Beta

Well, I got the call back with my beta results at 11am this morning, which is the earliest they've ever called.  So, our RE likes to see a minimum of 100 of this day, I had a minimum of 450 in my head that I would be okay with if it was, in fact, positive.  My number is 1,163 so I am really pregnant! I have never been more relieved in my life. The doctor was so happy with my number that no further bloodwork is needed and I have my first ultrasound on June 17, when I'll be 7 weeks exactly!

I continue to pray to God and Nathan that we'll be able to meet this new blessing on or before their due date of February 3.

I am pregnant again, I really am.  4 weeks, 3 days pregnant to be exact, but who's counting?

God is good.

1 Day Left

This has seriously been the longest two weeks of my life. Can time pass any slower? I go in tomorrow morning at 8:30 to get my blood drawn but I won't have results until 3 or 4 in the afternoon.  Talk about another long wait.  I am a big ball of emotions right now. You never know which one you're going to experience.  Excitement? Nervousness? Dreadful? I go through each emotion several times a day. It's taking its toll on me and I haven't slept past 4:30am all week. In turn, I am EXHAUSTED. I want an answer one way or another and I want a good answer, not some low beta if it turns out to be positive tomorrow.

I've visited Nathan's grave several times in the past two weeks praying to him and God to provide. It would start out as praying and end as begging and pleading. I seriously don't know how much heartache I can take before it pushes me over the edge.

Positive thoughts for tomorrow.

Anxiety

The end of my two week wait is just 3 days away and anxiety is definitely getting the best of me. This wait is unfortunately worse than last cycle's wait due to suffering a miscarriage.  I guess that's to be expected when you suffer a chemical pregnancy, a stillbirth, and a miscarriage all within 15 months. Keep the prayers coming.

PUPO

I am officially PUPO, pregnant until proven otherwise. I guess that was some infertile's attempt at humoring others going through the process. We had two put back in yesterday that were obviously the leaders of the pack, which is why they put them back in on Day 3. Dr. S said that we are 1/1 so far on getting pregnant since Nathan and he plans on staying perfect. He did say that I have the  best looking uterus and easiest transfers that he's ever done. Way to go cervix and uterus! Beta is on May 30 so pray that these embryos keep dividing, expanding, hatching, and eventually implanting so that we can meet them face to face in January! We need you babies. You can do it!

Updates

I just thought I'd update since I haven't been around much lately.

1. I've also been having some pain since the retrieval on Tuesday, but that is starting to subside, thank goodness. My ovaries were so tender that it was affecting me while sitting up, walking, and going to the bathroom.

2. The retrieval itself went extremely well. They must have upped the anesthesia because I was nauseous for the remainder of the day and slept a majority of the day.  Anesthesia has always made me sick to my stomach, which made my c-section back in October really interesting.

3. I was totally shocked that 6 out of the 7 fertilized. I had the number 3 in my head just so I didn't end up disappointed. The nurse laughed at my reaction when she told me that 6 fertilized and were growing.  I'm sure they get that a lot there. I am so THANKFUL that we have 6 embryos growing in the lab and I hope I am able to give an opportunity to as many of those embryos as possible, either now, or in a few years.

4. I am officially done with shots for this round and I couldn't be happier. The only thing that I have left is to take 2 pills a day until Monday (to make sure the uterus doesn't attack the embryo) and my progesterone suppository.  The things I do to try to get pregnant.

5. I am praying my ass off for the 6 embryos. Seriously. I pray, go to bed, wake up to pee, pray, fall back asleep, wake up, pray, go back to sleep, wake up, pray, go to work, go to church during lunch, pray.  I have never NEEDED something so bad in my life. Nathan's death left a void in our life and although a new baby or babies won't replace him, we'll be able to show our love to something here on earth and not just in Heaven.

6. My transfer is scheduled for tomorrow and I'm secretly (or not secretly) hoping that it gets moved back to Sunday for a 5 day transfer.  Again, praying my ass off.

7. I am terrified and nervous about the remainder of the process. Any prayers that you can offer, we'd appreciate them.

Fertilization Report

6 out of 7 fertilized. Thank God! Transfer is scheduled for Friday but if all are doing well on Friday morning, they'll push back the transfer to Sunday. Keep the prayers coming. We can never got enough.

7 eggs

They retrieved 7 eggs this morning and I hope at least 4 fertilize. I am sore, bleeding, and nauseous. Pray for a good fertilization report tomorrow morning.

Prayers Please!

We have our egg retrieval tomorrow morning.  Pray for: 1) good eggs 2) good fertilization 3) strong embryos!

Mother's Day

7 months

Baby Nate,

Today makes it 7 months since you've been here with us. 7 months without you down, an unknown number to go. Some of my friends from my October due date group are posting about their babies being mobile now, I would have loved to experience that with you. Someday, I guess. 

This weekend is also Mother's Day. Because of you, Nathan, I became a mother. It is the single most important thing that has happened to me in this life. I know it is overshadowed often by your death, but I hope you know I am so happy to be called your mom. I will ALWAYS be your mom, no matter what, and you will ALWAYS be my son. I'm thankful for the time I was able to carry you, the time when we would joke about how active of a child you would be because I always had an obvious foot or two pressing out near my ribs. You would respond to my pressing on your feet by pressing out even harder. I'm sure you would have been a stubborn child as well. I would do anything to deal with all of that now. 

Nathan, everything I do, I do for you. It's always been all for you and it will always be for you. Although I can't carry you in my arms anymore, I will ALWAYS carry you in my heart. Always.

Fly high, baby boy and I love you. Always.

IVF 2.2

I'm in the middle of my shots now and had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  Everything looked good so we'll have another appointment on Friday and then retrieval will be on Monday, most likely.  I haven't been updating much because the Lupron is making me extra tired this time so I just don't have the energy to update. Pray for us over the next couple of days for continued progress and a successful retrieval on Monday.

For a Friend...

It is 6 months today since a friend of mine lost her sweet baby girl in November and the quote below definitely made me think of days like today.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Do you know why or how Mother's Day was first created?  It was first created by Anna Jarvis to honor her mother who experienced the death of 7 (yes, 7) of her children. Anna wanted a day that honored her mother for still getting up each day without those children and living each day. Now, Mother's Day is a commercialized day that honors mothers of living children.  I guess Hallmark had an easier time making cards focused on a mother whose children are still living, not mothers who must live the rest of their lives without their children. Naturally, I'm not looking forward to Mother's Day this year, or any year, without Nathan here.  There's just not much to celebrate. Facebook is the worst for these types of holidays, actually, any holidays. On Christmas, people make sure to show pictures of how many presents are underneath their trees for their kids, making it some sort of competition almost. The same is true for Easter and St. Nick's Day.  Pointless posts, in my opinion. On Mother's Day, mothers will post pictures of things their kids or husbands got them and say "I have the best husband and kids in the world", blah, blah, blah.  Posts like these make you sound like you're bragging as you post pictures of your diamonds, cards from your kids, etc. It's great, but most other people don't care. :)

To get back to the real meaning of Mother's Day, the Sunday before Mother's Day is dedicated and called International Bereaved Mother's Day.  Again, I don't think it's necessary for either of these days but it is what it is. There are no cards celebrating these days.  Stores don't have big sales dedicated to all of the Bereaved Mother's Day gift possibilities.  Instead, one group is trying to change Mother's Day back to what it should really mean. Expressing your love in a hand written letter and nothing more.  Keeping it simple, thanking them for what they do, and spending time with them.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html

The link below explains how mothers of children in Heaven feel about the day.

http://allthatlovecando.blogspot.com/2014/04/honoring-babyloss-mother-in-your-life.html

A Miracle is Coming