone else interact with their children (regardless of their age).  That's what I'M supposed to be doing this year and every year after this.  I am so scared about getting through the day acting "happy" when really all I'll want to do is roll up in a ball on my couch and hold my 8 lbs 2 oz pillow.  It also isn't going to be easy seeing my cousin's wife there who will be 36 weeks pregnant.  I'm just not ready for that yet.  Nothing against her, the issue is all in my head.

Another thing is I wonder if people will actually talk about Nathan or just sort of forget about him that day?  Now that he's gone and his services are over, will my extended family ever include him in conversation again? I sure hope so but I'm not certain, especially with the next baby in the family due in the next 4 weeks.

On a positive note, I was released by my OB last week and am now able to do whatever physical activity I feel like.  I've been running an average of 3 miles a day (trying to take it easy) and then I took a spinning class this morning.  I feel great physically and honestly, right after a workout, is when I feel normal.  I'm eating healthy and trying to get workouts in every day so that I can be to my ideal weight before we start IVF again in February.  I know that's a long ways off but with the holidays and all the food that is included there, it's never to early to start.  Also, it's easy for those who have newborns to carry around a little extra weight because they have the excuse either in a stroller or in their arms.  Me, not so much.  Just looks like I ate too much halloween candy.

I applied to take the Professional Engineering exam in Kentucky in April.  I'm hoping there are no issues as this will give me something to focus on over the next couple of months.  I'm not kidding when I say I'll need to relearn EVERYTHING from undergrad since so much of the engineering work these days is computer based or formula based which doesn't compare to the 3 pages of equations to solve one problem that had to be done back in school.  I think this will be good.

One last thing for today.  I'm looking forward to this guilty feeling going away eventually.  Why can't I get pregnant like a normal person?  If Chris and I had it our way, we would have had at least 2 kids by now.  We currently have 1 who we can't even be with.  Why didn't I feel like Nathan was in distress?  Is there something I did that made him get so tangled?  Was it the bouncing on the exercise ball to get him into position? Why couldn't I protect him?  I know people say there was nothing I could do about it, but when it happens inside of you, you feel differently.  I think of these questions several times a day, which is one of the reasons I cry.

Nathan is safe in heaven and we'll meet again.  I heard this song on the radio recently and there has never been a more perfect song to describe my feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason that I'm broken, the reason that I cry
Is how long I must wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me the strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.

Necessary Tasks

We received the draft of Nathan's marker today.  It's just another reminder of what we're going through. Who would have thought that we would be picking out something like this at 27 and 28 years old?  It's sad to see, but also perfect in how we want him to be remembered.

Love you, buddy.

Who would you be?

What would you look like,

When you looked at me for the very first time?

Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Sleepless

We had our second meeting with our support group last night and the topic was about the upcoming holidays.  Basically, they told us they are going to be extremely hard (tell me something I don't know). I do enjoy talking with Carol and Mary. They want to talk about Nathan and that makes me feel happy because that doesn't happen often. They looked at the Now I Lay Md Down to Sleep picture below and were just in shock and tears about how perfect he was.

It helps hearing this from people but it's also depressing. Nathan would be 6 weeks old this week, yet we're here with nothing. 

I also feel bad for Chris. I feel as the weeks go on, my emotions become more unpredictable. I'm having more "happy" times, which will never compare to how happy I used to be. There are times when we'll be driving somewhere and Chris will say something and I'll begin to sob. Unfortunately, this is my new normal.

I had one of these episodes on the way home from our support group last night. I think this may have caused my nightmare which then kept me up most of the night. This happens frequently too.

I just miss my old life. Don't get me wrong, if this is what I have to go through to have spent 3 days with Nathan, I would do it again in a heartbeat. He is my world, I just have to spend a lifetime waiting to spend eternity with him. God, I cannot wait to hear his little voice and see his eyes.

Obviously, this morning hasn't started out well. Hoping getting out of the house helps.

ncb

Lonely

How is it that Chris and I can feel so alone when we've been by ourselves since getting married 2.5 years ago?  Is it just because all of our plans have been altered and we're back to where we were when we first started our infertility treatment + we have a son we can't be with while on earth? 

Still waiting to feel normal...

A Trip Out West

Chris and I took some time and went out to Lake Tahoe for a couple of days to get away from everything. The trip was great. We climbed a mountain, drove through Yosemite, and enjoyed some time around the different lakes.

Everything reminded us of Nathan, from the clear blue sky to the sparkling water. It was good for us mentally.

Being back home is ok. Still just too many reminders and too many quiet moments.  Nathan's cousins made some decorations for his grave. He would have loved his crazy cousins. 

Still trying to figure out what we do now since I can't even remember what we did before we were pregnant.  

When it rains, it pours

Tammy Jo

Nov. 1, 2003 - Nov. 12, 2013

It's comforting to know that Nathan will now get to enjoy you as I did over the last 10 years.  I hope you're eating anything and everything and every day is doggy daycare.

Fall decorations

Note: this is not his permanent marker, apparently it takes a while to get that in.

4 Weeks

Our sweetest Nathan,

You would have been 4 weeks old today.  How time flies even though it feels like since 10/10, time has been standing still.  What I wouldn't give to go back 4 weeks + 2 days to be able to feel you kicking and squirming around in my belly.

They say that the pain gets better with time, but I'm finding just the opposite.  My heart literally hurts when I think of you, my arms are empty, and I can't stop questioning God.  All I know is that He must have big plans for you up there baby.

Your cousin, Allie, says she sees you up in the clouds and that you are "soooo cute".  She also says that you are happy.  I'm glad that your great-grandma was able to guide you up to your place of eternity (my grandma passed away within 4 hours of Nathan being delivered).  Is Grandpa Tom taking good care of you?  I'm sure he is.  You are his first grandson, you know.  I'm sure he has built you a train set just like the one he built for your daddy.  He'll teach you all about soccer and baseball.  There's a bunch of other great people that I'm sure will make sure you're OK up there.  Great-grandpa Don will adore you just like he did all 21 of his grandkids.

Your dad and I can't wait to see you one day again when we reach Heaven.  We're still trying to figure out life without you, but each day we get through, is one day closer to when we get to see you again.

Love you, buddy.

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings

And Godspeed, Sweet Dreams

- Nick Lachey's Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

Features

At one of our support groups, they mentioned to write everything down that we remember soon, because in time, those things will start to fade.  So I'm going to describe all of his features while they're still fresh in my mind.

Face - Nathan had the roundest face.  That definitely came from his momma.  His lips were a ruby red and chapped, but he still had the softest cheeks, nose, and chin.  I could have sat there forever just rubbing those cheeks of his.  Unfortunately, we never had the opportunity to see his eyes.  I spend a lot of time wondering what they would have looked like or what it would have been like to be able to look him in the eyes like a parent should be able to. 

Ears - Definitely got those from his dad.  So cute.

Hair - Nathan had loads of soft, almost black hair.  He got this from me, but his hairline matches Chris's.  For the first few days after, I would cry every time I looked at Chris because of the hairline.  We are lucky to have some of his hair to keep in his memory box.

Body - That boy was going to grow up to have my ribs that stick out.  That's for sure.  He had marks across his chest from the umbilical cord, which gave me nightmares for nights and is still hard to think about.  Poor lil' guy.

Hands - Nathan actually had pretty big hands and we're not sure where those came from.  It was weird, yet calming in the hospital because when you held him and touched his fingers, it felt like he would wrap his fingers around yours.  Maybe that was his way of telling us that he was alright.

Legs - Definitely Chris legs.  They were so skinny, which is funny since he weighed 8 lbs 2 oz when born.  I picture him growing up like Chris, with little knobby knees and skinny legs.  I'm sure he would have been a good soccer player like his dad too.

Feet - The cutest little feet.  Shaped exactly like his dad's.  What I wouldn't give to be able to hear him run around on our hardwood with those little feet.

Well, I thought it was a good idea to write all of this.  Now, I'm regretting it because it just brings everything back to the surface.  Again, no parents should ever have to bury their child.  No parents should have to walk by an empty nursery.  No parents should have to determine ways to decorate their baby's grave.  No dad should ever have to carry the casket of his son (this one kills me still).  No parents should have to live the rest of their lives knowing they can't watch one of their kids grow up.  I could keep going, but this is depressing shit.

Since it's finally November, I guess I can say what I'm thankful for.
1. Chris
2. Family
3. Friends
4. 38 weeks with Nathan
5. My work family
6. That it's no longer October
7. The opportunity to do more rounds of IVF
8. Nathan
9. The things Nathan has taught me.
10. God (unsure of his plan, but I know there is one) (also, Nathan is now with God and avoided all the shit that happens here so he is the lucky one)

We love you, Nate.  Can't believe it's been a month but trust us, there's not a moment when you don't fill our thoughts.