21 Weeks

Looking at blog posts from TJ's pregnancy, I started my weekly pregnancy posts at 4 weeks pregnant.  That's crazy.  I don't think I'll have the time to post all the time this pregnancy like I did last pregnancy between being crazy busy at work and hanging with TJ, but I'll update when I can.

I spent last weekend with my best friends in Nashville celebrating one of them getting married.  I had so much fun.  What a great city and it finally felt like we had time to just hang out and talk and be stuck in the car with each other for 4 hours each way.  It would have been fun to experience if I could have drank as well, but there's always next time.  Even sober, there's nothing better than live country music in a bar and the food was all fantastic.

We'll be traveling to Pittsburgh for Christmas this year.  Luckily, we got our new car in time to haul all of the gifts, baby, and dog to and from comfortably without having to use a car top carrier.  While we're in PA, we'll also be celebrating TJ's first birthday with Chris's family.  How are we already to the point of celebrating his first birthday?! I swear it was just yesterday when I was changing both mine and his outfits multiple times a day due to pee, spitups, explosions, etc.  More important than celebrating his birthday is that we'll get to see all of our PA friends and their kids that day.

As for this pregnancy, nothing exciting is happening, which is fantastic news!  Baby was 13 oz. (measuring over a week ahead) at 19 weeks so I'm sure he's over 1 lb by now.  Now that we know that everything is alright with him at this point in time, we'll start looking at things that we need to get ready before he arrives.  We'll need a double stroller, car (already got that), and we'll be moving TJ to a big boy bed down the hall from the nursery.  I'm still looking for a bedding set that will work with how I want to decorate his room.

We decorated Nathan's grave for Christmas.  It never gets easier leaving the cemetery after visiting. With Christmas next week, we talk often about how things would be different if he was here.  I truly believe that he is thoroughly enjoying himself in Heaven and is just as anxious to see us as we are him.  Another year getting to celebrate Jesus's birthday with Jesus himself.  Sounds pretty good to me.  Merry Christmas, everyone!

It's Been A While

Wow, I haven't posted on here since September 10.  It's been 3 months and so much craziness has gone on in our lives.  I'll start from the top:

1. Nathan turned 2 on October 10.  We celebrated by visiting the cemetery and going to a family party.  As usual, we had a birthday cake to remember our sweet boy.  It still baffles me how we've made it through the past 2 years without Nathan, and I know we've been busy, but we always feel Nathan's presence with us.  I'm sure he celebrated in Heaven with Stella, Bastian, and our family and friends who are already up there.

2. I sat for my Professional Engineering exam on October 30.  From August 15 up until October 30, I spent all of my free time and all of my busy time studying for this exam.  The pass rate is right around 50%, which isn't great, so we'll see how that goes.  Some parts of the exam were easier than I expected, some harder.  It's really a crapshoot.  Fingers crossed that I don't have to sit for it again.  Also, thanks to Chris for really helping out those months and being a single dad as I studied.  I couldn't have done it without him.  I'm excited to be back to spending my free time with both Chris and TJ.

3. TJ's big.  TJ will be 11 months this month.  This past year has flown by.  At his 9 month appointment, he was 23 lbs.  He is working on his 5th and 6th tooth this week (why do they always come in pairs?). He sleeps 12 hours a night so Chris and I can't complain at all.  We love watching TJ learn the world around him and he's getting quite the personality.  His tantrums rival mine from when I was little so I'm afraid of what's to come in the next couple of years. :)

4. Chris and I went in on August 17 to get set up for our next round of IVF (sigh). Well, it turns out I was already pregnant at that point!  How the hell did that happen?  I'm not quite sure if Nathan played a part in it or what, but I seriously cannot express how happy I was to possibly avoid another round of IVF.  Not to mention, this pregnancy, due to the lack of medications I'm on, has been a breeze thus far. Knock on wood.  Also, we had our Level II Anatomy scan this morning and we are expecting our THIRD son! Whoa!  I imagine that life with two boys who are that close together will be a lot of fun, if only Nathan could be here as well.  This baby will be named Ryan Donald (Donald after my grandpa who passed away 3 years ago and meant the world to me and all of my cousins).  We can't wait for baby Ryan to join us in April!

As exciting as it was to conceive without help, I still feel attached to the infertility world.  It's weird and I'm not sure if it's because I have friends going through it right now, but I am eternally grateful for where Chris and I are today.  After being told that having our own children would be close to impossible, to have 3 sons is a dream come true and I will always continue to pray for those on that familiar journey.

23 Months

...craziness. We love and miss you, Nathan!

Trust

TJ's 6 Month Pictures

We had our first family pictures taken since T.J. was born back in January. We used Loft 3 Photography, who also happens to be a good family friend.  Mel nailed it on these pictures and we couldn't be happier!  Enjoy. :)

http://www.loft3photography.com/blog/?p=21677

T.J. 6 Month Stats

Weight: 19 lbs. 7 oz.
Head: 17.5"
Length 26.5"

What a big boy!

Busy Busy

Things have been so hectic and busy this summer and the rest of the summer will be pretty much be the same.  In the next 8 weeks, we have a friend's wedding here in Cincinnati, my sister-in-law's bridal shower and bachelorette party in Pittsburgh, a friend's bachelorette party in Chicago, a soccer tournament here in Cincinnati, a week long vacation in the Outer Banks with some friends, and then wedding festivities for my sister-in-law in Pittsburgh to round out those 8 weeks.  Throw in a lot of traveling for Chris for work and soccer practices starting up for me and there goes the rest of our summer.

One thing that has kept me motivated during this busy summer is working out freely again.  This is the first summer in 3 years in which I haven't been pregnant.  Since I stopped breastfeeding, I have lost the rest of the baby weight and I'm now even under my pre-IVF weight from almost 3 years ago.  I'm a few pounds shy of my wedding weight, but will try to stay slightly above it in preparation for our next round of IVF (whenever that may be).  I get up at 4:30am every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and get my strength workouts in at a local bootcamp, which I absolutely love. I've met a lot of great ladies there and it's nice to be around others who work so hard to maintain their fitness.  On the other days, I either get up before work and run on the treadmill or stick T.J. in the BOB for a run at the park.

Speaking of T.J., he turns 6 months in 3 days!  Where has the time gone? I'll admit my emotions were all over the place, especially with his reflux, the first 8-10 weeks of his life, but I am enjoying EVERY second of time with him.  He is the nosiest, most stubborn, and most muscular little boy that I have met.  It's a battle to give him a bottle right now because he is always turning every which direction, trying to sit up while taking his bottle, and manhandling me.  My cousin, who watches him twice a week (and a bunch of other times as well - thanks, Katie!), had bruises from T.J.'s toes on her thighs one day from him jumping against her.  He's taken an interest in annoying Sidney lately and is always looking to grab whatever is in his reach.  I'll be interested to see how much he weighs at his 6 month appointment next week, but I weighed him about 5 weeks ago and he was over 18.5 lbs.  He wears some 9 month clothes and some 12 month stuff as well.  He is absolutely perfect to both Chris and I.  Did I mention he sleeps from 8-9 at night to 7 in the morning? I'm definitely thankful for that.

A Little Eerie to be Honest (21 months for Nathan)

Although we now have TJ here with us, I still feel the same as I did after losing Nathan:

- Hearing about people getting pregnant easily irritates me
- Hearing about successful births irritate me (how ugly is this feeling?  I hate it.)
- Hearing about minute pregnancy issues irritates me

I hate feeling this way, just like I did prior to having TJ.  Although these feelings have become easier to manage, they're still there, just not as prominent as before.

Lately, I've had the strong urge to have another baby right NOW. It's crazy, but with my problem that leads us to having to use IVF to get pregnant, time is not on our side. It's been weighing on my mind a lot lately, and I saw this blog post this morning that describes it PERFECTLY.  I felt like I was reading my diary as I read the post.  It sucks that she's in the same predicament as me, but it's comforting to know what I'm feeling is normal.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/07/just-want-secondary-infertility-stillbirth/

Happy 21 (say what?!) months to our baby boy in Heaven! We miss you and love you with everything we have. Continue to fly high.

I'm Back

It's been a while since I've written here and it was a good break, but I'm at a point right now where I'm happy to be back. TJ is 5 months today and I stopped breastfeeding this past week so that we can start preparing for our next IVF round (whenever we decide that will be).  Stopping breastfeeding has brought back so many bad memories of having to dry up like I had to after delivering Nathan. I'd say that I've been pretty depressed this week. Everything reminds me of Nathan and makes me miss him. How can it possibly be that the last time we've seen our older son is over 20 months ago? I think the thought of having to go through another IVF round is depressing as well. I'm so over the infertility crap. I am very grateful for our two blessings so far, though. Ugh, the roller coaster.

Meanwhile, TJ is doing great! He's at such a fun age and I love all the time that I get to spend with him. I can't believe he's already 5 months old today. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze time with him at this age.

And a picture of Nathan because I could never, ever forget him...

1.5 years

*Post is from April 10, but did not post for some reason.

Baby Nate, or should I now say toddle Nate,

1.5 years without you...

18 months without you...

78.27 weeks without you...

547.9 days without you...

... And each one has been hard without you.  I have to remind myself daily about what joy lies ahead for our family and that one day, this journey without you will make perfect sense. Until then, we look forward to watching your little brother grow into a wonderful human being and telling him all about his big brother.

We love you, baby boy.

I Still Miss You

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head, and I cried.

I love you, Nathan Christopher, and so does your dad and little brother. We tell him all about you and always will.

Finally!

I finally have time to come back here and reflect on this past month, which has been crazy. In my last post, I talked about how the doctors wouldn't deliver at 37 weeks unless they did an amnio. After discussing it over the weekend, Chris and I determined we were that desperate to get this baby out as soon as possible, so we agreed to the amnio on 1/12. If all went well, we were to deliver later that afternoon. All did not go well. The results came back as "transitional".  This meant that they couldn't guarantee that the baby's lungs were mature so we had to wait for a second test to be done, which would take 2 days for results.  My doctor agreed to have me stay in the hospital, with constant monitoring, until we were able to deliver the baby. The results of the second test came back on 1/14 and showed that his lungs were not advanced mature. The lab had run the wrong test and tested for a chemical that's present in amniotic fluid well after the lungs are mature, almost up to 2-3 weeks later it can show up. Since they ran the wrong test, they did not have enough amniotic fluid left to run the correct test. Our doctor felt terrible and wished we were not forced to do the amnio. She met with the head doctor at our hospital and he agreed to allow me to deliver on 1/19, which was 37w6d pregnant.  

And now for the best news ever. We welcomed Thomas John (T.J.) into the world on Monday, January 19 at 9:11am. He weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces and was 21.5 inches long.  He started screaming as soon as his head was out and it was the most amazing sound Chris and I had ever heard.  I had been holding my breath the entire csection and cried for about 5 minutes after he was born. When they pulled the rest of him out, he had he umbilical cord in his hand. Nathan must have warned T.J. about it and he made sure to make it known that it wouldn't be an issue again.

The past 17 days have been the most exhausting and rewarding of my life. The only thing that could make my life better right now is if Nathan was here. My emotions since bringing T.J. home have been all over the place, probably more so than a normal postpartum woman. Caring for a baby after losing another makes you realize how much you've missed out on experiences with your first baby. What I wouldn't give to have had sleepless nights with Nathan and watched him grow through his first year.  We visited Nathan's grave this past weekend and it was really hard for me fully knowing and understanding the extent of our loss, while his healthy little brother was sleeping in the car.

Thank you, Nathan, for watching over T.J. and we miss you more than ever.

Monkey Wrench

So I received a call from my OB this afternoon and she informed me that after talking to their lead policy doctor in the practice (who I happened to see last Friday), they are requiring me to get an amnio done on Monday morning if I want to deliver at 37 weeks. What. The. Hell.  Let's stick a needle into my uterus to check for lung maturity when I know for a fact, thanks to IVF, that my dates are accurate.  Let's chance something happening like a rupture or accidentally hitting my placenta, umbilical cord, or baby.  This baby WILL move towards the needle.  This baby IS active and doesn't sit still for any type of monitoring.  Don't go near my baby with a needle.  I will sign papers, I'll do anything else to have this baby on Tuesday except for having an amnio.  As it is set up right now, I have an amnio on Monday morning at 8am and will have to stay for a couple hours after to be monitored for anything going wrong.  Lovely.  Can't he just arrive already?!

36 Weeks Pregnant

According to my ticker, I have 6 days 18 hours and 5 minutes until my scheduled csection (thanks for the ticker, JB14).  According to my brain, I have slightly more time than that before I self destruct from anxiety.  Last week I freaked out from too little movement, last night I freaked out from too much movement.  It's amazing.  Thank goodness I am super busy at work this week or else, I think, I would start crumbling to pieces.  I keep praying to God and Nathan that we get to meet this alive, breathing baby boy in 7 days but I can't stop thinking about the worst.  What a roller coaster.  Wake me up on Tuesday.

Final BPP and Growth Scan

I had my last BPP and growth scan this morning.  Baby boy is doing well still, thank goodness.  He's measuring at 6 lbs 15 oz and is in the 72nd percentile.  I'm happy he'll be a good size at 37 weeks. 8 days!