Small Rant

I'm not a fan when pregnant women refer to their unborn babies as angels.  I also don't like when people say to pregnant people, "I can't wait to meet your angel."  Sorry, but if your baby is alive and well, they're not an angel.  Nathan, he's an angel.  As much as I'm thankful that he's an angel, I wish more than anything that he was here instead.  So before you go off and start referring to your unborn baby as an angel, think of those that actually had to go through labor and birth to deliver actual angels.

NOTE: This is not directed towards anyone at all.  I just see it online a lot.

And yes, I am bitter.

Always Ours

13 Weeks Pregnant

We've reached the second trimester and that means we've hit another milestone. I've been super busy the past week with work, coaching, and getting ready for next week's vacation so I don't really have any updates.

The good news about being so busy is that time is starting to move faster.  I will be coaching 8 year old girls this fall and our practices start tonight.  We'll be on vacation next week and then the following week I'll be travelling to DC for a finance seminar.  When I get back from DC, the soccer season will be beginning, which will keep be busy through the end of October.  I'm looking forward to the distraction and I really do enjoy coaching this age group.

We'll miss Nathan next week on vacation, especially since it's something we were looking forward to doing with him.  I'm hoping he makes it apparent that he is there, but we'll see.

Baby is still doing good and it's extremely easy to find their heartbeat now since they are getting bigger. I thought I would make it through the summer with only being able to use my belly band and my normal pants for work, but that doesn't seem to be the case this time around.  I've been wearing a lot of dresses and just yesterday, brought out my black pants that I wore while pregnant with Nathan.  I've been looking for maternity clothes the past week that I can wear to work that are cute and don't make me look older than I am, but I'm finding it hard.  The search will continue and so will my complaining about ugly clothes. :)

First OB Appointment

We had our first OB appointment yesterday and it went great.  It took the nurse about 2 minutes to find the heartbeat, but once I told her where to look, she found it easily.  Just enough time to freak me out.  It would be better if they just let me find the heartbeat at each appointment!  Heart rate was 165 so baby's still doing good.  Dr. Schutte wrote in my file that I don't have to see any other doctor, except her, which is a relief because they usually make you rotate, which isn't bad, but I really don't want to have an appointment with the doctor who made us run around the day that we lost Nathan.  We also marked January 13th as the day that this baby will be delivered, which is 37 weeks exactly.  She first mentioned 39 weeks, which I laughed at, and then she said ok, 37 weeks.  She marked in her calendar that she can't be out of town in January due to this birth, which makes me feel so good about having her do our delivery again.

So, there will be a couple different changes with my care this pregnancy compared to Nathan's, which is to be expected.  1) Our scan at 20 weeks will be a Level 2 ultrasound and not just your basic anatomy scan.  She said there's no reason for it, since Nathan's issue was his cord, but Nathan's death gives us an excuse to go ahead and do this one.  2) Starting at 28 or 32 weeks, I'll have two appointments a week.  One will be an ultrasound and one will be a non-stress test.  The more, the merrier.

5 months 20 days and 22 hours until the morning of January 13th.

12 Weeks Pregnant

According to 1/3 of the books out there, I'm in the second trimester now since I'm officially in my 13th week of pregnancy.  I'll officially count myself in the second trimester after I hit 14 weeks.  I am pretty exhausted this week but I think that has more to do with the fact that I had 19 hours of coaching classes this weekend, not the pregnancy. Basically, I didn't have a weekend.  We leave for vacation in 10 days and I'm in desperate need of just relaxing and not thinking about work or soccer for a week.

You'd think I'd have a lot of exciting things to mention since we've made it this far, but I've got nothing.  I have my first OB appointment today, which should be the general weight, pee in a cup, and listen for heartbeat appointment.  I checked the baby's heartbeat this morning so I know they're still there so I'm not worried.  Since my uterus has also done this once already, things are shifting up and out a lot quicker this time.  When I wake up in the morning, I know exactly where baby is laying since it looks like I have a large egg poking out just below and to the side of my bellybutton.

I read this article this morning about dealing with others' babies after losing your own and it pretty much describes the last 9.5 months for me.  I'm not posting this article right now for any particular reason, just that it popped up on my news feed this morning.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/07/im-sorry-cant-like-baby/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzRss&utm_campaign=stillstandingmagazine

I Lied

I had a coaching class all weekend to receive my E License for soccer and I lied the entire time I was there.  They require all the coaches to participate in the drills and scrimmages when it's not their turn to run the session.  Obviously, due to this pregnancy, I just had to stand and watch.  Everybody figured it out that I was pregnant.  A lot of people asked if it was my first and would reply, "no, my second."  They would ask how old my first was and I would reply, "9.5 months."  Then they would all state that my husband and I must be pretty crazy to have our two children so close together and I would laugh and say, "oh yeah, we're crazy for sure."  It was talked about ALL weekend.  They were so impressed that I was able to get away from my son for so long and that my husband would actually watch him.  I continued to lie because 1) it felt good acting like Nathan was here and 2) I'll never see these people again.  Little did those people know that instead of going home to my son after it was over, I was actually visiting his grave.  Sigh.

What the?

I just saw on my pregnancy ticker that as of tomorrow, I have 200 days until my due date.  I will be delivering 3 weeks early so that number is closer to 180, but still.... how the hell am I supposed to make it until then?  There's not a day that goes by where I don't wonder if my baby still has a heartbeat.  Also, with all of the genetic testing they do now around 12 weeks, I keep hearing people bringing up statistics about downs syndrome or another trisomy.  I'm not a fan of the testing, and especially after I read that a girl from one of my due date groups online terminated her pregnancy just shy of 15 weeks because it was determined that her daughter had downs syndrome.  Really, people?  Who gave us the right to play God?  All of this combined has made me seriously stressed this week.  At this point, if I make it to 37 weeks without being institutionalized, I'll be surprised.

I'm going to count the number of books I read during this pregnancy, because it's the one thing that helps me keep my mind off of everything.  I've finished 13 books so far.  Impressive? Yes. Crazy? Most definitely.

2 weeks until this..

11 Weeks Pregnant

Today marks 11 weeks and for the past week, I've felt like a new person.  I'm glad to be past the point of falling asleep right after dinner and not being able to eat meat.  My appetite has picked up, though.  My first OB appointment is a week from today and I don't expect much excitement there.  I allow myself to use the doppler once a week and I was able to find the baby easily this morning so that's reassuring.

Nathan's first YOUNGER cousin was born this past weekend.  His name's Jackson and coincidentally, he weighed in at the exact same weight as Nathan.  Also, last week at our ultrasound, the doctor kept mentioning how the baby looked like an angel in the ultrasound due to a circle above their head (the circle was normal, whatever it was).  This doctor doesn't know much about our history, but of course, Chris mentioned it later as being odd.

I'm not one to wish the summer away, but if we could get through the rest of July quickly, and then the second half of August, I'll feel much better once I get to feel this baby move around.

9 Months

Baby Nate,

It's been another month already since we last got to hold you and be together as a family. I laid in bed last night seeing if I could still picture what you felt like and how you had the softest cheeks and the perfect little nose.  It made me happy that when I closed my eyes to picture this, I could still see you and feel you.  I hope I never lose that ability. Honestly, I'm terrified of losing it because that's one of the last ways we stay connected to you.

As you already know (since I assume you were the first to know), you're going to be a big brother in January. There won't be a day that goes by that we don't talk about you to your little brother or sister.  They won't have the opportunity of ever knowing you here on earth, but I know that you'll be with them always.  What a great surprise they'll have in 100+ years, when you greet them at Heaven's gates.  Not every family is so lucky to have a guardian angel like we have.

I'm glad you were up in Heaven with Great grandpa Don to celebrate his two years in Heaven this last month.  The love that he had for his family was so unending that I know that you have his undivided attention up there.  We miss him down here so much, but I'm glad he's with you.  God works in mysterious ways and not many little boys like you already have so many important people with them in Heaven. Your cousin Allie said that you're an angel up there, as well as great grandpa, Tammy, and Chingy.

Continue to watch over your little brother or sister so that they arrive safely to us.

We miss you so much.

Soar high, baby boy.

Gender Dilemma

I keep having an internal dilemma about whether or not we'll find out the gender of this baby. On one hand, it would give us something to do the last 17 weeks of the pregnancy as we prepare for the little boy or little girl.  On another hand, I'm terrified of how I'm going to react once I know the gender. I, of course, would love to have a little boy that reminded me of Nathan.  Along with that would come a constant reminder of what Nathan would have looked like or would be doing.  I would also love to have a little girl, but then I wouldn't have the reminders of what a little boy would look like in our family.  Since another child after this baby isn't guaranteed with our infertility, I'm really conflicted. I would almost rather wait until delivery to find out the gender because then I wouldn't have those thoughts in my head immediately because I would be so focused on having a breathing baby with us.  I follow this group on facebook called 'Pregnancy after Loss Support' and they actually have great articles and blogs from other women who have gone and experienced the same thing.  It makes me feel better that my feelings are 100% normal.  Here's a link to a story about a woman finding out the gender of her rainbow.

http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/wanting-a-girl-after-losing-a-boy/

Graduation Day

We had our 10 week ultrasound today with our Reproductive Endocrinologist.  Everything looked great.  The baby was measuring at 10 weeks and had a heart rate of 170 bpm. Baby was pretty calm when they started the ultrasound, but ended the ultrasound moving their arms and legs all around.  With all that, we officially graduated.  Some people miss being with those doctors, but I am the opposite.  I love the doctors there, but I want to be a normal, pregnant person, which I am one again! I enjoy the once a month appointments where you pee in a cup and they check the heartbeat and measure the stomach and that's it.  I'm happy to be there again. I'm thankful for everything that IRH has done for us and I'm extremely thankful that we have graduated not once, but twice in 24 months.  They truly are miracle workers there.

I'll set up my first appointment with Dr. Schutte (who delivered Nathan) either at 12 or 13 weeks.  I'm not too worried about getting into her, but I will want to see her before vacation.  We'll be forgoing the NT scan and genetic testing at 12-13 weeks because it just isn't important to us.  The only reason I would like to do it is to find out the sex, but if we do find out the sex, I'll wait until 20 weeks.

Not to be outdone or forgotten, we visited Nathan before our trip up to Pittsburgh over the weekend. We put up decorations for the Fourth of July, which hopefully haven't been taken down yet.  I still constantly wonder what it would be like to have Nathan here and another one on the way.  Sigh.

Everything's OK

I'm Back

*Disclaimer - I will write (not right - edited for my terrible grammar) about my feelings in this blog, so if you think you may be offended, you may not want to continue.

I'm back!

I took a little break, but am officially back to blogging.  I'm 9 weeks pregnant and feeling great and looking huge. I'm assuming my upper abs never came back together completely so that's the reason for the early bump, which appears by noon every day. We had a work party on Friday night and everyone (who didn't already assume) discovered we were expecting again. Two things gave it away.  1) I wasn't partaking in the drinking. 2) By the time I get home from work in the evenings, I feel and look like a beached whale.  I wasn't sure how I felt about people knowing at this point, but I guess it's okay.  I used my Angelsounds fetal doppler on Tuesday when I was 9 weeks exactly and was able to pick up the heartbeat.  I upgraded my doppler to a sonoline b that actually shows the heart rate reading and I used it this morning before our trip up to Pittsburgh for the holiday weekend.  Baby had moved but I found them and they had a heart rate of 180 bpm, which is perfect for 9 weeks.  Thank God.

I can't stand eating meat right now. Chicken especially grosses me out so I'm looking forward to getting over this period so I can start eating it again, regularly. Aside from that, not many symptoms. I'm happy with that.

I still get conflicting feelings about this pregnancy daily.  It's hard for me to be excited about it when I still think of Nathan when I wake up and go to bed. In a perfect world, I would be pregnant right now with this baby and have our 9 month old son here with us as well.

I still get a kick out of it when people complain about their pregnancies or children's issues.  If they only knew..

Miss you, Nathan.