Hands
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
We Survived
Well we did it. We survived Christmas. It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears, but we're still here to talk about it so I consider that a win.
We spent Christmas with Chris's family and it was very nice. It's always good to see his family since we live 5 hours away. Nathan was included in Christmas and even had his stocking full which made my heart want to burst. Both of our families included Nathan which means so much to us. We also received some Christmas cards from some of our friends that included Nathan which meant a lot to us as well. He is our son after all. Sometimes I do think that people forget that Chris is a father and I am a mother. Hell, we have the hardest jobs as parents at this point. Those sleepless nights and unruly kids are nothing compared to what we have to live with as parents each day.
Next worry or day I'm not looking forward to is January 1, 2014. One of my friends that I met through one of my support websites put it best. She said that it feels like a year was stolen from them. That it will feel like 2013 didn't even happen. She and I both got pregnant at the beginning of 2013, had our babies grow inside of us, and then we both delivered our children without a heartbeat when they were full term. This is so true. Our whole 2013 revolved around Nathan and now it will be gone. This is really hard for me to stomach. I know that Nathan will always be with us, but 2013 was his year. I had an interesting night thinking about this last night and let's just say that sleep did not come easy.
So, January 1 is also officially our start date for our IVF cycle. I will be on birth control for ovary suppression from January 1- January 21. On January 25, I start my shots. I will be doing 20 units of Lupron in the morning and at night and also 4 vials of Bravelle at night. This will continue until the 28th. I go in on January 29 for my ultrasound and bloodwork and then they will determine if we can continue with the cycle or not. This is the same exact protocol I was on in November of 2012 that created our great embryos so hopefully the same happens this time. If you're the praying type, please, please pray for us. We would really benefit from some good news this month.
We spent Christmas with Chris's family and it was very nice. It's always good to see his family since we live 5 hours away. Nathan was included in Christmas and even had his stocking full which made my heart want to burst. Both of our families included Nathan which means so much to us. We also received some Christmas cards from some of our friends that included Nathan which meant a lot to us as well. He is our son after all. Sometimes I do think that people forget that Chris is a father and I am a mother. Hell, we have the hardest jobs as parents at this point. Those sleepless nights and unruly kids are nothing compared to what we have to live with as parents each day.
Next worry or day I'm not looking forward to is January 1, 2014. One of my friends that I met through one of my support websites put it best. She said that it feels like a year was stolen from them. That it will feel like 2013 didn't even happen. She and I both got pregnant at the beginning of 2013, had our babies grow inside of us, and then we both delivered our children without a heartbeat when they were full term. This is so true. Our whole 2013 revolved around Nathan and now it will be gone. This is really hard for me to stomach. I know that Nathan will always be with us, but 2013 was his year. I had an interesting night thinking about this last night and let's just say that sleep did not come easy.
So, January 1 is also officially our start date for our IVF cycle. I will be on birth control for ovary suppression from January 1- January 21. On January 25, I start my shots. I will be doing 20 units of Lupron in the morning and at night and also 4 vials of Bravelle at night. This will continue until the 28th. I go in on January 29 for my ultrasound and bloodwork and then they will determine if we can continue with the cycle or not. This is the same exact protocol I was on in November of 2012 that created our great embryos so hopefully the same happens this time. If you're the praying type, please, please pray for us. We would really benefit from some good news this month.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
I wonder what Christmas in Heaven is like
This song describes my feelings over the next 3 days best. It's going to be hard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw&feature=youtu.be
Love you, buddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw&feature=youtu.be
Love you, buddy.
Friday, December 20, 2013
In My Arms Again
On the ocean of our dreams
Like a prayer you came to me
And the longing that had been
Found its ending in your eyes
And I am missing you tonight
I really want to see you
I really want to touch you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
I really want to reach you
Forever to be with you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
Like a prayer you came to me
And the longing that had been
Found its ending in your eyes
And I am missing you tonight
I really want to see you
I really want to touch you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
I really want to reach you
Forever to be with you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
Thursday, December 19, 2013
It has arrived
Nathan's marker arrived on Tuesday. It's at his grave but I'm not sure if it has been placed in the ground yet since I haven't been able to make it back there yet. Happy it's here, sad it's here.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Truth
My dad had lunch with a friend last week. This friend is VERY involved in his church. For him to put this much time into thinking of Nathan and our questions of "why?" is very touching. Reading such things gives me a great comfort knowing that Nathan is indeed in paradise waiting for us.
It was good to see and talk to you on Tuesday. During our conversation as you were sharing with me about the death of Julie’s son you questioned, why does this type of thing happen? This question has weighed heavily upon me since our talk and I have felt compelled to share with you some of my thoughts on the question. As you read my thoughts, my hope is that you can listen to your heart and the feelings these thoughts bring to your heart. This is how God communicates with us. In the bible after the crucifixion of Christ as two of his disciples walked down the road to Emmaus Christ appeared to them. At first they did not recognize him, but as they walked it says he expounded unto them the scriptures. Then after they recognized him and he vanished from their sight they said in recollection of what happened. “Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while He opened to us the scriptures?” (Luke 24:32) After having this experience with the resurrected Savior they realized that the Holy Ghost thru the feelings in their hearts had witnessed unto them the truths that Christ had taught them as they walked down the road. This is how we can discern truth from error. This is how I pray you will approach the thoughts I have. With an open mind and an open heart. I will not go into the scriptural references to all that I share. If you desire we can do that at another time. But I will simply share divine truths that I know to be true.
The first thing we need to understand is we lived with our Father in Heaven as his spirit children before we came to this earth. In this premortal existence we could see that our Father in Heaven had a body of flesh and bones much like those we have now but it was glorified and perfected, perfect in every way. As his spirit children we desired to be like him and he desired for us to be more like him and to have all the blessings he had. Just like any good father would. So he developed a plan for us to gain a physical body and to gain the physical experiences that would be necessary for us to gain the wisdom and knowledge that he had. That plan led to his creation of the world we now live in. You might ask, what is so important about having a physical body. We needed to learn things that we could not so easily learn without a physical body. Physical/Emotional things like Love, Joy, Sadness, and one thing that I particularly think is important which is Self-Control. These are important experiences that make us who we are as an individual. So one of the things we came to this earth to do is learn how to love appropriately, experience joy and happiness while also experiencing sadness and learning to have faith in God. We needed to learn to trust him without his physical presence. We need to trust that he has a plan for us. A plan that will prepare us to someday become like he is.
In this premortal existence I spoke of we believe in what is referred to in the Book of Revelations as the war in heaven. In reality we have learned through modern revelation that this war was really a disagreement on how to accomplish God’s plan for us to come to earth. Satan and his followers wanted to have everyone come to earth and gain a physical body but they would not be subject to making choices and decisions. There would be no testing of their character or their faith. The other plan that was championed by Christ was to have everyone come to earth gain a physical body and then be allowed to make decisions and choices, and prove their faith and love for their Heavenly Father without him being there to hover over them.
There is one more important truth that we need to understand. In the New Testament it records that Christ said to his apostles, whatsoever you should bind on earth should be bound in heaven. I believe this is true especially in the marriage covenant. This is something that has been lost to the ages. In marriages throughout the world vows are made until death do us part. In the Temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints marriage vows are made for time and eternity. With a temple marriage the covenant does not end at death but goes on for Eternity. We believe that with such a marriage children are sealed to you and your spouse for the eternities. At the resurrection we will be joined together as families. If heaven is supposed to be a place of joy and happiness I for one cannot imagine how I could be eternally happy without my family.
Now what does all of this have to do with the death of Julie’s son.
First, He had to gain a physical body so he had to come to the earth to have this happen.
Second, we believe that he was so righteous in the premortal existence that he did not need to go thru the trials and tribulations of life. This means that he is one VERY SPECIAL son of our Father in Heaven. This also means that Julie and her husband have something to look forward to. That is an Eternal relationship with this very special son of God. I also believe that Julie and her husband knew in the premortal existence that this was going to happen. But they chose along with the death of their son at birth because they had more of an eternal perspective than they do now.
Third, this is a difficult thing. I cannot imagine the agony. But I know that in the midst of that agony is hope. A hope for the eternities. Sometimes we tend to look at life from a finite point of view rather than an eternal or infinite point of view. We need to remember that God’s plan is an eternal plan not a finite plan. We need to remember as it says in the bible “his ways are not our ways”. In Psalms it says “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
John, I want you to know that I know the things I have shared with you are true. I know this not because someone taught them to me but because I have prayed and fasted to know if they were true and had the Holy Ghost bear witness to me in my heart and in my mind that they are true. I only hope is that you and your family can find peace during this time of trial.
Love you, sweet boy.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Worn
What a terrible, no good day. I just want our son back.
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
Our new Christmas tradition
So I mentioned in previous posts how we are participating in our church's giving tree. Well we're turning the gift in today and I truly hope it brings the family with the newborn baby some happiness. We are calling this "Nate's gift". It's also the only gift I've wrapped this far. You can understand why I'm in no hurry to wrap other gifts since this Christmas will be so difficult. So merry christmas, from our Nathan.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
2 Months
Our sweetest Nathan,
You would be 2 months old day. I can't believe it's already 2 months. I can't believe I've survived 2 months without you. It feels like it was just yesterday when our world came crashing down but at the same time, it feels like it happened an eternity ago. If you were here, I'd still be at home with you but instead, I'm back at work trying to figure out how to live without half of my heart.
Christmas is coming up and it hurts so deeply that your dad and I can't celebrate it with you, our son. Some days when I see all of the Christmas decorations or families laughing, I feel like I'm suffocating. Don't worry, we didn't forget you. We hung your stocking and all of your ornaments are on the tree. We replaced our stocking holders with ones that are different parts of a train, something that will remind us of you every Christmas. What's the Christmas season like up in Heaven? I'm sure it's perfect, just like it always is. I'm sorry we can't give you any gifts or good morning kisses on Christmas day, but I bet your Grandpa Tom will make sure you get some. I'll give you a million kisses when I see you, though.
I think you're starting to make your presence known around here. I swear I felt something brush against my leg in our office the other day. Was that you? Were you the reason there was a white feather on the couch? I like to believe that it's all because of you.
This month, instead of going to Christmas parties with you, your dad and I are left with the deepest sadness. We remain grateful for our 38 weeks with you and we remain hopeful that we will get to be with you again someday. It will be you who greets us at the gates of Heaven and it will be you who we run to first. Nate, we couldn't be more proud to be your parents and if we had to do it all again just to hold you in our arms for 3 days, we would. We love you, buddy.
You would be 2 months old day. I can't believe it's already 2 months. I can't believe I've survived 2 months without you. It feels like it was just yesterday when our world came crashing down but at the same time, it feels like it happened an eternity ago. If you were here, I'd still be at home with you but instead, I'm back at work trying to figure out how to live without half of my heart.
Christmas is coming up and it hurts so deeply that your dad and I can't celebrate it with you, our son. Some days when I see all of the Christmas decorations or families laughing, I feel like I'm suffocating. Don't worry, we didn't forget you. We hung your stocking and all of your ornaments are on the tree. We replaced our stocking holders with ones that are different parts of a train, something that will remind us of you every Christmas. What's the Christmas season like up in Heaven? I'm sure it's perfect, just like it always is. I'm sorry we can't give you any gifts or good morning kisses on Christmas day, but I bet your Grandpa Tom will make sure you get some. I'll give you a million kisses when I see you, though.
I think you're starting to make your presence known around here. I swear I felt something brush against my leg in our office the other day. Was that you? Were you the reason there was a white feather on the couch? I like to believe that it's all because of you.
This month, instead of going to Christmas parties with you, your dad and I are left with the deepest sadness. We remain grateful for our 38 weeks with you and we remain hopeful that we will get to be with you again someday. It will be you who greets us at the gates of Heaven and it will be you who we run to first. Nate, we couldn't be more proud to be your parents and if we had to do it all again just to hold you in our arms for 3 days, we would. We love you, buddy.
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Homesick
I'm feeling especially homesick today. I don't know if it's the ugly weather or the fact that it's a Monday, but I just can't shake this anxious feeling.
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
My mother in law keeps asking what I want for Christmas. The answer is nothing. I don't want anything. I just want what the picture above states. I want my Nathan back. In memory of Nate, we are going to pick a name from the Giving Tree at our church each year that has a boy who is a similar age as what Nathan would be at that time. We chose a boy this year who need clothes ranging from 0-6 months. I went out and bought them last weekend. That was painful, but it didn't compare to the feeling I had when wrapping them yesterday. I shouldn't have to wrap them. I should be able to wash them and dress my son in them. It comforts me knowing that a little boy will be getting this clothes this Christmas, though. I think Nathan would want that.
Love you, buddy.
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
My mother in law keeps asking what I want for Christmas. The answer is nothing. I don't want anything. I just want what the picture above states. I want my Nathan back. In memory of Nate, we are going to pick a name from the Giving Tree at our church each year that has a boy who is a similar age as what Nathan would be at that time. We chose a boy this year who need clothes ranging from 0-6 months. I went out and bought them last weekend. That was painful, but it didn't compare to the feeling I had when wrapping them yesterday. I shouldn't have to wrap them. I should be able to wash them and dress my son in them. It comforts me knowing that a little boy will be getting this clothes this Christmas, though. I think Nathan would want that.
Love you, buddy.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
My 28th Birthday
Yesterday, I turned 28. The whole day was overwhelming. I know people meant well by wishing me a happy birthday but there was just no chance that yesterday was going to be a happy day for me. How was I supposed to celebrate my birthday when just 8 weeks ago I delivered our Nathan with no heartbeat? He doesn't ever get a chance to have a birthday. It just makes me feel horrible. If he can't celebrate, there's no way I'm going to celebrate. I cried on multiple occasions yesterday. The first was when I talked to my brother. We haven't talked since Nathan's funeral, but talking to him yesterday made me realize how much I miss him. The second time I cried was when I received a private message from someone who I played soccer with for one year in college. She was a freshman when I was a senior. First, she sent me a token last week that said something like "Thank you for all of your love. You were my angel and now I'm yours." Her message yesterday included that she knew I didn't want all the happy birthday wishes because they would cause the opposite effect to happen (true) and that she was just continuing to pray for Chris, Nathan, and myself. It was spot on and really thoughtful. The third time was when I received a post on facebook that said "hope you have an awesome day!". No chance in hell that yesterday was going to be an "awesome" day for me. She meant well, though, and it's not her fault that my life is what it is.
The last time I cried was when I saw that Nathan's blurb was included on Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep's facebook page since I had donated money to them on Giving Tuesday (follows Black Friday and Cyber Monday). Over 500 people liked the blurb and so many commented on how they were touched by it or how it reminded them of their own loss so many years ago. I guess this means I'm officially a member of the club, the club I would rather not be included.
Chris got me a card and it was signed from him, Nathan, and Sidney (our boxer) so I loved that. We also went to Target to pick out a gift since Chris gave me my big gift the day before Nathan's funeral (birthstone necklace and ring). We picked out a baby's first Christmas 2013 ornament. I love it and can't wait to hang it with all of his other ornaments.
In conclusion, I survived my birthday, realized how unimportant they are to me now, and reminded me how we would not get to throw Nathan a first birthday party, a 16th birthday party, or any birthday party because he's not here.
Nathan,
I hope you celebrated for your mom up in heaven yesterday. You were missed this birthday and will be missed on every birthday. We would have liked nothing more than to hold you and rock you to sleep last night or see that goofy smile that you should have been getting around this time. Our hearts still ache for you. Know how much we love you.
Love you Nate.
The last time I cried was when I saw that Nathan's blurb was included on Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep's facebook page since I had donated money to them on Giving Tuesday (follows Black Friday and Cyber Monday). Over 500 people liked the blurb and so many commented on how they were touched by it or how it reminded them of their own loss so many years ago. I guess this means I'm officially a member of the club, the club I would rather not be included.
Chris got me a card and it was signed from him, Nathan, and Sidney (our boxer) so I loved that. We also went to Target to pick out a gift since Chris gave me my big gift the day before Nathan's funeral (birthstone necklace and ring). We picked out a baby's first Christmas 2013 ornament. I love it and can't wait to hang it with all of his other ornaments.
In conclusion, I survived my birthday, realized how unimportant they are to me now, and reminded me how we would not get to throw Nathan a first birthday party, a 16th birthday party, or any birthday party because he's not here.
Nathan,
I hope you celebrated for your mom up in heaven yesterday. You were missed this birthday and will be missed on every birthday. We would have liked nothing more than to hold you and rock you to sleep last night or see that goofy smile that you should have been getting around this time. Our hearts still ache for you. Know how much we love you.
Love you Nate.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Nathan was here
Last year on this date, I had two embryos transferred for our first fresh cycle for IVF. The result of that cycle was a chemical pregnancy. Last year on this date, Nathan was a day 3 embryo and still growing strong. We got the phone call on December 6 that they were able to freeze 2 of our embryos. Those 2 embryos were transferred in early February and the one resulted in Nathan. :) What a crazy, unbelievable year it's been. I was laid off last January, but found my dream job and found out I was pregnant in February. The next 38 weeks were the best weeks of my life. Now, here we are a year later, in the exact same spot as we were last year. Without a baby. :(
I still can't comprehend what happened or why it happened to us, but I am SO SO thankful for our perfect Nathan. Since I can't create new memories with Nathan, I'm going to recount the ones I do have of him.
1. The picture of him as an embryo the day he was transferred into my uterus in February.
2. The positive pregnancy test on Feb. 13 (something I had never seen before)
3. Seeing his heartbeat for the first time at 7 weeks 1 day pregnant
4. Seeing his heartbeat for the second time and seeing him squirm around at 9 weeks 1 day pregnant
5. Our first appointment with our OB/GYN at 13 weeks
6. Seeing our perfectly created baby at our 20 week ultrasound on June 11 and not finding out the sex
7. Hanging out with one of my BFF at her baby shower, first time we both had good size bellies
8. Camping in the Smokies at 24 weeks pregnant.
9. Celebrating the 4th of July with my nephews, brother, and sister in law at 24 weeks pregnant.
10. Boating and camping at 29 weeks pregnant
11. Feeling his feet kick me in the ribs CONSTANTLY
12. My baby shower in PA on August 24
13. My baby shower in OH on September 15
14. Laying by Chris on the couch, Chris would press my belly, and Nathan would put on a show for his dad. (this may be my favorite memory)
15. Finishing his nursery and having everything in place
16. Finding out he was a boy when he was delivered
17. Climbing to 11,000 ft in Lake Tahoe 4 weeks after my c-section with his halloween onesie that I sleep with.
18. The number of people that have been touched by our baby boy. We knew he was special, we just didn't know HOW special.
Those are my memories. How few there are. I wish there were more and I'm sure over the next 10 months more memories will start to populate as the dates pass when I was actually pregnant.
Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good
And Jesus, I was wondering if you would,
Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
Tell him all the things we'd teach him about You
Whisper in his ear
One more simple truth
Tell him that You love him
And that we love him too... ♥
I still can't comprehend what happened or why it happened to us, but I am SO SO thankful for our perfect Nathan. Since I can't create new memories with Nathan, I'm going to recount the ones I do have of him.
1. The picture of him as an embryo the day he was transferred into my uterus in February.
2. The positive pregnancy test on Feb. 13 (something I had never seen before)
3. Seeing his heartbeat for the first time at 7 weeks 1 day pregnant
4. Seeing his heartbeat for the second time and seeing him squirm around at 9 weeks 1 day pregnant
5. Our first appointment with our OB/GYN at 13 weeks
6. Seeing our perfectly created baby at our 20 week ultrasound on June 11 and not finding out the sex
7. Hanging out with one of my BFF at her baby shower, first time we both had good size bellies
8. Camping in the Smokies at 24 weeks pregnant.
9. Celebrating the 4th of July with my nephews, brother, and sister in law at 24 weeks pregnant.
10. Boating and camping at 29 weeks pregnant
11. Feeling his feet kick me in the ribs CONSTANTLY
12. My baby shower in PA on August 24
13. My baby shower in OH on September 15
14. Laying by Chris on the couch, Chris would press my belly, and Nathan would put on a show for his dad. (this may be my favorite memory)
15. Finishing his nursery and having everything in place
16. Finding out he was a boy when he was delivered
17. Climbing to 11,000 ft in Lake Tahoe 4 weeks after my c-section with his halloween onesie that I sleep with.
18. The number of people that have been touched by our baby boy. We knew he was special, we just didn't know HOW special.
Those are my memories. How few there are. I wish there were more and I'm sure over the next 10 months more memories will start to populate as the dates pass when I was actually pregnant.
Lord I trust you now
I know that You are good
And Jesus, I was wondering if you would,
Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
Tell him all the things we'd teach him about You
Whisper in his ear
One more simple truth
Tell him that You love him
And that we love him too... ♥
Monday, December 2, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Tis the Season
So, I survived Thanksgiving. I only had to sneak away 2 times to compose myself. It was on Thanksgiving last year when we started the shots for our IVF, which in turn created our strong embryo (Nathan). What a year it's been. A year that started out with so much promise has quickly gone downhill since October 10. When we returned home from my parents on Thursday, we were sadly welcomed by a very sick dog. He had gotten sick in EVERY room in our house and this is no exaggeration. Chris and I spent a good hour or so cleaning everything up and then Chris called our vet and then was on his way to the 24 hour animal hospital with Sidney at 1 am. Chris got home after 4 am and Sidney was admitted to the hospital for dehydration, vomiting, and evidence of bloody diarrhea (yuck). He had to stay there 2 nights and we picked him up this morning. He's still not eating much and I'm sure he has lost at least 10 lbs. Poor guy. We are praying that he returns to good health soon. I need to remind myself that I can't make the statement, "things can't get any worse", because every time I say that, it does get worse.
Since the animal hospital is right down the street from the mall, Chris and I made an attempt to shop last night on Black Friday. I was good for about 30 minutes and that's when my anxiety started picking up. There were so many strollers and so many families that looked happy. I wish we could have that happiness. Walking past the stores that had the baby outfits for Christmas in the window was also a downer. I was looking forward to our first Christmas with Nathan. I wanted to pick out his outfits and be able to take his picture with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. What actually made me start crying at the mall was seeing a little boy (probably about 1 years old) getting his picture on Santa's lap. I hadn't thought about that at all. We'll never get to experience that with Nathan. I am confident that he is sitting on Jesus's lap, but unfortunately, we are alone down here. I am counting down the days until 2014 arrives.
I return to my job on Monday. I have mixed emotions about this. As the date gets closer and closer, I can't help but feel nervous. I know I'll be happy to be back once I get there but it's the anticipation that's nerve-racking. I hope that the days go quick and helps pass the time until we can start our IVF process again. Just an update on that, I have started taking the recommended vitamins (about 5 a day), exercising frequently, and eating healthy to give myself the best opportunity when the egg retrieval and embryo transfer happens. On January 1, I will go gluten and sugar free again as well as avoid alcohol. I'm not sure what impact that had on our successful IVF, but since it worked then, I'm sticking with it. We are looking at starting the birth control on my January cycle, then ramping up the shots in February, with an embryo transfer happening around March 1. 3 months from tomorrow. THREE. SHORT. MONTHS. Right?
Nathan,
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
Since the animal hospital is right down the street from the mall, Chris and I made an attempt to shop last night on Black Friday. I was good for about 30 minutes and that's when my anxiety started picking up. There were so many strollers and so many families that looked happy. I wish we could have that happiness. Walking past the stores that had the baby outfits for Christmas in the window was also a downer. I was looking forward to our first Christmas with Nathan. I wanted to pick out his outfits and be able to take his picture with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. What actually made me start crying at the mall was seeing a little boy (probably about 1 years old) getting his picture on Santa's lap. I hadn't thought about that at all. We'll never get to experience that with Nathan. I am confident that he is sitting on Jesus's lap, but unfortunately, we are alone down here. I am counting down the days until 2014 arrives.
I return to my job on Monday. I have mixed emotions about this. As the date gets closer and closer, I can't help but feel nervous. I know I'll be happy to be back once I get there but it's the anticipation that's nerve-racking. I hope that the days go quick and helps pass the time until we can start our IVF process again. Just an update on that, I have started taking the recommended vitamins (about 5 a day), exercising frequently, and eating healthy to give myself the best opportunity when the egg retrieval and embryo transfer happens. On January 1, I will go gluten and sugar free again as well as avoid alcohol. I'm not sure what impact that had on our successful IVF, but since it worked then, I'm sticking with it. We are looking at starting the birth control on my January cycle, then ramping up the shots in February, with an embryo transfer happening around March 1. 3 months from tomorrow. THREE. SHORT. MONTHS. Right?
Nathan,
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
I Cried
Okay, so that's no surprise that I cried. But this time, I really let loose. I am coming to terms with how hard the holidays are actually going to be. It's not so much that it would have been Nathan's "first" holidays, but the fact that I have to go watch everyone else interact with their children (regardless of their age). That's what I'M supposed to be doing this year and every year after this. I am so scared about getting through the day acting "happy" when really all I'll want to do is roll up in a ball on my couch and hold my 8 lbs 2 oz pillow. It also isn't going to be easy seeing my cousin's wife there who will be 36 weeks pregnant. I'm just not ready for that yet. Nothing against her, the issue is all in my head.
Another thing is I wonder if people will actually talk about Nathan or just sort of forget about him that day? Now that he's gone and his services are over, will my extended family ever include him in conversation again? I sure hope so but I'm not certain, especially with the next baby in the family due in the next 4 weeks.
On a positive note, I was released by my OB last week and am now able to do whatever physical activity I feel like. I've been running an average of 3 miles a day (trying to take it easy) and then I took a spinning class this morning. I feel great physically and honestly, right after a workout, is when I feel normal. I'm eating healthy and trying to get workouts in every day so that I can be to my ideal weight before we start IVF again in February. I know that's a long ways off but with the holidays and all the food that is included there, it's never to early to start. Also, it's easy for those who have newborns to carry around a little extra weight because they have the excuse either in a stroller or in their arms. Me, not so much. Just looks like I ate too much halloween candy.
I applied to take the Professional Engineering exam in Kentucky in April. I'm hoping there are no issues as this will give me something to focus on over the next couple of months. I'm not kidding when I say I'll need to relearn EVERYTHING from undergrad since so much of the engineering work these days is computer based or formula based which doesn't compare to the 3 pages of equations to solve one problem that had to be done back in school. I think this will be good.
One last thing for today. I'm looking forward to this guilty feeling going away eventually. Why can't I get pregnant like a normal person? If Chris and I had it our way, we would have had at least 2 kids by now. We currently have 1 who we can't even be with. Why didn't I feel like Nathan was in distress? Is there something I did that made him get so tangled? Was it the bouncing on the exercise ball to get him into position? Why couldn't I protect him? I know people say there was nothing I could do about it, but when it happens inside of you, you feel differently. I think of these questions several times a day, which is one of the reasons I cry.
Nathan is safe in heaven and we'll meet again. I heard this song on the radio recently and there has never been a more perfect song to describe my feelings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason that I'm broken, the reason that I cry
Is how long I must wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me the strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.
Another thing is I wonder if people will actually talk about Nathan or just sort of forget about him that day? Now that he's gone and his services are over, will my extended family ever include him in conversation again? I sure hope so but I'm not certain, especially with the next baby in the family due in the next 4 weeks.
On a positive note, I was released by my OB last week and am now able to do whatever physical activity I feel like. I've been running an average of 3 miles a day (trying to take it easy) and then I took a spinning class this morning. I feel great physically and honestly, right after a workout, is when I feel normal. I'm eating healthy and trying to get workouts in every day so that I can be to my ideal weight before we start IVF again in February. I know that's a long ways off but with the holidays and all the food that is included there, it's never to early to start. Also, it's easy for those who have newborns to carry around a little extra weight because they have the excuse either in a stroller or in their arms. Me, not so much. Just looks like I ate too much halloween candy.
I applied to take the Professional Engineering exam in Kentucky in April. I'm hoping there are no issues as this will give me something to focus on over the next couple of months. I'm not kidding when I say I'll need to relearn EVERYTHING from undergrad since so much of the engineering work these days is computer based or formula based which doesn't compare to the 3 pages of equations to solve one problem that had to be done back in school. I think this will be good.
One last thing for today. I'm looking forward to this guilty feeling going away eventually. Why can't I get pregnant like a normal person? If Chris and I had it our way, we would have had at least 2 kids by now. We currently have 1 who we can't even be with. Why didn't I feel like Nathan was in distress? Is there something I did that made him get so tangled? Was it the bouncing on the exercise ball to get him into position? Why couldn't I protect him? I know people say there was nothing I could do about it, but when it happens inside of you, you feel differently. I think of these questions several times a day, which is one of the reasons I cry.
Nathan is safe in heaven and we'll meet again. I heard this song on the radio recently and there has never been a more perfect song to describe my feelings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason that I'm broken, the reason that I cry
Is how long I must wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me the strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Necessary Tasks
We received the draft of Nathan's marker today. It's just another reminder of what we're going through. Who would have thought that we would be picking out something like this at 27 and 28 years old? It's sad to see, but also perfect in how we want him to be remembered.
Love you, buddy.
Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Sleepless
We had our second meeting with our support group last night and the topic was about the upcoming holidays. Basically, they told us they are going to be extremely hard (tell me something I don't know). I do enjoy talking with Carol and Mary. They want to talk about Nathan and that makes me feel happy because that doesn't happen often. They looked at the Now I Lay Md Down to Sleep picture below and were just in shock and tears about how perfect he was.
It helps hearing this from people but it's also depressing. Nathan would be 6 weeks old this week, yet we're here with nothing.
I also feel bad for Chris. I feel as the weeks go on, my emotions become more unpredictable. I'm having more "happy" times, which will never compare to how happy I used to be. There are times when we'll be driving somewhere and Chris will say something and I'll begin to sob. Unfortunately, this is my new normal.
I had one of these episodes on the way home from our support group last night. I think this may have caused my nightmare which then kept me up most of the night. This happens frequently too.
I just miss my old life. Don't get me wrong, if this is what I have to go through to have spent 3 days with Nathan, I would do it again in a heartbeat. He is my world, I just have to spend a lifetime waiting to spend eternity with him. God, I cannot wait to hear his little voice and see his eyes.
Obviously, this morning hasn't started out well. Hoping getting out of the house helps.
ncb
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Lonely
How is it that Chris and I can feel so alone when we've been by ourselves since getting married 2.5 years ago? Is it just because all of our plans have been altered and we're back to where we were when we first started our infertility treatment + we have a son we can't be with while on earth?
Still waiting to feel normal...
A Trip Out West
Everything reminded us of Nathan, from the clear blue sky to the sparkling water. It was good for us mentally.
Being back home is ok. Still just too many reminders and too many quiet moments. Nathan's cousins made some decorations for his grave. He would have loved his crazy cousins.
Still trying to figure out what we do now since I can't even remember what we did before we were pregnant.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
When it rains, it pours
Tammy Jo
Nov. 1, 2003 - Nov. 12, 2013
It's comforting to know that Nathan will now get to enjoy you as I did over the last 10 years. I hope you're eating anything and everything and every day is doggy daycare.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Fall decorations
Note: this is not his permanent marker, apparently it takes a while to get that in.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
4 Weeks
Our sweetest Nathan,
You would have been 4 weeks old today. How time flies even though it feels like since 10/10, time has been standing still. What I wouldn't give to go back 4 weeks + 2 days to be able to feel you kicking and squirming around in my belly.
They say that the pain gets better with time, but I'm finding just the opposite. My heart literally hurts when I think of you, my arms are empty, and I can't stop questioning God. All I know is that He must have big plans for you up there baby.
Your cousin, Allie, says she sees you up in the clouds and that you are "soooo cute". She also says that you are happy. I'm glad that your great-grandma was able to guide you up to your place of eternity (my grandma passed away within 4 hours of Nathan being delivered). Is Grandpa Tom taking good care of you? I'm sure he is. You are his first grandson, you know. I'm sure he has built you a train set just like the one he built for your daddy. He'll teach you all about soccer and baseball. There's a bunch of other great people that I'm sure will make sure you're OK up there. Great-grandpa Don will adore you just like he did all 21 of his grandkids.
Your dad and I can't wait to see you one day again when we reach Heaven. We're still trying to figure out life without you, but each day we get through, is one day closer to when we get to see you again.
Love you, buddy.
You would have been 4 weeks old today. How time flies even though it feels like since 10/10, time has been standing still. What I wouldn't give to go back 4 weeks + 2 days to be able to feel you kicking and squirming around in my belly.
They say that the pain gets better with time, but I'm finding just the opposite. My heart literally hurts when I think of you, my arms are empty, and I can't stop questioning God. All I know is that He must have big plans for you up there baby.
Your cousin, Allie, says she sees you up in the clouds and that you are "soooo cute". She also says that you are happy. I'm glad that your great-grandma was able to guide you up to your place of eternity (my grandma passed away within 4 hours of Nathan being delivered). Is Grandpa Tom taking good care of you? I'm sure he is. You are his first grandson, you know. I'm sure he has built you a train set just like the one he built for your daddy. He'll teach you all about soccer and baseball. There's a bunch of other great people that I'm sure will make sure you're OK up there. Great-grandpa Don will adore you just like he did all 21 of his grandkids.
Your dad and I can't wait to see you one day again when we reach Heaven. We're still trying to figure out life without you, but each day we get through, is one day closer to when we get to see you again.
Love you, buddy.
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings
And Godspeed, Sweet Dreams
- Nick Lachey's Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Features
At one of our support groups, they mentioned to write everything down that we remember soon, because in time, those things will start to fade. So I'm going to describe all of his features while they're still fresh in my mind.
Face - Nathan had the roundest face. That definitely came from his momma. His lips were a ruby red and chapped, but he still had the softest cheeks, nose, and chin. I could have sat there forever just rubbing those cheeks of his. Unfortunately, we never had the opportunity to see his eyes. I spend a lot of time wondering what they would have looked like or what it would have been like to be able to look him in the eyes like a parent should be able to.
Ears - Definitely got those from his dad. So cute.
Hair - Nathan had loads of soft, almost black hair. He got this from me, but his hairline matches Chris's. For the first few days after, I would cry every time I looked at Chris because of the hairline. We are lucky to have some of his hair to keep in his memory box.
Body - That boy was going to grow up to have my ribs that stick out. That's for sure. He had marks across his chest from the umbilical cord, which gave me nightmares for nights and is still hard to think about. Poor lil' guy.
Hands - Nathan actually had pretty big hands and we're not sure where those came from. It was weird, yet calming in the hospital because when you held him and touched his fingers, it felt like he would wrap his fingers around yours. Maybe that was his way of telling us that he was alright.
Legs - Definitely Chris legs. They were so skinny, which is funny since he weighed 8 lbs 2 oz when born. I picture him growing up like Chris, with little knobby knees and skinny legs. I'm sure he would have been a good soccer player like his dad too.
Feet - The cutest little feet. Shaped exactly like his dad's. What I wouldn't give to be able to hear him run around on our hardwood with those little feet.
Well, I thought it was a good idea to write all of this. Now, I'm regretting it because it just brings everything back to the surface. Again, no parents should ever have to bury their child. No parents should have to walk by an empty nursery. No parents should have to determine ways to decorate their baby's grave. No dad should ever have to carry the casket of his son (this one kills me still). No parents should have to live the rest of their lives knowing they can't watch one of their kids grow up. I could keep going, but this is depressing shit.
Since it's finally November, I guess I can say what I'm thankful for.
1. Chris
2. Family
3. Friends
4. 38 weeks with Nathan
5. My work family
6. That it's no longer October
7. The opportunity to do more rounds of IVF
8. Nathan
9. The things Nathan has taught me.
10. God (unsure of his plan, but I know there is one) (also, Nathan is now with God and avoided all the shit that happens here so he is the lucky one)
We love you, Nate. Can't believe it's been a month but trust us, there's not a moment when you don't fill our thoughts.
Face - Nathan had the roundest face. That definitely came from his momma. His lips were a ruby red and chapped, but he still had the softest cheeks, nose, and chin. I could have sat there forever just rubbing those cheeks of his. Unfortunately, we never had the opportunity to see his eyes. I spend a lot of time wondering what they would have looked like or what it would have been like to be able to look him in the eyes like a parent should be able to.
Ears - Definitely got those from his dad. So cute.
Hair - Nathan had loads of soft, almost black hair. He got this from me, but his hairline matches Chris's. For the first few days after, I would cry every time I looked at Chris because of the hairline. We are lucky to have some of his hair to keep in his memory box.
Body - That boy was going to grow up to have my ribs that stick out. That's for sure. He had marks across his chest from the umbilical cord, which gave me nightmares for nights and is still hard to think about. Poor lil' guy.
Hands - Nathan actually had pretty big hands and we're not sure where those came from. It was weird, yet calming in the hospital because when you held him and touched his fingers, it felt like he would wrap his fingers around yours. Maybe that was his way of telling us that he was alright.
Legs - Definitely Chris legs. They were so skinny, which is funny since he weighed 8 lbs 2 oz when born. I picture him growing up like Chris, with little knobby knees and skinny legs. I'm sure he would have been a good soccer player like his dad too.
Feet - The cutest little feet. Shaped exactly like his dad's. What I wouldn't give to be able to hear him run around on our hardwood with those little feet.
Well, I thought it was a good idea to write all of this. Now, I'm regretting it because it just brings everything back to the surface. Again, no parents should ever have to bury their child. No parents should have to walk by an empty nursery. No parents should have to determine ways to decorate their baby's grave. No dad should ever have to carry the casket of his son (this one kills me still). No parents should have to live the rest of their lives knowing they can't watch one of their kids grow up. I could keep going, but this is depressing shit.
Since it's finally November, I guess I can say what I'm thankful for.
1. Chris
2. Family
3. Friends
4. 38 weeks with Nathan
5. My work family
6. That it's no longer October
7. The opportunity to do more rounds of IVF
8. Nathan
9. The things Nathan has taught me.
10. God (unsure of his plan, but I know there is one) (also, Nathan is now with God and avoided all the shit that happens here so he is the lucky one)
We love you, Nate. Can't believe it's been a month but trust us, there's not a moment when you don't fill our thoughts.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Back Too Soon
As a little background, my husband Chris and I got married in June of 2011. We knew right away that we wanted to start our family, but after a years worth of frustration, it was determined that the only chance of us getting pregnant was through IVF. Our first IVF cycle was unsuccessful, but we did have 2 frozen embryos to use later. Two months later, we transferred those embryos and much to our surprise, we got pregnant that month. This is where Nathan comes into the story.
We were excited, scared, nervous about the future but had great faith in our little one that was growing inside of me. It never occurred to me that that life would end before I ever got to meet them face to face. We had determined that we did not want to know the sex of the baby since the most important thing for us was that they were a healthy baby. And healthy they were. Every single appointment, baby danced around for us and had a great heartbeat. As we got closer to our due date (Oct. 23), and the appointments became more frequent, our excitement for our expanding family continued to grow at an exponential rate. On Wednesday, Oct. 9, I noticed that I hadn't felt the baby move for a while. This was not too surprising since they were super busy moving on Tuesday and sometimes had a slower day the next day. On Thursday, Oct. 10, to reassure myself, I made an appointment with our OB. I will never ever forget that appointment. They sat me down in the chair and put the doppler on my belly and there was nothing. Not a single sound. I will never forget that day because that is a day a part of my heart was ripped away, and I'll never be the same. To hear that your perfectly healthy baby (had an ultrasound just 2 days before) no longer had a heartbeat is incomparable to any other event that may happen in one's life. The life that was so safe in my stomach was not kept safe. I did not protect them.
That night, at 6:57 p.m., I delivered our perfect baby boy via c section. When they announced that he was a boy, my husband and I both lost it. Our miracle baby was lifeless, yet looked so peaceful. The reason for his passing was determined to be a cord accident. We spent 3 days at the hospital spending time with Nathan Christopher and our families and friends that wanted to meet our newest guardian angel.
It's only been 3 weeks, but not a day goes by where I don't relive the horror of that day. I also feel extreme guilt for 2 reasons- 1. I wasn't able to protect him and 2. My husband didn't get to bond with our sweet Nathan like I was. We buried our baby plus part of us on a rainy, Oct. 19. So many family members and friends showed up and we don't think they will ever understand how much it meant to us. Nathan will always be our firstborn, our first love, and our smallest guardian angel.
We are in the process of healing (although I know we'll never be fully healed) and looking towards the future and giving Nathan a little brother and sister. Unfortunately for us, that means we must go through the ups and downs of IVF again.
We are not replacing Nathan and never could imagine replacing him. He is safe in the arms of God and will look down over our family and his little brothers or sisters.
We will always love you, Nathan. You will always be our greatest miracle.
We were excited, scared, nervous about the future but had great faith in our little one that was growing inside of me. It never occurred to me that that life would end before I ever got to meet them face to face. We had determined that we did not want to know the sex of the baby since the most important thing for us was that they were a healthy baby. And healthy they were. Every single appointment, baby danced around for us and had a great heartbeat. As we got closer to our due date (Oct. 23), and the appointments became more frequent, our excitement for our expanding family continued to grow at an exponential rate. On Wednesday, Oct. 9, I noticed that I hadn't felt the baby move for a while. This was not too surprising since they were super busy moving on Tuesday and sometimes had a slower day the next day. On Thursday, Oct. 10, to reassure myself, I made an appointment with our OB. I will never ever forget that appointment. They sat me down in the chair and put the doppler on my belly and there was nothing. Not a single sound. I will never forget that day because that is a day a part of my heart was ripped away, and I'll never be the same. To hear that your perfectly healthy baby (had an ultrasound just 2 days before) no longer had a heartbeat is incomparable to any other event that may happen in one's life. The life that was so safe in my stomach was not kept safe. I did not protect them.
That night, at 6:57 p.m., I delivered our perfect baby boy via c section. When they announced that he was a boy, my husband and I both lost it. Our miracle baby was lifeless, yet looked so peaceful. The reason for his passing was determined to be a cord accident. We spent 3 days at the hospital spending time with Nathan Christopher and our families and friends that wanted to meet our newest guardian angel.
It's only been 3 weeks, but not a day goes by where I don't relive the horror of that day. I also feel extreme guilt for 2 reasons- 1. I wasn't able to protect him and 2. My husband didn't get to bond with our sweet Nathan like I was. We buried our baby plus part of us on a rainy, Oct. 19. So many family members and friends showed up and we don't think they will ever understand how much it meant to us. Nathan will always be our firstborn, our first love, and our smallest guardian angel.
We are in the process of healing (although I know we'll never be fully healed) and looking towards the future and giving Nathan a little brother and sister. Unfortunately for us, that means we must go through the ups and downs of IVF again.
We are not replacing Nathan and never could imagine replacing him. He is safe in the arms of God and will look down over our family and his little brothers or sisters.
We will always love you, Nathan. You will always be our greatest miracle.
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