Features

At one of our support groups, they mentioned to write everything down that we remember soon, because in time, those things will start to fade.  So I'm going to describe all of his features while they're still fresh in my mind.

Face - Nathan had the roundest face.  That definitely came from his momma.  His lips were a ruby red and chapped, but he still had the softest cheeks, nose, and chin.  I could have sat there forever just rubbing those cheeks of his.  Unfortunately, we never had the opportunity to see his eyes.  I spend a lot of time wondering what they would have looked like or what it would have been like to be able to look him in the eyes like a parent should be able to. 

Ears - Definitely got those from his dad.  So cute.

Hair - Nathan had loads of soft, almost black hair.  He got this from me, but his hairline matches Chris's.  For the first few days after, I would cry every time I looked at Chris because of the hairline.  We are lucky to have some of his hair to keep in his memory box.

Body - That boy was going to grow up to have my ribs that stick out.  That's for sure.  He had marks across his chest from the umbilical cord, which gave me nightmares for nights and is still hard to think about.  Poor lil' guy.

Hands - Nathan actually had pretty big hands and we're not sure where those came from.  It was weird, yet calming in the hospital because when you held him and touched his fingers, it felt like he would wrap his fingers around yours.  Maybe that was his way of telling us that he was alright.

Legs - Definitely Chris legs.  They were so skinny, which is funny since he weighed 8 lbs 2 oz when born.  I picture him growing up like Chris, with little knobby knees and skinny legs.  I'm sure he would have been a good soccer player like his dad too.

Feet - The cutest little feet.  Shaped exactly like his dad's.  What I wouldn't give to be able to hear him run around on our hardwood with those little feet.

Well, I thought it was a good idea to write all of this.  Now, I'm regretting it because it just brings everything back to the surface.  Again, no parents should ever have to bury their child.  No parents should have to walk by an empty nursery.  No parents should have to determine ways to decorate their baby's grave.  No dad should ever have to carry the casket of his son (this one kills me still).  No parents should have to live the rest of their lives knowing they can't watch one of their kids grow up.  I could keep going, but this is depressing shit.

Since it's finally November, I guess I can say what I'm thankful for.
1. Chris
2. Family
3. Friends
4. 38 weeks with Nathan
5. My work family
6. That it's no longer October
7. The opportunity to do more rounds of IVF
8. Nathan
9. The things Nathan has taught me.
10. God (unsure of his plan, but I know there is one) (also, Nathan is now with God and avoided all the shit that happens here so he is the lucky one)

We love you, Nate.  Can't believe it's been a month but trust us, there's not a moment when you don't fill our thoughts.