Grave Thieves

Yes, that's what I'm calling the employees at the cemetery.  Cleanup day of all the old flowers and decorations was  the second week of March.  Chris and I went up yesterday to change out the St. Patrick Day decorations for some Easter and spring decorations.  To our disappointment, everything was removed from Nathan's grave.  It upset me because we spent some money on some of the different items up there and there were gifts from friends and family and the workers just cleared everything from every grave, no matter how old it was.  Unlike many, we're there all the time cleaning up his area. None of his decorations were old or needed to be thrown away.  The baby garden was empty and sad. We had a ladybug that sat on his grave that my sister got, 2 angels from unknown people, the UC garden gnome, the Pittsburgh Penguins garden gnome, and a blue solar light. All of that was removed and thrown away. I guess describing me as upset is an understatement, I'm pretty angry about the situation.  We, of course, put up the new decorations and stopped by the office to see what the deal was and if all of the valuables they removed from all the graves, especially the babies', were truly gone.

Since the office was closed yesterday afternoon, I called up there this morning for clarification.  The lady stated that everything had to be removed by every Wednesday.  Seriously?  In the baby garden? I am having her check with others since I remember when we were picking out a plot for Nathan in October that the one thing that brought us comfort was how decorated all of the graves were in the baby garden.  It's irritating.  It's not bad enough to lose a child, but to deal with stupid, little things like this after the fact just bring all the bad feelings to the surface. So, in summary, I'm pissed. I don't want to go visit an empty grave.  Nathan's a baby, not an 90 year old person who was expected to pass and had lived their life.  Nathan's a baby and should have baby decorations.

Love you, Nathan. Obviously, I would do anything for you.

This is what the baby garden normally looks like. Nathan's grave is in the back left.

Nathan's spring decorations

Time Doesn't Heal

Bereaved Mother

I saw this and thought that it was perfect.

“Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

Also, we are ordering tshirts for a walk for Nathan in April and June.  If anybody is interested, they're $8.  The more people that wear the shirts, the more Nathan's memory lives on.

Love you, my little man.

Some Things I Just Don't Need to Know

Please, please don't tell me about a pregnancy accident.  It just ruins my day...


Sigh.

Officially Done Miscarrying!

So, I FINALLY stopped bleeding this past weekend.  What a relief that is.  I bled for over 2 weeks and hated every day equally.  It's hard to look forward to the next step in this process when you have the constant reminder of a miscarriage happening.  Last week was probably the worst week in a long time since Nathan passed and I'm glad last week is finally over.  It also helps having Chris home again!

We were in Pittsburgh again this weekend for a friend's wedding.  Leading up to the wedding, I kept going back and forth on whether I was looking forward to it or dreading it.  Sadly, that's how a lot of things are these days.  Sometimes it's hard to see people so happy while I secretly mourn.  The weekend turned out to be fantastic. I love that all of Chris's friends married (or will be marrying) such great girls that have become great friends as well.  A lot of people were interested in talking about Nathan, too, which always makes Chris and I feel better.  Maybe he won't be forgotten?  All in all, it was good to see everyone, I ate too much and drank too much, but everyone needs a weekend like that every once in a while.

I have officially started the countdown to when we can start our next cycle to try to give Nathan a little brother or sister.  I'm getting anxious and letting bad thoughts creep into my head about us not having a chance this upcoming time since we've had some sort of success with all our other tries.  I need to remember that every try is individual and doesn't have an impact on any other attempts. 

Love you baby Nate.

Another Rough Patch

It's been a rough week for me.  I don't know if the miscarriage brought it on, or the fact that Nathan would have already been 5 months old, or the fact that we'll be around a lot of different people over the next couple of weeks.  At work, I can't stop staring at Nathan's picture.  At home, I just dwell on what we should be doing at this time with him.  It hurts a lot and it sucks.  I took Sidney for a walk last week and I cried the entire walk.  I should be pushing Nathan in a stroller and walking Sid and instead, I walk with Sid alone.  I almost lost it while shopping for clothes for my niece and nephews with my sister and mom. We should be buying Nathan clothes too, not decorations for his grave. I cried myself to sleep multiple times last week, upset with the fact that people say this gets easier.  Does it?  What gets easier about this?  Seeing kids all around you grow up while your child never got the chance?  People say there are steps to grieving.  Have these people actually ever grieved?  Especially a child?  I think they're crazy.  All the steps of grieving just blend together.  We attended our niece's birthday party over the weekend in Pittsburgh and it was great to see family.  It wasn't great to hear people picking out boy names for an upcoming baby or talk about how hard it was being away from their kids for a couple of days.  It's hard to be apart from them for a few days?  Try 5 months... and counting.  We have a wedding this upcoming weekend in Pittsburgh. Sadly, I'm not looking forward to it for 2 reasons.  One reason is that this was the first weekend that Nathan would have spent with his Grandma Winnie.  We had talked about this ever since we found out we were pregnant.  The second reason is that we have to see a friend that is very pregnant and who we didn't know was pregnant.  I know people mean well and want to protect us, but the surprise would hurt more. I'm glad I know, though, so I can be prepared.  I haven't seen a very pregnant person since October 10, which was when I had to walk the halls of Labor and Delivery and see all of the women waiting there to deliver their living babies.  We'll see how this goes.

As for our next steps with our doctor, we'll be starting birth control at the beginning of April with hopes of retrieval and transfer in early May. I'll be on the same protocol again since it has resulted in pregnancy every time thus far.  Pray that I don't go crazy in the meantime.  Pray that I get out of this funk because it makes me feel like how I did a couple of weeks after Nathan passed away.  Pray that I make it through this week without Chris, who is in Mexico for work.

Your Room

When your dad and I were thinking of how to decorate your room and what theme we wanted, I had already had a million ideas in my head from the last couple of years.  I knew what bedding I wanted before you were even created.  Your dad agreed with my ideas (he may not have had much of a choice anyways).  I always knew that I wanted beadboard on the bottom half of the walls and a pale yellow color on top.  It was perfect in my head.  I knew it would be perfect for all of the children that we would ever have.

We refused to do anything in your room until after our anatomy ultrasound to make sure everything was perfect and we had nothing to worry about.  It was only after that scan that we started to slowly gather everything for that room.  I spent months looking for the perfect furniture and furniture that would last.  I had a vision for each wall but couldn't really do anything with it until we knew how the furniture would fit in the room.  The biggest challenge in the room was the beadboard.  It was much harder to install than we originally anticipated but your dad and I spent so many weekends in there putting it up and painting it.  When it was completed and the walls were painted yellow, it officially became your room.  That's where we would spend so much time with you, rocking you to sleep, changing your diaper, putting you down for naps and waking you to take you to your grandparents or aunt's house when we went to work. 

Once the walls were done, it was time to move the furniture in and decorate.  I had picked out the perfect, gender neutral bedding from Pottery Barn Kids that was fun and definitely not tacky.  It looked great in your crib and we were excited to see you grow up in that room.  I found some art on Etsy that was made to go along with the PBK bedding I had picked out.  I spent hours in craft stores trying to find the perfect frames for that art.  Dark or White?  We finally decided on the white to keep the room bright.  When it came and your dad hung the art above the crib, it was amazing how much everything was starting to come together and it was real, we were really going to have a baby in less than 10 weeks.  I couldn't find any valances that I liked to match your bedding so I ordered swatches online and made the valance for your room.  I was actually surprised by how well that turned out.  I don't have the patience or the artistic ability to do that kind of stuff.  I wasn't sure what I wanted above your dresser but while browsing the internet, I found some mirrors in the shapes of lions that would go perfect with the bedding.  They were more than I wanted to spend on something that would be rarely used, but I couldn't pass them up.  Finally, we put some shelves up on the opposite wall and put a couple of the books on them that we received from our baby showers on them.  That's also where the video monitor was supposed to go so we could look in on you from time to time.  Your dad, being the tech geek that he is, researched video monitors for months before deciding to go with a regular security monitor instead of one of the baby video monitors that tend to get mixed reviews.  We never purchased it, though, because we wouldn't have to worry about it with you sleeping in our room for the first month or two. 

Your room was complete and ready for you.  The beadboard made it smell wonderful and new in there and it still does.  We shut your door when we came home from the hospital without you.  How could we look in our son's room who wasn't with us anymore?  That only lasted for a couple of days and there were more times after that where your dad would find me reading one of your books in your glider or I would find him playing with some of your toys or holding onto your clothes.  I love the fact that when we walk by the room now there's still the familiar smell of the wood.  Your dad and I had so much fun putting together your room.  We would always dance with you to Brett Eldredge and couldn't wait to do the same with you in our arms instead of my belly.  I hope you enjoyed that as much as we did. 

Your room is still your room and it will always be your room.  I feel you when we're in there and love to daydream about what we would doing in the room with you at your age.  I only hope that we can play with your younger brothers and sisters in that room for years to come.

Wild Weekend

Chris and I had a pretty interesting weekend to say the least.  I walked with my mom and my aunt Saturday morning, played with the puppy some, and then went home to hang out with Chris before we met my sister and her husband for dinner.  On the drive home from my parents, it started to feel as if my cervix was being ripped open.  This continued for 2+ hours.  The only thing that gave me any comfort was squatting.  I watched Friday Night Lights and squatted for a good portion of that time.  Soon after, I passed whatever I had to pass.  It was instant relief afterwards.  After going through this, I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on anybody, no matter how much they annoy me or shouldn't be parents.  I have been bleeding heavily since passing everything on Saturday.  This is actually more blood than I had after I delivered Nathan.  It hasn't been fun.  It makes work miserable, and sleeping even more miserable.  For my sake, I hope that my numbers are low and near 0 on Thursday, which would mean everything has passed. 

If miscarrying isn't traumatic enough, we ran into a slight house issue on Saturday afternoon.  We'd been having a very slow leak where the water line comes through the foundation.  We were perplexed since our house is only 3 years old, we shouldn't be having any major foundation issues. It proceeded to get worse on Saturday so Chris attempted to chip away some of the concrete around the pipe and put some hydraulic cement there temporarily until we could get a plumber in to look at it. Well, in his attempt to clear the wet concrete, he exposed the issue and water starter spraying EVERYWHERE.  Chris plugged the hole, I put buckets underneath it and called the water company's emergency line.  The water company wasn't able to come out for a couple of hours (unacceptable) so Chris was able to turn off the water from the meter that's located in our front yard.  Since Saturday, we've been staying with my parents.  A plumber came out yesterday and thought it may be the connection on the pipe so they had to get the part to be able to fix it.  No word yet.  We're thankful that we have my parents here who don't mind (maybe they do) us shacking up with them for a couple of days. 

Between the bleeding from the miscarriage and the house issues, it's been a long couple of days.  The good news is that I'm already down to my pre-pregnancy and pre-IVF wait for this go around.  Getting off the progesterone basically deflated the bloat and everything else, which is great. 

I'm also thankful for daylight savings and warmer weather so that I have more opportunities to visit Nathan's site. I'm thankful for those people who take the time to visit his grave and leave little gifts.  Our little boy is loved by all the right people and we couldn't ask for more than that. I'm also thankful for everybody that takes the time to read this blog.  Nathan's site has had over 5000 visits in just a short 4 months.  I hope if there are people going through this same thing that they are able to understand that they're not alone and there are still good things in life.

5 Months

Baby Nate,

You are 5 months old today and your dad and I have been without our whole world for those same 5 months.  The ache your dad and I feel for you only continues to increase with time, it doesn't subside. According to the baby growth chart, you would be working on eating rice and other baby food, sitting up by yourself, and continuing to grow quickly. We wish we could experience that with you.  We wish we could grow with you, learning all the things that you were bound to teach us as parents.  You are still teaching us things, though.  You are teaching us what and who's important in life, the true purpose of life here on earth, and how to live without a large piece of our hearts.

What are you doing up in Heaven these days?  Playing with Stella? Running around with all of the other babies who were, unfairly, taken too soon? Watching the Reds and Pirates spring training games with your Great-Grandpa Don and Grandpa Tom? I hope they are behaving and letting you watch an equal amount of both.  You have the best view for those games, too.  I wish we could have a glimpse into your life up there.  We know you're in the best place imaginable, but it would be so reassuring to see it for ourselves.  In due time, I guess. 

Continue to grace us with your presence. Seeing a ladybug can turn our whole day around. When the water was shooting out of the basement wall on Saturday, your dad had plugged the hole with a towel.  He went outside to access the water meter in the front yard so that he could turn it off.  While he was doing that, I was putting buckets under the hole and carrying them upstairs and out the door to dump them out.  When I came back in and was wiping your dad's workbench off, a ladybug flew and landed on the towel that was plugging the hole.  Thanks, buddy.  I think you would have had a sarcastic personality, just like your dad and I.

Keep on soaring, little one.  We're one month closer to being reunited.

We love you so, so much.

6 Weeks 2 Days Pregnant - The End

I moved up my ultrasound to this morning since I was sick of waiting.  Good news and bad news.  The bad news is that I'll start miscarrying at any point and the good news is I won't need any medicine or a D&C to help clear everything out.  I actually only needed to go get a trans vaginal ultrasound to start the process because the significant bleeding has started.  He also said that it has nothing to do with Nathan (duh) and that it was just a bad embryo (duh).  But my body loves to grow babies.  They took my blood to check my beta just so that they have a number to base it off of since I will have to continue to go get my blood drawn until my beta is down to 0.  That's just what I want to be doing. 

 I think the doctor was surprised by my reaction.  I was like, "Oh, ok.  That's what I figured," with no tears, etc.  I'm happy I have an answer.  I'm happy to get this beta down to zero so we can start again.  I'm happy I don't have to think about any of this for the next month or two.  I'm not happy that Nathan isn't here.  I'm not happy hearing others complain of things in their life that really shouldn't matter to them.  You want to feel pain?  Leave the hospital without your baby.  Attend your child's funeral a week after a C-section.  Watch your husband carry your child's casket. Go through a miscarriage.  Try to explain to those that don't know what happened.  Be thankful for what you have and just stop bitching.  Seriously.  I hear people bitch all day long and it infuriates me.  I am bitching right now, but I'm allowing myself to bitch since I'm currently miscarrying.

Since yesterday was Ash Wednesday and since I already gave up the most important thing in the world (my child), I will not be giving anything up this year.  I will try to live for the moment, appreciate Chris more, and not bitch about unimportant things.

6 Weeks Pregnant

Yep, still pregnant.  I confirmed it with a test last night and a test this morning.  Neither were any lighter than any of my previous tests.  Wtf.  One of my best friends said last night that you shouldn't be able to use the word 'fuck' unless you've experienced a loss.  I'm OK with that because it sure comes in handy right now.  Speaking of which, her and her husband were to adopt a girl they cared for while working in Honduras.  Long story short, her family took her back and after caring for her over 5 months, they are left with empty arms.  Not the same type of loss as ours, but a loss nonetheless.  Keep them in your prayers.

I read a lot from Still Standing Magazine and this one is SO true.  I love it.  So if you're pregnant, please don't shower me with updates, pregnancy complaints, etc.  I'm thrilled for you and pray that your baby stays alive long enough to make it home with you but beyond that, I don't want to hear pregnancy details. 

http://networkedblogs.com/UpIOn

I did get to hold my BFF's baby for the first time since losing Nathan.  They would have been BFFs as well and were born a month apart.  I love seeing him now.  It makes me happy. :)

I may call the doctor today to see if I can get my ultrasound moved up to this week.  The one thing I want to rule out is ectopic.  Beyond that, I don't care.

5 Weeks 6 Days Pregnant - Maybe

I may or may not still be pregnant.  I had some bleeding again yesterday but nothing extreme.  I will be taking a test in the morning to see what the hell is going on.  Again, this bleeding is not like the bleeding I had with Nathan.  That was different.  If tomorrow's test doesn't look drastically lighter or darker, I will lose it.  Just let this be over.

Also, I just had someone close to me, who I see 5 days a week, tell me they are due October 19.  That's 9 days before my due date for this pregnancy.  If this doesn't work out, which I know it won't, I will get to see her be at the same stage of pregnancy that I was supposed to be.  I cannot wait!  Kidding.  Obviously, I'm happy for her especially since doctors had told her that she wouldn't be able to get pregnant again (this was 14 years ago) so I'm actually thrilled for her.  Prayers that her pregnancy is healthy and easy.  She deserves it.

Hearing people being due so close to when Nathan was born is really freaking me out as well.  It's weird.  I took a survey for a doctor this morning who researches stillbirths.  I'd do anything to help prevent them in the future.

5 Weeks 4 Days Pregnant

I'm still here and nothing's going on. None of the cramping or bleeding that comes along with a miscarriage. I'm curious if my progesterone is keeping the party from starting.

I am thrilled it's no longer February.  And I can officially say I was pregnant for two consecutive February's. I've also been pregnant for over 10 months out of the last 13.  That's impressive.  It's all been worth it, too.