My 28th Birthday

Yesterday, I turned 28.  The whole day was overwhelming.  I know people meant well by wishing me a happy birthday but there was just no chance that yesterday was going to be a happy day for me.  How was I supposed to celebrate my birthday when just 8 weeks ago I delivered our Nathan with no heartbeat?  He doesn't ever get a chance to have a birthday.  It just makes me feel horrible.  If he can't celebrate, there's no way I'm going to celebrate. I cried on multiple occasions yesterday.  The first was when I talked to my brother.  We haven't talked since Nathan's funeral, but talking to him yesterday made me realize how much I miss him.  The second time I cried was when I received a private message from someone who I played soccer with for one year in college.  She was a freshman when I was a senior.  First, she sent me a token last week that said something like "Thank you for all of your love.  You were my angel and now I'm yours."  Her message yesterday included that she knew I didn't want all the happy birthday wishes because they would cause the opposite effect to happen (true) and that she was just continuing to pray for Chris, Nathan, and myself.  It was spot on and really thoughtful.  The third time was when I received a post on facebook that said "hope you have an awesome day!".  No chance in hell that yesterday was going to be an "awesome" day for me.  She meant well, though, and it's not her fault that my life is what it is.

The last time I cried was when I saw that Nathan's blurb was included on Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep's facebook page since I had donated money to them on Giving Tuesday (follows Black Friday and Cyber Monday).  Over 500 people liked the blurb and so many commented on how they were touched by it or how it reminded them of their own loss so many years ago.  I guess this means I'm officially a member of the club, the club I would rather not be included.

Chris got me a card and it was signed from him, Nathan, and Sidney (our boxer) so I loved that.  We also went to Target to pick out a gift since Chris gave me my big gift the day before Nathan's funeral (birthstone necklace and ring).  We picked out a baby's first Christmas 2013 ornament.  I love it and can't wait to hang it with all of his other ornaments. 

In conclusion, I survived my birthday, realized how unimportant they are to me now, and reminded me how we would not get to throw Nathan a first birthday party, a 16th birthday party, or any birthday party because he's not here.

Nathan,
I hope you celebrated for your mom up in heaven yesterday.  You were missed this birthday and will be missed on every birthday.  We would have liked nothing more than to hold you and rock you to sleep last night or see that goofy smile that you should have been getting around this time.  Our hearts still ache for you.  Know how much we love you.
Love you Nate.