It's been a busy day for us today. It is 11 months today since we lost and delivered Nathan. 11 months today when our world changed forever. 11 months ago today, I didn't have the same worries and fears that eat away at me that I do today. You always have crazy dreams when you're pregnant but the dreams that I had with Nathan don't come close to the level of creepiness or scariness that the dreams I have daily right now. I wake up each morning thankful that it was just a dream and not our current reality. 11 months ago today started the loneliest journey of our lives. We are different people than we were 11 months ago, for better and for worse.
11 months ago today, I never imagined anybody, especially close friends, having to go through an experience similar to ours and yet, that's exactly what we're dealing with this week. One of my close friends lost her 3.5 week old son this past Sunday, due to pertussis. He fought it hard, but in the end, his little heart was just working too hard. To know that someone else has to go through the pain that Chris and I went through kills me. And unlike Chris and I, who really just collapsed upon ourselves when everything happened last October, they are unable to collapse. See, this little boy has a twin sister. Thankfully, she is doing good. It'll be a long road for them, but like us, they will survive. I remember the roller coaster of emotions I felt for the first 3 or so months after losing Nathan and it kills me that this is what they will be going through soon. This little boy will be buried right to the right of Nathan and they will be able to play each and every day up in Heaven. Again, it's times like these when you start to question God's plan, but we must remember that this is part of his plan and the end result will be beyond gratifying. Keep our friends in your prayers, especially this Friday when they lay their sweet, baby boy to rest.
Nathan, you have big responsibilities at just 11 months old in Heaven. You must show Bastian how it's done up there and help him look over his family.
In other news, we had our Level 2 ultrasound today for our anatomy scan. It was at a peri's office up at the hospital. I was terrified. Honestly, this morning I felt like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Besides this little boy being uncooperative, the scan went fantastic. The doctor said everything looks perfect and he said the chances of anything happening again is so small. He then laughed and said we're probably sick of hearing about statistics since we happened to fall on the bad end of them last time. He only wants me to gain 20 lbs this pregnancy, which is going to be damn near impossible. I gained 30 with Nathan, in which I was working out daily. He wants 2/3 of my daily calories to be protein and the rest to be fat sprinkled with some carbs. 4 months of watching what I eat. I didn't really understand his reasoning since I didn't have gestational diabetes with Nathan, I didn't gain too much weight, he said Nathan was a healthy weight, and he understands that I have a muscular build. We'll see how this goes. It's going to be hard, especially since Chris travels so much for work and he's the one who does the cooking.
I can't describe how thankful I am that this baby boy looks so good and I pray that it continues that way. I am hoping that his big brother is keeping a close eye on everything and that we get to meet our rainbow come January 13.
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