Oh, January

I haven't posted much lately and that's because not much has been going on.  I'm still stuck on this roller coaster called grief, with some days being great while others are far from great.  I guess that's what I can expect from here on out, though.  There are some nights still where I don't sleep a wink, such as last night.  I just can't turn my mind off.  I'm constantly thinking about Nathan, if there was any way I could have prevented it from happening.  Upcoming costs with all of our IVF treatments keeps me awake too.  Consider yourself lucky if you don't have to spend $10,000 a try every time you want to have a baby.  Oh yeah, and there's no guarantee that you'll have one.  Because of this, I question God a lot.  Why are we dealing with this?  Did we do something to deserve all of this - infertility and our son dying?  Really?  None of it makes sense.  Why did God take Nathan and not me?  I know there's a plan, but as of right now, I'm not a fan.  Will God view us differently in Heaven because of the extreme pain we have to endure here on earth?  I'm not sure.

Also, I had a fear that Nathan would be forgotten after the holidays.  People don't mention him much and I'm not sure in what context people should mention him but it's starting to feel like he's fading from some peoples' thoughts.  Such is life I guess.  Everybody moves on but Chris and I are left with our grief.  Nobody else has an empty nursery that they have to walk by every night and baby gear hidden in extra closets and the basement.  Nobody else looks at pregnant people on the streets and think how naïve they are and that something can happen to their baby at ANY time during the 40 weeks. Nobody else has to figure out how to decorate a baby boy's grave, instead they're out buying clothes or planning for their future.

I just reread the two paragraphs above and had to laugh.  Wow, I sound miserable.  I'm not miserable, though, just different from who I was before Nathan died.  I definitely don't have the same tolerance for people that I had before.  I'm also a lot more anxious about little things.  I now know that EVERYTHING can go wrong and it's quite possible that it will.  I am grateful for what I have, but I'm ready for the last 2 shitty years to be a thing of the past.  Not Nathan, because if I had to go through what I did to see and hold Nathan again, I would in a heartbeat. 

Nothing new on the IVF front besides filling out the stack full of paperwork that's required, taking antibiotics that are required for Chris and I, figuring out the prices for all of my medication this time, and anxiously and nervously awaiting the start of my shots on January 25.  I'm nervous that this cycle won't work and I just don't know how much more heartache a girl can take. 

I'm officially down to my prepregnancy weight so things are great on that front.  12 weeks out, not too shabby.

Good thing it's JUANuary and The Bachelor just started.  Nothing like a ridiculous reality show to pass the weeks.

Also, it's negative 2 degrees here in Cincinnati today.  I don't do negative 2 degrees and neither does our dog, Sid.  Keep warm.