I Cried

Okay, so that's no surprise that I cried.  But this time, I really let loose.  I am coming to terms with how hard the holidays are actually going to be.  It's not so much that it would have been Nathan's "first" holidays, but the fact that I have to go watch everyone else interact with their children (regardless of their age).  That's what I'M supposed to be doing this year and every year after this.  I am so scared about getting through the day acting "happy" when really all I'll want to do is roll up in a ball on my couch and hold my 8 lbs 2 oz pillow.  It also isn't going to be easy seeing my cousin's wife there who will be 36 weeks pregnant.  I'm just not ready for that yet.  Nothing against her, the issue is all in my head.

Another thing is I wonder if people will actually talk about Nathan or just sort of forget about him that day?  Now that he's gone and his services are over, will my extended family ever include him in conversation again? I sure hope so but I'm not certain, especially with the next baby in the family due in the next 4 weeks.

On a positive note, I was released by my OB last week and am now able to do whatever physical activity I feel like.  I've been running an average of 3 miles a day (trying to take it easy) and then I took a spinning class this morning.  I feel great physically and honestly, right after a workout, is when I feel normal.  I'm eating healthy and trying to get workouts in every day so that I can be to my ideal weight before we start IVF again in February.  I know that's a long ways off but with the holidays and all the food that is included there, it's never to early to start.  Also, it's easy for those who have newborns to carry around a little extra weight because they have the excuse either in a stroller or in their arms.  Me, not so much.  Just looks like I ate too much halloween candy.

I applied to take the Professional Engineering exam in Kentucky in April.  I'm hoping there are no issues as this will give me something to focus on over the next couple of months.  I'm not kidding when I say I'll need to relearn EVERYTHING from undergrad since so much of the engineering work these days is computer based or formula based which doesn't compare to the 3 pages of equations to solve one problem that had to be done back in school.  I think this will be good.

One last thing for today.  I'm looking forward to this guilty feeling going away eventually.  Why can't I get pregnant like a normal person?  If Chris and I had it our way, we would have had at least 2 kids by now.  We currently have 1 who we can't even be with.  Why didn't I feel like Nathan was in distress?  Is there something I did that made him get so tangled?  Was it the bouncing on the exercise ball to get him into position? Why couldn't I protect him?  I know people say there was nothing I could do about it, but when it happens inside of you, you feel differently.  I think of these questions several times a day, which is one of the reasons I cry.

Nathan is safe in heaven and we'll meet again.  I heard this song on the radio recently and there has never been a more perfect song to describe my feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason that I'm broken, the reason that I cry
Is how long I must wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me the strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.