Chris

I don't think I give enough credit to Chris.  He has really been my rock the past 2.5 years.  When I met him in August of 2004 during preseason for soccer at Rose-Hulman, never did I think we would end up dating, get married, have kids, and grow old together.  I'm thankful he asked me to his fraternity's homecoming in September of 2007. I'm thankful we continued to date while he was in Florida for work, while I was still stuck in Terre Haute, IN. I'm thankful that he moved to Cincinnati and we both got our MBAs together.  I'm thankful that he took a job in Cincinnati and asked me to marry him. 

There's a statistic floating around that states over 80% of marriages end in divorce after stillbirth.  I'm lucky we're one of the couples who have not ended up like that and I'm confident we won't.  I'm glad that we both took our vows seriously and we're living them day to day (through good times and bad).  In the link below are pictures from our wedding day, back when times were easier for us.

  http://www.loft3photography.com/blog/?p=5575

5 Weeks 3 Days Pregnant

Yes, yes I'm still pregnant.  No more bleeding since yesterday afternoon.  Obviously, I am confident that this pregnancy is not going to result in a take home baby.  Since my doctor was not concerned about the bleeding and didn't think another blood draw or scan was necessary, we just wait it out.  If this pregnancy is going to end, I would like for it to end sooner so it results in less physical and emotional pain for me and so we can try again sooner.  Yes, just a couple of days ago I was talking about taking a break.  Who am I kidding?  I'll never take a break.  Infertility doesn't allow couples to take breaks.  No, I will not have the body I like to have during the summer but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  We'll have to take a month off, which will allow me to refocus on my fitness and diet for the time being.  I don't think I'll be able to run but I'll get back to doing my yoga, walking, hiking, etc., which I do miss a lot. 

At lunch yesterday, I took a walk around downtown like I used to while carrying Nathan.  At least this baby got to experience that once.  And yes, I know this baby is just cells right now, but it's still life.

In other news, 6-10 inches of snow on Sunday?  You have got to be kidding me.


And just another reminder that I am a mother.  Until you know, don't judge.


http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/02/see-see-us/

It Has Begun

So the bleeding started this afternoon.  I'm kind of numb about the whole thing.  I was expecting it sooner or later but it's still difficult to swallow.  At least I got pregnant, right?  I just wish the embryo was normal so it would have stuck.  I guess it's better to be let down today than 2 weeks from tomorrow at an ultrasound.  Sigh...

5 Weeks 2 Days Pregnant

Since I may not have the opportunity to have too many posts with this pregnancy, I'm going to write everything down about it while I can.  So I decided that if it's in God's plan that I only carry this baby until 6, 7, 8, or 9 weeks, so be it.  I will carry this baby and give it every chance I can.  God must think I'm pretty good at carrying angels (which I'm not fond of) so if I must, I will continue.  So, until proven otherwise, I'm going to try to enjoy this pregnancy.  No more tests (the one this morning doesn't count), no more analyzing things online, and no more negative thoughts. 

Also, there is one good thing that will come out of this situation no matter what.  I am pregnant.  I am pregnant again after losing my baby boy, Nathan, just 4 months ago.  My body knows what to do.  If anything's wrong with this pregnancy, it's not my body.  My body is doing everything right.  It's the embryo's chromosomes and those are out of my hands completely.  I am ecstatic that I am still capable of getting pregnant.  Never in my wildest imagination did I think I would get pregnant on the first try with IVF after losing Nathan.  All is not lost.  Yeah, losing hair, gaining weight, and not having a life certainly sucks, but if I am able to bring home a baby (our own baby) in the next couple of years, this will all be worth it.  If this one doesn't work out, I'll have another angel waiting for me in Heaven.

I had some pretty interesting pains during the middle of the night in my groin.  Of course, my mind jumped immediately to ectopic.  So I looked up the possibility of that happening during an IVF cycle and it's between 0.5% and 3%.  Sounds about right.  I am pretty damn good at hitting those kind of odds right now.  My sister assured me it was just ligaments stretching and I know she's right.  I remember it from my pregnancy with Nathan.  It is just happening earlier this time since I've been pregnant before.

15 days until D-day. 

Praying for a miracle. 

Praying for strength. 

Praying for peace.

I had another encounter with a ladybug the other night.  It was the night before our second beta.  I found the ladybug swimming in one of our toilets.  I think Nathan got lost this time around. ;)

I love you, Nate.

Third beta

450. Doubling time is getting better but number still isn't great. They said it could go either way at this point. Next step is an ultrasound on March 14. So for today, I'm pregnant still.  I'm glad blood work is over because it just caused us extra stress.  I also wouldn't end the pregnancy unless the numbers started decreasing. That's just against my beliefs.  Still, we'll prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  The poppy seed is now the little embryo that could.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zMRrNY0pxfM

Nathan, prove to us that miracles do happen.

Done

5 Weeks Pregnant....

... and it's hell. 

For a while after losing Nathan, I lost all faith in this life.  I'm close to that point again.  How can all these other people have babies but not us?  How can people say that they don't want one or more of their children and feel ok about themselves?  NEVER EVER would I feel that way about any of my children.  If the doctors told us we were having quads, I would instantly love them all.  Does it really take losses like ours to make us appreciate life that much more?  I'm sick of it. 

Or people that confident that their pregnancies are going to be successful, especially before confirmation from anatomy scans?  Oh, to be naïve again.  I guess since it happened to us, it won't happen to anybody else, right?  Tell that to all my friends who I've come to know through child loss.  Tell that to Billy Donovan, who along with 2 of the other staff for Florida basketball, ALL suffered stillbirths.  Tell that to the girl I went to high school with who got pregnant twice and found out at the anatomy scan both times that the baby developed without a brain.  Tell that to the girl in my support group, who at 25 weeks lost her twin girls, got pregnant again with twin girls, and lost one of them at 25 weeks.  She has 1 out of her four daughters here on earth with her. 

Obviously, I'm furious and I believe I have the right to be right now.  We've spent over $30,000 (in the past 18 months) to try to have a child so far and we have nothing.  We have a grave at a cemetery.  That's it.  We've put our lives on hold for over 2 years so that we could direct all of our efforts into bringing home a baby.  We haven't brought home a baby.  We haven't finished our basement or completed any of our backyard projects because we're spending all of our extra money on trying to have a baby to bring home.  Chris and I are lucky that we both have good paying jobs because there's a lot of people in our situation that can't do IVFs because there's no way to fund it.  I'm thankful for that, at least.
As for this pregnancy, my tests continue to get darker or should I say, lighter.  The test line is to the point it can't get any darker so the control line continues to get lighter.  Sick of the limbo.

Nathan, I'm sorry you were too perfect for earth.  It breaks my heart knowing how long I have to go without you, but we will be together again.

Second beta

287.  Shit.

I have another beta on Wednesday to determine if it will go up or down.  There's a super slim chance that this pregnancy could be viable but more than likely, it will result in a miscarriage. At this point, if it's going to result in a miscarriage, we would want the levels to decrease on their own and soon.  There would be nothing worse than having my levels continue to rise only to find out it's a blighted ovum or ectopic.

I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty depressed. I'm starting to question whether I'll ever have a child here on earth with me.  I've gotten pregnant three times using IVF and I don't have any babies here to show for it.  Really depressing.  I also don't know how many times I can put myself through IVF. It's hard on me both physically and emotionally.  Really hard. I can't run, I have to eat gluten free and sugar free, my hair falls out from the hormones (I swear I'm 80 years old), and I have all the other side effects from all of the hormones.  Did I mention how depressing this all is?  At what point do I give up trying for my own children and look into adoption?  I think it would be a lot easier to adopt if we didn't meet Nathan.  

I wish Nathan was here.  We wouldn't be dealing with this right now.

I love you, buddy. What I wouldn't give to be with you in Heaven right now.

First Beta

Well it's official, I'm pregnant.  My beta at 17dpo is 168.  Most people would be thrilled with this but considering I got my first positive a week ago, I don't think it's high enough.  I go back Monday and for my numbers to double in 48 hours, we need a number of 476.  Please pray that my numbers rise accordingly.  I don't think I could handle a miscarriage at this point.

Uncomfortable Situations

So I do run into the uncomfortable situation here and there when it comes to losing Nathan.  I've had two in the past week that I haven't reacted well to and I'm not sure if it was just because of the progesterone I'm on or something else. 

The first time was when I was out to a business lunch with some bankers.  The one guy kept proclaiming that if his phone rang and it was his wife, that he was packing up and heading back to Louisville because she was 38 weeks pregnant.  Then, he and one of my coworkers kept comparing their wives' pregnancies while I sat there awkwardly.  Obviously, the guy had no idea what had happened to me so I shouldn't be surprised that it happened.  It just made me really uncomfortable for the remainder of the day.

The second time was yesterday at our staff meeting.  My coworker's wife is 38 weeks pregnant and everybody was talking about how exciting it was that she was getting so close.  Again, SUPER uncomfortable.  I know one person noticed my discomfort and tried to change the conversation and for that I'm thankful.  Unfortunately, they did not change the topic and kept talking about it.  I was thrilled when we were dismissed so I could go collect myself in the bathroom.  I don't expect others to avoid those conversations, I just wish I could hide my emotions better during those conversations. 

In other news, tomorrow is my first beta.  Tomorrow will determine if I'm officially pregnant again or not.  I am beyond nervous.  My appointment is at 8:30 tomorrow morning but I won't get a call until late afternoon.  I'm sure I'll be real productive at work during the wait. 

Miss you, buddy.

Valentine's Day

Happy valentine's day, Nathan. I hope you're spreading the love up in heaven. Take extra care of little Stella today!

Nathan's Grave

So Nathan's grave is under about 4 inches of ice which is unfortunate, because that makes visiting it interesting right now.  Here's he latest decorations from before this crazy weather.  I'm looking forward to it warming up so I can spend more time there.

4 Months

Our baby boy,

4 months ago today our world was turned upside down when the doctor told us that there was no heartbeat.  That turned out to be the worst moment of our lives.  We had planned for your future for over 9 months and then all we were left with were the memories of holding you and the pictures we have all over our house.  There is a picture of you in every room so you are truly with us at all times. People say that the pain of losing a child fades over time, but I don't believe this to be true.  

A year ago tomorrow, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!  Your dad and I were nervous, yet optimistic.  It turns out that a year ago tomorrow began the most unbelievable year for us. It was a year that started out with such joy and happiness and ended with deep, unending sorrow.  I wouldn't trade the last year for anything, though.  You were worth it all and the anticipation of being with you again will carry your dad and I through the rest of our lives.

You're the first thing I think of when I wake up, you're the last thing I think of when I go to bed, and you're what I always dream of.

Until we meet again, Nathan Christopher, I will ALWAYS think of you.

Keep soaring high, sweet baby boy.  We love you for eternity.

IVF Day 16 - Day 5 Embryo Transfer

We had a successful embryo transfer completed this morning. We now have two blastocysts on board and we pray that the cells keep dividing and they attach to the uterine lining in the next few days.  They recommended transferring only one due to my c section and previous "OB complications".  Well, I don't think I had OB complications. I think my son suffered a tragic accident and that up to that day, my pregnancy was a breeze with zero complications. I also had no issues with my c section and have recovered wonderfully.  With no guarantee that our other embryos would make it to freeze, we decided to transfer the two strong ones. I would have hated to transfer just one and not have the other make it to freeze. We told Dr. B that and he was happy to go along with our decision.  Here are the two babes.

We also received the Petri dish that held these two embryos. Below is side-by-side with Nate's. 😇

Keep us in your prayers the next couple weeks. I may drive Chris insane!

IVF Day 14 - 3 Days Past Retrieval

So, the doctor was supposed to call by 8:30 this morning if the transfer was to be pushed back until Sunday morning.  Well 8:30 came and went with no phone call.  I'm not going to lie.  I was a bit disappointed because that meant that either our embryos weren't strong or we had lost some in the last 2 days.  My phone rang at 8:42 and it was the doctor!  All 5 of our embryos are thriving and dividing accordingly so our transfer is now scheduled for Sunday morning at 8:00 am.  This gives me a little bit more confidence since our day 3 transfer last time resulted in a chemical pregnancy and our day 5 transfer resulted in our sweet, angel boy.  Obviously, it's not guaranteed that we'll have success with this 5 day transfer, but our chance just went up a sliver.  We'll take it.  Any good news works for us right now.  We're still proving the doctors wrong, which is great.  Now I have 2 days to worry about how the embyros are developing and worrying about losing some before our transfer on Sunday morning.  I guess there's worst positions to be in.

Last night, I went to pick up my shoes off the floor as I headed up to our bedroom for the night.  By now, most of you probably know where this is going since it happens so often.  On the ground by my shoe was a ladybug.  I'm not sure if it was Nathan just saying hello or letting us know everything was going to be alright, but it made me sleep easier.

Here's to positive thoughts the next couple days and trust in God that this is part of His plan.

I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me. (Philippians 4:13)

IVF Day 12 - 1 Day Post Retrieval

We got the call from the doctor's office this morning.  5 out of 8 fertilized.  Believe it or not, I was kind of upset when I heard this number.  How flippin' crazy can I be?  Just on Friday they were hoping they would be able to get 3 eggs and now here we sit one day post retrieval with 5 EMBRYOS.  I am officially crazy. 

So for the next steps.  We will have a 3 day transfer on Friday morning at 10:15 unless we hear from the doctor by 8:30.  If we hear from the doctor by 8:30, then our transfer would be moved to Sunday making it a 5 day transfer.  With a 5 day transfer, they would for sure know that the embryos made it to the blastocyst stage and could possibly already be hatching.  There's some studies out there that shows the success with a 3 day transfer is similar to that of a 5 day transfer so I'll be happy with either one!  I'm just glad that we hopefully will get to that stage!  Just a week ago, they wanted to cancel this cycle and now we have 5 EMBRYOS  continuing to develop.  We just have to keep the faith.  God has a plan.

So yesterday was February 4 (obviously).  Last year on February 4, I had a frozen embryo transfer with 2 embryos.  One of those became our miracle, Nathan.  Such a bittersweet day.  When you have a transfer, they give you a picture of the embryos they transferred as well as the petri dish where the embryos were hanging out beforehand.  Below is the picture of the petri dish from my frozen embryo transfer 1 year ago.  Hard to imagine that Nathan was just an embryo at that point and was in the petri dish.  And yes, I'm sure they clean the petri dish out before handing them to patients.

Love you, sweet baby.

Egg Retrieval Day

So we had the egg retrieval this morning. I took the Valium at 6:15, arrived at the office at 6:45, procedure was at 7:30 and we were out of recovery by 9:00. The final number of eggs they got was 8! I couldn't believe it! It was less than a week ago when they wanted to convert to an IUI because of 2 or 3 eggs. We'll get a call in the morning about how they fertilized. The fertilization rate is usually around 50%. We'll see but I thank God for the results of this morning. I was so nervous and couldn't sleep.  Keep praying for us, we still got some big days ahead of us.

Love you, Nathan.