It's been a rough week for me. I don't know if the miscarriage brought it on, or the fact that Nathan would have already been 5 months old, or the fact that we'll be around a lot of different people over the next couple of weeks. At work, I can't stop staring at Nathan's picture. At home, I just dwell on what we should be doing at this time with him. It hurts a lot and it sucks. I took Sidney for a walk last week and I cried the entire walk. I should be pushing Nathan in a stroller and walking Sid and instead, I walk with Sid alone. I almost lost it while shopping for clothes for my niece and nephews with my sister and mom. We should be buying Nathan clothes too, not decorations for his grave. I cried myself to sleep multiple times last week, upset with the fact that people say this gets easier. Does it? What gets easier about this? Seeing kids all around you grow up while your child never got the chance? People say there are steps to grieving. Have these people actually ever grieved? Especially a child? I think they're crazy. All the steps of grieving just blend together. We attended our niece's birthday party over the weekend in Pittsburgh and it was great to see family. It wasn't great to hear people picking out boy names for an upcoming baby or talk about how hard it was being away from their kids for a couple of days. It's hard to be apart from them for a few days? Try 5 months... and counting. We have a wedding this upcoming weekend in Pittsburgh. Sadly, I'm not looking forward to it for 2 reasons. One reason is that this was the first weekend that Nathan would have spent with his Grandma Winnie. We had talked about this ever since we found out we were pregnant. The second reason is that we have to see a friend that is very pregnant and who we didn't know was pregnant. I know people mean well and want to protect us, but the surprise would hurt more. I'm glad I know, though, so I can be prepared. I haven't seen a very pregnant person since October 10, which was when I had to walk the halls of Labor and Delivery and see all of the women waiting there to deliver their living babies. We'll see how this goes.
As for our next steps with our doctor, we'll be starting birth control at the beginning of April with hopes of retrieval and transfer in early May. I'll be on the same protocol again since it has resulted in pregnancy every time thus far. Pray that I don't go crazy in the meantime. Pray that I get out of this funk because it makes me feel like how I did a couple of weeks after Nathan passed away. Pray that I make it through this week without Chris, who is in Mexico for work.
Praying!!! Xoxoxo
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