I moved up my ultrasound to this morning since I was sick of waiting. Good news and bad news. The bad news is that I'll start miscarrying at any point and the good news is I won't need any medicine or a D&C to help clear everything out. I actually only needed to go get a trans vaginal ultrasound to start the process because the significant bleeding has started. He also said that it has nothing to do with Nathan (duh) and that it was just a bad embryo (duh). But my body loves to grow babies. They took my blood to check my beta just so that they have a number to base it off of since I will have to continue to go get my blood drawn until my beta is down to 0. That's just what I want to be doing.
I think the doctor was surprised by my reaction. I was like, "Oh, ok. That's what I figured," with no tears, etc. I'm happy I have an answer. I'm happy to get this beta down to zero so we can start again. I'm happy I don't have to think about any of this for the next month or two. I'm not happy that Nathan isn't here. I'm not happy hearing others complain of things in their life that really shouldn't matter to them. You want to feel pain? Leave the hospital without your baby. Attend your child's funeral a week after a C-section. Watch your husband carry your child's casket. Go through a miscarriage. Try to explain to those that don't know what happened. Be thankful for what you have and just stop bitching. Seriously. I hear people bitch all day long and it infuriates me. I am bitching right now, but I'm allowing myself to bitch since I'm currently miscarrying.
Since yesterday was Ash Wednesday and since I already gave up the most important thing in the world (my child), I will not be giving anything up this year. I will try to live for the moment, appreciate Chris more, and not bitch about unimportant things.
Huuuuuuuugs. :*(
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